struggling today...

[victoriousladyJj]

Everything has come together rather easily with my exit strategy. Mail forwarding has been taken care of, money is being saved, my divorce papers have been drafted and reviewed by the family court and await my submittal, and my mom is welcoming me home with open arms. All I do next is reserve the uhaul trailer and movers. In less then two weeks, I'll be driving out of state to start a new chapter of my life and I'm actually excited about it! However, some days like today I'm filled with tremendous anxiety at the thought of really leaving him on that day. My stomach and chest get so tight, I nearly feel like I'll faint. I believe its the guilt and fear of hurting someone that is making me feel this way. Even worse, its having to be fake and manipulative which is so outside of my character which makes me feel worse.

He believes we'll be moving out of state together in March. Everyday, he talks about a new job he's applied to or a new rental house he's looking at and it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach to grin and say "great".  He'll soon learn that this wasn't going to be happening at all. Fortunately, he will still have a job and a place to live. He was actually so resistant about the idea of us moving back to my home town, so he'll technically be left right where he wanted to be (just without me). I just wish I could sit down and say to him "this just isn't working for me, I'm not happy in this relationship. Now, you go your way and I'll go mine", but I know that would never happen! I'm simply not able to take that level of confrontation/rage and the mental and emotional abuse that I know will come as a result. It makes me feel like I'm a weak person.

I look back at this relationship and see now how much I have been conditioned to feel weak or not being about to stand up for myself and being intimidated out of the idea of leaving. I recall us watching TV and him casually saying things like " see, you're not strong like that, I don't know if you'd be able to handle XYZ" and "you're not 'real' enough to confront a situation" and "someone can't just leave a marriage without permission from the other spouse-That's not marriage", " Why would a person even get married in the first place if they want to leave?" It all feels like a major set up for this very moment- mental handcuffs! The other part of my anxiety comes from thinking, what if I'm wrong about all this? Will I regret it? Am I really just an "ungrateful" woman whose husband was so nice and kind, ironed her clothes and packed her lunch, but I just expected some unattainable level of perfection (as he would definitely say)?

Anyways, these are just the thoughts spinning through my head, I feel slightly better writing it out. How have you or are you all dealing with the anxiety/fear/guilt?

[GettingOOTF]

You are strong. And you can do this and so much more.

Up until the divorce was finalized by a judge my ex believed we'd be getting back together. He thought we'd remarry after the divorce as a "fresh start".  I did nothing to discourage him from thinking this. My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

My ex was shocked, SHOCKED! when I said I wanted a divorce. He said "but we are so happy". I was miserable. I'd told him over and over how unhappy I was. It's very rare that women leave a marriage out of the blue. I'm sure he's had plenty of chances. He chose the path he's on now.

Leaving is hard even when you want to. It sounds like you are going through the natural emotions any woman in your situation goes through.

[Stillirise]

I understand that feeling.  I can still vividly recall that time, nearly a year ago, when I was faking my way through.  It really is a horrible feeling.  Try to keep in mind, however he reacts is his choice, not your fault.

Keep looking back at your reasons why, when you start to second guess yourself.  I had reached a point where I knew any outcomes that resulted from the divorce couldn't be worse than the outcome of the life I was already living.  Sometimes, I still have to remind myself of that. 

You are strong and are going to keep getting stronger every day.  That terrible feeling inside will subside, once you execute your plan, and give yourself some time and space.  I wanted to believe everyone here last year, when they told me these same things, but inside I was still doubtful.  Guess what? They were right. 

[Kat54]

When you are truly unhappy wether you know it or not you are leaving your partner clues.  The statements he's made tells you he knows somethings up and if he can drop these little statements In your head you'll maybe not leave. Keep you there through subtle intimidation. But, you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Have a good exit strategy when moving day is approaching.

My ex said I blind sided him when I had him served with divorce papers, and this was what he told our kids and extended family.  At that point I had already moved out to my sisters home and at dinner out I told him point blank I was unhappy with the things he does. And it still didn't sink in his head that this was going to be permanent. 

[victoriousladyJj]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

This is incredibly empowering! I won't forget these words.

[Starboard Song]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

That's so true. When you are committed to getting out, that is your goal. Not to persuade, punish, or change. Only to get out. In all our interpersonal goals, and especially in a relationship with a PD, a clear focus on our goal is so important to success. And this is true for men and women, both.

Be good. Be strong.

[Boat Babe]

I like your description of gaslighting. Mental handcuffs. You put hand cuffs on a prisoner, to stop them escaping. That's a strong metaphor and you can arm yourself with this truth as you crawl through the next ten days.

I know exactly how you feel btw. Been there, done that. At thirty, I had an eighteen months relationship with a deeply malignant narcissist. A classic in the genre. A monster who shackled me with mental hand cuffs after a whirlwind, intense and exciting first six months. When I finally twigged that what he was doing was abuse, I knew I had to get out and the safest, and easiest, way was to just disappear. I was lucky. No kids and my own money. But I still had to organise stuff which took about three/four weeks from start to finish. They were three very long weeks of intense self control but what kept me going was that I knew I was saving myself and that I would eventually be OK.  Another thing that helped me was that now I knew what was happening (an Out of the FOG moment) he lost a lot of his power over me.  I was clued up enough to not let him see that. They can turn really nasty if they get a sniff of what you're planning.

Once I was gone, there was no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do. Both the leaving and the manner of leaving. I did leave a note!

Please be in no doubt that saving your own life, for this is what you're doing, is a VERY GOOD THING 😁.  We are all cheering you on from, probably, at least three continents! Keep coming here for support too. Much love.

[oak_tree]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

I know we all know this but I'll just say it anyway: This is not gender-specific. I can imagine a man feeling trapped by feelings of shame for being afraid of what his PD wife could do if he left. Just want to remind the men reading this, yeah, this goes for anyone. Get out safely.

Victorious, being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, and you don't have to justify it to anyone  

[Poison Ivy]

 

[victoriousladyJj]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

I know we all know this but I'll just say it anyway: This is not gender-specific. I can imagine a man feeling trapped by feelings of shame for being afraid of what his PD wife could do if he left. Just want to remind the men reading this, yeah, this goes for anyone. Get out safely.

Victorious, being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, and you don't have to justify it to anyone

Of course! And, thank you 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi victorious lady I spotted your post last week and wanted to say I hope you're ok. I've been in a similar position (more news soon...)

"I'm simply not able to take that level of confrontation/rage and the mental and emotional abuse that I know will come as a result. It makes me feel like I'm a weak person." - I can totally relate to this. You are right, no one should have to take that.

Something that has really helped me is to find my mantra- boil down the reasons why I'm leaving into 2 or 3 absolute deal breakers. It sounds daft, but part of my mantra is: think about retirement- do you want to be with pdH into old age? (Erm ..NO!!). Whatever it is, find your mantra and keep returning to it.

I'm reading Why Does He Do That, which really helps too. Highlight parts that apply to you, keep re reading.

Another thing that jumped out at me when I read your post was the harassment while watching TV! My pdH did this. I'd be trying to watch a bloody movie and he couldn't leave me alone without pestering me, drawing parallels between the movie and our relationship.. unbelievable.

I hope you're having a better week. Sending you a virtual hug x

[Prototypian]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

I know we all know this but I'll just say it anyway: This is not gender-specific. I can imagine a man feeling trapped by feelings of shame for being afraid of what his PD wife could do if he left. Just want to remind the men reading this, yeah, this goes for anyone. Get out safely.

Victorious, being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, and you don't have to justify it to anyone

I'm impressed by anyone leaving a relationship with a PD who treats them.poorly.   Out of the FOG woild not exist if there was not someone on the non PD side of the relationship staying and living with the stress and anxiety.   

Victorious lady, I'm proud of you and envious!

Jsj

[victoriousladyJj]

Something that has really helped me is to find my mantra- boil down the reasons why I'm leaving into 2 or 3 absolute deal breakers. It sounds daft, but part of my mantra is: think about retirement- do you want to be with pdH into old age? (Erm ..NO!!). Whatever it is, find your mantra and keep returning to it.

I am having a much better week. Thank you so much for asking! I have less than 4 days before I leave and ironically enough, the more my plans have solidified the more confident I'm feeling! You are so right about having a mantra. I have been hanging on to so many of the words and encouragement that has been written for me here. Whenever I start to feel anxious again, I say to myself "You are strong", "you are stronger than you ever imagined", "when leaving, a woman should do or say whatever it takes to get out and get out safely". It really helps! I've also noticed the more Out of the FOG I become, the less I see him as someone with any ounce of strength or power to control me. I see him as a very small and insecure person who is doing what he thinks he needs to do to survive and I just happened to be the person he convinced to put up with him- which also means I am free to leave whenever I want. I am NOT in prison.

Another thing that jumped out at me when I read your post was the harassment while watching TV! My pdH did this. I'd be trying to watch a bloody movie and he couldn't leave me alone without pestering me, drawing parallels between the movie and our relationship.. unbelievable.

I hope you're having a better week. Sending you a virtual hug x

OMG! This gave me a laugh! Isn't it ridiculous!?!? Maybe they think they are brainwashing us  

[Boat Babe]

Go you victorious lady. We've all got your back and you've so got this.

This forum is such a lifesaver.

[victoriousladyJj]

My advice to every single woman leaving a relationship is to do and say what ever it takes to get out and get out safely.

I know we all know this but I'll just say it anyway: This is not gender-specific. I can imagine a man feeling trapped by feelings of shame for being afraid of what his PD wife could do if he left. Just want to remind the men reading this, yeah, this goes for anyone. Get out safely.

Victorious, being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, and you don't have to justify it to anyone

I'm impressed by anyone leaving a relationship with a PD who treats them.poorly.   Out of the FOG woild not exist if there was not someone on the non PD side of the relationship staying and living with the stress and anxiety.   

Victorious lady, I'm proud of you and envious!

Jsj

Thank you so much!