How do you mourn?

[HH]

I'm trying to allow myself to mourn the loss of some hopes and dreams that have been lost as a result of the extreme trauma and my BDPw's experience of life , love, and our relationship.

I don't know how to mourn.

I know that mourning is a gift and I want to experience that gift. I believe "blessed are those who mourn", but I'm afraid if I let it all come out I'll never stop crying, or my angry will overcome me and lead me to despair. 

I see myself in all the classic stages of grief, and a new 6th stage:

1- denial - it's not that bad
2- anger - I don't deserve this - I hate this - hate myself - hate her
3- depression - there is no hope for change. I can't see a way out and few powerless
4. bargaining - if I would be better this will change, I can make more sacrifices and pray more and love more
5.  Acceptance - this is just the situation I have to live with and learn how to live with the scars, both good and bad, that come with this
6. Finding meaning - I can help others through the cycles as a wounded healer, I can comfort others in their loss and help them find meaning

I see myself in any one of those stages in a my given day. I'm mostly in bargaining and acceptance and sometimes finding meaning - but I regress back to anger and denial and depression when things flare up

How do you mourn? How have you mourned ? How have you seen your families mourn and find meaning ? Your PD spouses ? Thanks for your thoughts

[SparkStillLit]

Oh gosh. I've done some destructive things in my mourning.  Like you, I can sometimes wag all over the place with it, but I am training myself to mostly stay in "acceptance". It's quite difficult. 
I don't know how much HELP I am, but I try to remember to have compassion for everyone on this wretched road, whatever section of the road they're on. Sometimes we walk together, sometimes some of us are ahead or behind and calling out encouragement to others.
It's just....difficult.  I really don't know any different. This has been my life, and thus far I haven't made another choice.

[HH]

@sparkstilllit -
Thanks for  sharing - What do you think it would look like to move to finding meaning?

Oh gosh. I've done some destructive things in my mourning.  Like you, I can sometimes wag all over the place with it, but I am training myself to mostly stay in "acceptance". It's quite difficult. 
I don't know how much HELP I am, but I try to remember to have compassion for everyone on this wretched road, whatever section of the road they're on. Sometimes we walk together, sometimes some of us are ahead or behind and calling out encouragement to others.
It's just....difficult.  I really don't know any different. This has been my life, and thus far I haven't made another choice.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm....not sure. I think it would maybe be like finding me...the regular me....getting me back again? I'm a different person to who I was before, but I'm not this. Not really. This is a little bit like a role that keeps me safe. Lets me have a bit of space.
I don't know, perhaps that doesn't make sense.

[Free2Bme]

Dear HH,

First, I am sorry that you are experiencing such loss.  Although I don't know your particulars,  I can relate to the loss of hopes, dreams, plans, for my H, marriage, children, home, finances, extended family, future, etc.  I am on this road and there are days that feel overwhelming, and days that feel hopeful, and I strongly believe "blessed are those who morn", it is a promise. 

I'll share something my T said to me after I went through my sixth miscarriage, while married to updxh and dealing with abuse.  When we were discussing stages of grief, T said in his professional/personal experience that people often get hung up with 'agreement'.  Initially, this didn't make sense to me. Then I understood him to mean that we go through things, grieve, and get to the acceptance stage, but internally we don't "agree" with what happened.  It doesn't feel just or fair so we get stuck.  Also, we can bounce back/forth between stages which keeps us stuck.  Grieving takes time and requires me to reign in my thoughts as they fuel my emotions. 

IME, I am a different person now then I was before all of my personal loss.  Although I would not script this for my life, I can see changes in me that would not have happened otherwise.  I am not perfect by any means, I am selfish at times, make mistakes, and need forgiveness.  However, I see the world and people very differently now.  Things that used to be very important are not so weighty anymore.  I have more patience, grace, and acceptance for others.  When I see someone hurting, I have a greater depth of understanding and can offer comfort.  When someone I care about is making mistakes, I can be patient.  When someone offends me, I can forgive because I know I have offended and been forgiven.

Forgive my crudeness, but going through loss helped me cut through the bullshit in my life and get real.  Experiencing pain and loss has the potential to change faulty belief systems and shape us into better people.  I can be thankful for the growth, even though I don't enjoy the means.  Loss is part of the human condition.  It can destroy us or refine us, all in how we respond.

The thing that keeps  me from re-entering the cycle is to imagine the person I want to be in terms of character.
What do I want to be for those I love? 
What contribution can I make with my life?
What would I want to be remembered for?
How do I define success?

This keeps me moving in a direction that is focused on the outcome of my sufferings instead of counting my losses. 

take care HH, keep posting here 

[Spidernest]

I hear you, HH. I'm only beginning this journey after entering into a relationship with a DBPD, but without understanding that their perception of reality is so different than my own. I had read a few articles, tried to prepare myself for some "setbacks", but nothing can prepare you for the moment that that switch flips and your pd is splitting.

At first I blamed myself- maybe if I was better, did a more thorough job of providing for my BPD that they would also have less frequent or less severe moments of anger, frustration, and temporary blindness to my needs and wants as an individual- but in the last week or so, I've been trying to prepare myself for what it means to try to live in a stable and supportive environment with my BPD.

Most days I flip flop between the stages of grief- mostly between depression and acceptance. I'm deeply sad for them, that they experience the word as such a chaotic threat, that there is no "normalcy" to the way that they function enough to support most things that give them joy and autonomy, and that for them, external influence is the only influence that matters. They are not currently on a treatment plan, though i am trying to support them in as many ways to get into a mental health wellness program. On the same token, I recognize that it is not my responsibility to be their caregiver, and that I need to pay close attention to the 51% rule. I can only accept them as they are and recognize that this disorder can only be managed, not changed.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can relate to this. I feel failure on my own part when I am stressed, angry, or feel burdened by their disorder.

The questions Free2BeMe put out are so incredibly helpful and I hope you have been able to take time to reflect on them- until this point I have also struggled with remaining autonomous in this relationship. Maybe it's not so much that mourning is the answer, (of course, permit yourself to do that, and any other self care that needs to be done) but establishing your own goals for your interpersonal relationships and how you connect with others without the influence of your bpdw.

Thank you for this insight- it has truly helped me.

[Mary]

I am very honest with God about my feelings and discuss it with Him in my head. I know that he knows the thoughts and intents of my heart anyway so I might as well out with it.

I confess to Him, I'm feeling afraid Lord. I'm feeling really grumpy right now and I know I should be thankful, so thank you. I'm feeling cheated out of a love life God. I feel so alone.

When I do this He comforts me in various ways. Sometimes with a verse or a song or a person. Sometimes I get a rebuke. But even so, I know He has heard me and is only a whisper away. And I am at rest.

[errorglobal]

Wow.  That hit home for me.  Its something I've talked to my therapist about a lot--I can't figure out how to grieve and so I can't let go.  I grew up in a family that always says "god has a plan" whenever anything went wrong, or "you'll see them [the dog, grandparents, whatever] in heaven and we'll all be together" whenever there was a death, so I never really learned how to work through loss and I can't really let go of things, especially my traumatic long term relationship.  Part of me still believes that everything will be made right in the end if I can just hold on (Mary, I don't mean any offence--faith can certainly help!  I just mean that the way that God was presented to me as a kid has prevented me from learning how to grieve and let go).

I like your stage 6.  Something like a rebuilding stage.  I am so glad that you are learning to move through this.  It gives me hope. 

[Boat Babe]

Goodness me. So much painful experience and so much more deep wisdom. Blown away again.

I just wanted to comment on what HH said about being afraid to cry because they'll never stop. I remember saying exactly that, right at the beginning of two years of therapy that turned my life around. I started crying. I cried a lot.  Once I started crying, the fear of it being endless and all consuming disappeared because I found my self on the path to recovery and that was such an amazing experience. I started a process that has been a lifesaver.

So please don't be afraid of your tears. They are incredibly cathartic and ultimately healing. There are many things I would have done differently in my life and I have regrets (a few, too few to mention!) and sorrow over things I have done but I don't regret crying.

I love your sixth stage, that of finding meaning, in order to be a force for good in the world. How cool is that !

[HH]

Thanks for this. It really encourages me. I'm needing to go back to therapy and learn how to do this well. Finances are tight and it seems like a luxury - but I need it - and I will take the next step. It's a gift that tears can and do heal. I've grown more comfortable letting them out, but often it's in a locked bathroom (like right now) with large amount of shame attached - and the question "how long Lord?" Will I be in this same posture, same place again of pain? I know I'm not alone and my faith carries me, but like others have said in this thread - the way we talk about God "Who will work it out" can hinder our ability to actually grieve, and it can feel a lot more like a thinly veiled "suck it up". I'm really raw right now, and thankful for the fellow travelers who have read and responded to my grief and the grieving journey that I am on. It's confusing. It comes on waves. There are good and bad days. Counting on the words "blessed are those who mourn" and trusting that promise is the only thing that keeps me sane. Actually the Bible, and the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" specifically the part about "mirroring" are the only two things that help me make sense of my life in this place of seeking answers, comfort, sanity, and guidance. Thanks again for those who have responded - all my love to you. Peace and joy be yours in Him this Christmas season. We all need it !

Goodness me. So much painful experience and so much more deep wisdom. Blown away again.

I just wanted to comment on what HH said about being afraid to cry because they'll never stop. I remember saying exactly that, right at the beginning of two years of therapy that turned my life around. I started crying. I cried a lot.  Once I started crying, the fear of it being endless and all consuming disappeared because I found my self on the path to recovery and that was such an amazing experience. I started a process that has been a lifesaver.

So please don't be afraid of your tears. They are incredibly cathartic and ultimately healing. There are many things I would have done differently in my life and I have regrets (a few, too few to mention!) and sorrow over things I have done but I don't regret crying.

I love your sixth stage, that of finding meaning, in order to be a force for good in the world. How cool is that !

[CreativeCat]

I totally agree with why boat babe said about not being afraid of your tears. It's the tears that are healing. I cried and cried for my own lost childhood during therapy, but even while I was crying it felt like something I just needed to do and it felt good and nurturing. It felt like self-care.

It's ok to cry. If you're having trouble getting started maybe watch a real tear jerker movie that's related to your experience somehow. That would do it for me!