Still early days in proceedings, but are you afraid to be optimistic?

LiftingFog · December 26, 2020, 02:20:57 PM

Has anyone been afraid to let themselves be optimistic during divorce proceedings when something appears to go your way? Even small victories are victories, but dammit, I want to celebrate but I won't let myself do so.

Ever since my lawyer forwarded to me UNPDh lawyer's somewhat surprised reply, showing evidence that H hasn't been completely open or truthful about our finances, I haven't let myself be completely happy and optimistic. I AM grateful for the calm and even emotions (for me) during the holiday season! I can also show that he hasn't paid me back (although the burden of proof would be on him) if that's what he claims, but I guess I'm just bracing myself for any unexpected surprises from him.

I'm just going to hold onto what you lovely lot have said to me - that this will only work to my benefit and that his lawyer won't trust UNPDh's word as quickly.

Poison Ivy · December 26, 2020, 02:36:52 PM

I definitely held back from feeling optimistic after I filed for divorce and before the divorce was finalized. I was fortunate that the process went very quickly (filed mid-December 2015, divorce finalized end of May 2016), but I felt on pins and needles the entire time.

Phoenix Rising · December 26, 2020, 03:01:47 PM

Yes, for sure!!

I think I feel this way because of the rollercoaster rides I've been on with uNPD/APDex. Any time I thought I could feel optimistic or safe, he created more drama or abused me more. Over and over. He always manages to throw a curve ball and then I lose my footing. It left me not knowing what to expect next.

Atm in my situation, I am waiting on word if charges will be laid or not so I can finally get a restraining order. Where I live, a person has to be charged first. This is the 3rd time asking for the restraining order. So despite my lawyer assuring me the case is solid this time and he has good feelings about it, I can’t bring myself to feeling optimistic until it's a reality. It's been 2 months after the appeal with no news

I wish I had some good advice on how to deal with this feeling. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling this way and that I think it is typical among people who have been abused by PDs.

LiftingFog · December 26, 2020, 03:36:57 PM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on December 26, 2020, 02:36:52 PM
I definitely held back from feeling optimistic after I filed for divorce and before the divorce was finalized. I was fortunate that the process went very quickly (filed mid-December 2015, divorce finalized end of May 2016), but I felt on pins and needles the entire time.

I think this is what I'm doing too. Until it's over and finalized, I'll be holding my breath. But at least I'm not walking on eggshells like I had been for the last 18 mths!

LiftingFog · December 26, 2020, 03:40:51 PM

Quote from: Phoenix Rising on December 26, 2020, 03:01:47 PM

I think I feel this way because of the rollercoaster rides I've been on with uNPD/APDex. Any time I thought I could feel optimistic or safe, he created more drama or abused me more. Over and over. He always manages to throw a curve ball and then I lose my footing. It left me not knowing what to expect next.

I wish I had some good advice on how to deal with this feeling. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling this way and that I think it is typical among people who have been abused by PDs.

Thank you for this. I think you nailed exactly why I'm feeling the way that I am when my friends tell me not to worry. I can't HELP but worry because this is what it's like being with a PD. They do everything to keep you off balance because that's their nature!

I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone.

Good luck with your situation! I hope you can get that restraining order filed!!

Phoenix Rising · January 01, 2021, 02:04:31 PM

That was the worst for me.. when friends would tell me not to worry. It's really hard not to. All one can do is the best each day.

Thanks for the good luck, I wish you the same

Bunnyme · January 03, 2021, 08:58:57 PM

I feel the same way. I've had moments where he totally agrees to everything I want...only to totally take it back when it comes time to sign. Lather, rinse, repeat. I dont think I'll relax at all until it is over. Even then, I'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to drag me back into court for something, stop paying support so I am forced to take him back...

LiftingFog · January 06, 2021, 09:27:11 AM

It truly is a control thing in the end. They want to keep their talons in us until the last possible minute!

I still haven't heard anything from my STBXuNPDh's lawyer about a response to my lawyer's list of "corrected" expenditures I spent on the joint house. My records show 81K I've given him as opposed to his guesstimate of $5600, showing that he hasn't been completely upfront with his lawyer. (I have another thread here that goes into more detail about his lowball offer with me asking if it was normal to go that low).

My guess now is that he's going to drag things out and wait until the 11th hour to respond, knowing how cash poor I am right now (thanks to him), in the hopes that I'll accept a lowball settlement number, or this process will drain me psychologically so much so that I'll want it to end ASAP and not worry about the numbers so much.

He's never seen strong and scrappy Freetobeme in our short marriage.

The longer things are dragged out, the more time I have to rebuild my bank account and pay lawyer's fees.

Is there a standard time limit to respond during this pre-trial/mediation time? He's trying to avoid court (as am I, but I'm preparing to go just in case) and wants to agree on a financial settlement before it gets that far. I'm sure it varies state to state, and I guess I'm not searching with the right keywords because Google spits out info not even remotely close to what I'm looking for.

Anyway, I'll let myself be optimistic once we are officially divorced.

blunk · January 08, 2021, 07:45:56 AM

The timeframe does vary greatly by location. When I was preparing to file I was able to find an online (PDF) guide to the divorce process in our state. It went through the different steps in the process, had sample versions of the required forms with form numbers for download, and even an FAQ section. Perhaps there is something like that available for your location. Otherwise, I'm sure the lawyer could answer, or provide resources.

Good Luck!

LiftingFog · January 12, 2021, 07:59:46 PM

You're right, blunk, I suppose I could ask my lawyer, but it would probably cost me $100 of his time. lol

I'm actually fine letting it all drag out at a snail's pace because every day I get a little stronger. And I'm slowly building up my bank account so I can pay back the loan a family member gave me quicker than expected and not have to wait for any financial settlement.

I trust my lawyer (mostly) and I'm paying him good money to fight this battle for me. It is a relief not to have to fight by myself!

pushit · January 12, 2021, 10:57:41 PM

Quote from: freetobehappy on January 12, 2021, 07:59:46 PM
It is a relief not to have to fight by myself!

I can totally relate. I was still heavily in the FOG at the beginning of my divorce with serious concern over her taking the kids away, and it was so nice when my lawyer took the steering wheel and I only needed to respond through him.

Regarding stretching things out until the last minute - Have any dates been set by the court? Not necessarily a trial date. In my situation, there was always a date looming which moved things along. There was a date for initial hearing, then a date to submit financial disclosures, then a date for mediation, etc. My ex dragged her feet as much as she could, but the more she failed to meet those dates the worse it started looking for her and then her lawyer rushed to a mediation settlement.

LiftingFog · January 13, 2021, 09:09:00 PM

Quote from: pushit on January 12, 2021, 10:57:41 PM

Regarding stretching things out until the last minute - Have any dates been set by the court? Not necessarily a trial date. In my situation, there was always a date looming which moved things along. There was a date for initial hearing, then a date to submit financial disclosures, then a date for mediation, etc. My ex dragged her feet as much as she could, but the more she failed to meet those dates the worse it started looking for her and then her lawyer rushed to a mediation settlement.

I think there is a hearing coming up in 2 weeks about granting my uncontested request for a limited divorce. In my state, once the limited divorce is granted, the calendar starts over as far as separation date. Normally, the lawyers ask the judge to "hold off" on the limited divorce because it would be a waste of time and money if we can come to an agreement on our finances sooner rather than later. This way, I don't have to re-file at a later date for an absolute divorce and wait another 12 mths.

I may not be explaining that well or even accurately, but I think that's basically the gist of it. Plus, wine tonight.

And then we'll see what happens after the 2 weeks have passed.