I feel absolutely shattered by my ex, he destroyed me and broke my trust.

[Ladyfingers]

I want to start by saying I plan to discuss this with my doctor but would love to ease my mind in some way.

Backstory: i grew up with a narcissistic father who controlled my mother and my siblings and me. I was homeschooled and had and have no friends still at 28. I was in 2 relationships beginning college and both ended up sexually assaulting me. 6 month relationships. I got therapy once a month for 3 years.

To now: I met an amazing guy and opened my heart to him. I have trust issues because I do not want to be hurt. We were together for 6 years and I planned on marrying him and wanted to have a family with him.

This last year however has changed things. I was in an accident leaving me with injuries that will be with me for a lifetime. This trauma caused me to have worst PTSD and then relationship issues because with the accident I was hurt by my boyfriends family member who was driving. We argued for 2 months off and on and he kept his stance that it was an accident, and this hurt me deeply. I Felt he was chosing his family over me and this made me feel like I couldnt rely on him anymore as well as that he broke my trust. Ultimately he ended up blocking those family members but I still am to this day unable to trust him because of this. This event was traumatic as I almost could have died and I still have physical issues that remind me of it daily.

My doctor said my PTSD was back between the accident and even with my relationship problems I was beginning to worry about my boyfriend breaking my trust again.

Fast forward a few months. I became unexpectedly pregnant. When I shared this with my boyfriend he had a panic attack because we both did not have jobs and we lived separately at the time. He apologized with a letter the next day telling me how happy he was, but this is the issue that deeply hurt me. In that moment of a panic attack I felt DEEP rejection. I went home that night and cried. I felt like he didnt want to have a family with me, that he didnt want me and that something was wrong with me as if I was not enough for him. Even after reading the letter I felt devastated still despite what he said because his actions showed panic. His actions in that moment broke my heart because he should have been happy and when he was not anything he said going forward I could not believe because he broke my trust.

I decided because of this to have an abortion because I felt vulnerable from the accident, and I felt I could not rely on him from the fighting that happened after the accident. So feeling that way (vulnerable)then having him panic caused me to decide that I do not feel we are meant to be together and that having a child with someone like him is something I could not do. I felt extreme rejection when I shared the news and this literally broke my heart.

He supported me with appointments and even the day of the abortion. He told me he wanted to get married and have a family in the future still despite this. But I couldn't feel this way again after this pain. When he would share those feelings it pushed me further away because I was not able to think like that and I would distant my from him. The abortion was traumatic for me because I wanted to keep my baby, but I felt so vulnerable and rejected that I could not and even parts of me blamed my boyfriend. I lost all trust in him because of this, I felt like I will never go through this again and I am not guranteed that he would not ever panic again if we got pregnant again. I was scared of that rejection happening again and could not trust him.

So that was traumatizing.

Then we had COVID. And further I started working a job that people talked behind my back at, this was my first full time job and I felt exhausted constantly. Finally my boyfriend was becoming needy as we were only spending 1-2 days a week together. I didn't share with him what was happening but in my mind I was worried with him, I felt everytime I thought of the accident or the abortion I pictured him and this hurt me.

After 4 or so months of this only 2 days a week seeing each other we had our first ever blowout argument. During those 4 months atleast 2-3 times a month he would cry to me asking for more time and that he was willing to step up and put himself into the stuff in my life if it meant he was able to see me more. We took a walk and he surprised me by telling me he planned a trip for my birthday that we could go somewhere nice. But then I mentioned my families trip 2 weeks before this, and I forgot to mention my sisters husbands friend went. He began crying saying he wasn't even invited yet a friend to a husband got to go and he felt even more excluded. I blew up and told him I was pissed. He was crying most of the blowout because he felt excluded from my life and in my mind he was being needy.

I got angry and told him we need a break. I told him he pissed me off because I just spent the last 5 days working and I wanted to relax this weekend. As well, with all the crying he has been doing since our abortion and being needy I told him that he is bringing such negativity into my life and he is bringing me down.

We took a month break and halfway into it I couldn't take it any longer. I met with him and ended things. During this conversation I opened up to him and told him how I felt. I told him that I felt suicidal because of him and our relationship. I told him that I thought of ways I could leave the relationship and had suicidal thoughts to escape the negativity that I felt with him and the pain that he brought onto me from the accident and the arguments we had as well as the abortion and his panic attack. Then I told him how my heart was shattered into many pieces because of him and that I now felt like a shell of who I once was. He simply apologized for everything, crying, and continued to ask to work on things in some way. I told him I cannot because I connect him to these horrible things and I have no trust left for him. He was very sad and finally asked to be friends following our breakup. I agreed, but a week into and he was asking how I was doing and I told him I could not be friends any longer. That it was too hard for me and that I need a clean slate. I ended this by telling him maybe in a few years of healing we could be friends, and he told me he loved me, would pray for me and that I am strong and can overcome this, and hoped one day we could be together again.

Since then I removed him from everything and I explained to him during that final conversation that I connect him to those traumatic events. When I think of him I think of bad memories. Further I told him about the abortion and how had he not panicked and made me feel the most rejected I had ever in my life and broke my heart by his actions that I likely would not have got an abortion. He seemed devastated by this and really hurt.

I asked him for no contact so I can heal and we have been No Contact for 5 months.

Regarding what happened.

How can I forgive him for breaking my trust, breaking my heart and hurting me so deeply?

[GettingOOTF]

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is an incredible amount of trauma. Even one of those things you have been through would be too much. 

I too grew up in a dysfunctional  home and was in an abusing relationship.

For me I've come to see that it's not about forgiving the other person, it's about finding peace within myself. This peace has led me to see the situation with my ex more clearly. I'm not sure that I forgive him as such, it's more that he's not a factor in my life anymore and I make different choices with my relationships now.

There is a lot of support here. Many of us have been through similar things to you so there is a deep level of understanding that I haven't found elsewhere. I'd recommend reading previous threads to help start to make sense of it all. For me I addressed my relationship issues and then my family issues. Most of it the other way around but I found it as a ale to see my relationship with my ex more clearly than with my family.

I highly recommend reading Codependent No More. This was a turning point in my life and put me on the path to healing. I also recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to give you some insight in to your exes behavior.

You have made some really hard and incredibly brave decisions about your life so far.  There is a lot of wisdom and support on these boards so I hope you stay and use them as part of your healing journey.

[Starboard Song]

How can I forgive him for breaking my trust, breaking my heart and hurting me so deeply?

Oh my.

First off, I am so sorry to hear of this trauma. You've endured insult on top of injury, over and over. It is actually hard stuff you are enduring: please never doubt that this is extraordinary. So you should be ever so kind to yourself and know it may take a while to heal. You deserve that time.

I post only to say that, and to comment on forgiveness. Forgive has two senses. You can forgive an obligation, so that the other party no longer owes you money or whatever. And you can forgive in a second sense, where you are no longer angry or resentful. I just want you to know, as you proceed, that it is fine and decent to forgive someone and still want to make no contact ever. Forgiveness is an internal state. You can call it emotional, or spiritual, or a stage of grace. But it never determines with whom we should choose to have an intimate relationship.

So I'll leave you in better hands with folks with more experience, but please know that forgiveness is only letting go of anger and resentment, and never obliges you trust someone, for instance, whom you don't think is trustable.

Be good. Be strong.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry for all the trauma you have experienced.

If you do not trust this man its probably best that you do not continue in a relationship that is best built on trust.

There are many intense and complicated
Aspects to your story as posted here.  I hope that with time you will heal from all of this.  There are some helpful tools in the toolbox part of this website.  They may help you process your feelings.  It sounds like some of your feelings are yours to be responsible for and this is not all on the partner.  By this I mean how we process our feelings, how we connect them to experiences or people and trauma are not always things we can blame entirely on external people olaces or things. 

Processing the loss of a close relationship involves grief, and its stages and intense emotions relsted to those.  I hope you are kind to yourself and practice holistic self care in this hard time and that you will soon find yourself on a more positive portion of life's journey.

[Prototypian]

My heart goes out to you on everything you have shared.  I too recommend "codependent no more" but more important I recommend that you make sure you get to talk through the whole range of what you are feeling and what you need to do to heal.   The toolkits and recommendations here can help with no contact, or with reconcilation with someone.   I'm unsure if his behavior is PD.   But, I stress the need for you to sort out your fears and anxiety with a counselor to unpack everything that has happened to you.   It sounds truly overwhelming and more than a person should have to cope with.