Weird mail

[Mathilda]

I got a weird mail from UPDM's case manager.
She wrote that dad had asked her if I know how they are doing (not surprisingly he didn't ask her if she knows how I'm doing).
She told him, no your daughter doesn't know since you are NC 
But dad wanted to let me know how they are doing, so she offered him to send me an e-mail about them to which he agreed.

She started by telling me dad had left a message on her voicemail that he wanted to cancel the appointment, but then changed his mind and allowed her to come over.
Then she went on with some information about UPDM's health, who has lost weight. It seems UPDM doesn't have much of an appetite. She will ask the doctor to perform a health check on her.
(Good! She's started to loose weight years ago, but she never wanted to see to a doctor)

Being mom's caregiver is very hard for dad, because UPDM thinks she can still do all the chores, which she can't, but if he does them she gets mad at him.
(Yeah, I know. That's how she is. He knows that too, he's married to her for 55 years  )

They have home help once a week and she continues to visit them once a month, but mom and dad find it very difficult to accept any other form of help.
(Sigh ... I know)

Dad is feeling lonely, because all his activities outdoors have been canceled because of covid. And hardly anyone visits them.
(Before covid nobody visited either)

Dad and brother both do not believe covid is a real problem, which makes things even harder for dad.
(Yes, brother just loves conspiracies. Too bad dad believes his fantasies)


That's it 

Oh, and if I have any questions I can call her.


What is this?!

What does she want from me?
To jump up, go over to their house and feed mom? To have a serious conversation with dad about the dangers of covid? To tell mom not to be so nasty to dad and let him do the chores?

These are not my children, they are grown up people.

Can't make any sense of this.

[Andeza]

I gotta shake my head at this one. Heck of a hoover attempt that's for sure. Best advice, carry on with you, toss the ridiculous letter, tear it up if you think that'll help, and return to business as usual.

[SunnyMeadow]

That's weird and very telling that he didn't ask her if she knows how you're doing!

What does she want from me?
To jump up, go over to their house and feed mom? To have a serious conversation with dad about the dangers of covid? To tell mom not to be so nasty to dad and let him do the chores?
These are not my children, they are grown up people.

Exactly right, what does she want from you? To maybe instill some guilt so you'll run over there and rub their backs?

I'd reply "I'm NC, that means No Contact, please don't send me anything else about them". Or better yet, block her email.

Weirdddd! 

[Mathilda]

I gotta shake my head at this one. Heck of a hoover attempt that's for sure. Best advice, carry on with you, toss the ridiculous letter, tear it up if you think that'll help, and return to business as usual.

Thank you! I'm so confused. And I can't understand why the case manager sends me an e-mail like this, when she knows I am NC.
She called me in September to introduce herself to me (my parents gave her my number) even when my parents had told her we are NC for 2 years. I told her why I had to go NC and she seemed to understand and respect my decision.

But now I feel like she doesn't. And I have this uncanny feeling she is trying to get me to be their caregiver. No!

[Fiasco]

Are there any emails you actually do want from this person? Like have you asked to be notified in the event someone is dying or has died? Or do you want zero emails from the case manager forever. If you want zero you can block that email address. If you had requested some contact from her you might reply with the list of very specific circumstances where you expect to hear from her, and a reminder that you want to hear absolutely nothing else.

[Mathilda]

That's weird and very telling that he didn't ask her if she knows how you're doing!

What does she want from me?
To jump up, go over to their house and feed mom? To have a serious conversation with dad about the dangers of covid? To tell mom not to be so nasty to dad and let him do the chores?
These are not my children, they are grown up people.

Exactly right, what does she want from you? To maybe instill some guilt so you'll run over there and rub their backs?

I'd reply "I'm NC, that means No Contact, please don't send me anything else about them". Or better yet, block her email.

Weirdddd! 

If she wanted to instill guilt she didn't succeed, but she did make me feel terrible. Had a real hard time to concentrate at work, and it's a new job so I need to focus.
Awful mail 

I already sent her an e-mail that I am aware of their problems, but I cannot help them.

But you are right, NC is NC. She has no right to do this.

[Mathilda]

Are there any emails you actually do want from this person? Like have you asked to be notified in the event someone is dying or has died? Or do you want zero emails from the case manager forever. If you want zero you can block that email address. If you had requested some contact from her you might reply with the list of very specific circumstances where you expect to hear from her, and a reminder that you want to hear absolutely nothing else.

Yes, I had asked to be notified if my mother has to move to a caring facility or nursing home. I don't need to hear that she has lost her appetite 
But I think now I don't want any e-mails at all from her.

[Andeza]

To be honest, she probably *thinks* she does understand, but people that haven't lived it the way we have may not be capable of full understanding. I'm not saying they aren't, just a big fat "may not."

That or she thinks if she rattles your cage now and then eventually you'll come around. I've known people like that before. They think if they poke infrequently, but still keep poking, you'll start to see things their way. They don't realize we're sitting back saying, "Oh hell no!"

Whether you block or not is up to you, but she clearly has the power to screw up your day, so definitely consider it. I mean, you're NC, so even if your mother's need for care does advance, what would it change about your situation?

[WinterStar]

But dad wanted to let me know how they are doing, so she offered him to send me an e-mail about them to which he agreed.

This is the key. She is your mom's case worker (CW), their representative. She was asked by your father to contact you, so she did.

The CW may not understand that indirect contact is still a violation of no contact. If she doesn't have a lot of experience with disordered people, she may not get that they sometimes get others to deliver their toxic goo, which is just as potent secondhand.

Or she may know that this is a violation of your boundaries but feel that she has to send the message since your father requested it.

Although it's possible, I doubt the CW expects you to act. It really sounds to me like her message is just a faithful dictation of what your father wants you to know. I'm sure he wants you to feel bad, so kudos to him on finding a new way to do that. If the CW feels obligated to oblige such requests despite the fact that you don't want these kinds of messages, I'd block her.

[Mathilda]

I mean, you're NC, so even if your mother's need for care does advance, what would it change about your situation?

Nothing really.
But when she called me last September (to introduce herself and telling me my parents miss me - first violation!) she gave me the impression that my mother was already in an advanced stage of dementia and the severe rages that eventually lead me to NC might be a symptom of the disease.
I had my doubts, but I didn't want to be too harsh, so I offered some practical help (filling in forms, do their taxes i.e.) if necessary, but told her I would not visit them. But I also told her I believe apart from dementia mom has serious personality issues and my parents have always had a bad marriage. I gave her lots of information. I believed in that way I could help my parents, while still staying in my 'shark cage'.

Maybe she's found out that mom's dementia isn't that advanced as she thought. That there are other problems, which she finds too difficult to handle. And thinks lots of her problems will be solved if I start seeing my parents again.

[Mathilda]

But dad wanted to let me know how they are doing, so she offered him to send me an e-mail about them to which he agreed.

The CW may not understand that indirect contact is still a violation of no contact. If she doesn't have a lot of experience with disordered people, she may not get that they sometimes get others to deliver their toxic goo, which is just as potent secondhand.

Or she may know that this is a violation of your boundaries but feel that she has to send the message since your father requested it.
(...)
If the CW feels obligated to oblige such requests despite the fact that you don't want these kinds of messages, I'd block her.

Yeah, it's exactly that.

She may or may not be aware of it, but she is being used by my parents as their flying monkey. And it's making me sick.

I have blocked her number, not blocked her email yet.
This morning I sent her a second mail in which I ask to stop sending me messages on behalf of my parents, since I already made clear that we are NC and by sending me these messages she violates my boundaries.
And that if she sends me another mail, I will file a complaint at the organisation the CW works for or might even take legal action. 

(In my country in Europe these professionals are called 'case managers'. CW is much shorter, so I will use that next time :-) )

Thank you all so much!

[Fiasco]

.
This morning I sent her a second mail in which I ask to stop sending me messages on behalf of my parents, since I already made clear that we are NC and by sending me these messages she violates my boundaries.

Awesome job! Asking a third party to mind their own business does not violate NC to my mind, it's just good old fashioned boundaries. Hoping your actions bring you peace of mind.

[Mathilda]

.
This morning I sent her a second mail in which I ask to stop sending me messages on behalf of my parents, since I already made clear that we are NC and by sending me these messages she violates my boundaries.

Awesome job! Asking a third party to mind their own business does not violate NC to my mind, it's just good old fashioned boundaries. Hoping your actions bring you peace of mind.

I sent another mail this morning to file a complaint at the organisation the CW works for. What she did was already not acceptable and I decided I don't want to wait and see if she does it again 

Now I will try to enjoy the weekend   

[daughter]

I think these administrative folks ultimately act in best interest of their agency, regardless of your instructions. And so they may periodically reach out to you anyways, seemingly tone-deaf, ignoring your prior request of "no contact/no information".  Remind her, as often as needed, before she gets into long winded explanations, and politely, but firmly, end calls, and/or ignore emails.

[Mathilda]

I think these administrative folks ultimately act in best interest of their agency, regardless of your instructions. And so they may periodically reach out to you anyways, seemingly tone-deaf, ignoring your prior request of "no contact/no information".  Remind her, as often as needed, before she gets into long winded explanations, and politely, but firmly, end calls, and/or ignore emails.

Well, the good thing is I will hopefully move to a new apartment in a few months. And I will make sure neither my parents nor the case worker will have my new adress and I will change my phonenumber.

Maybe I am too positive, but honestly I doubt she will try it again.

Because the other good thing is, well it took me a while but then the situation eventually made me apart from really stressed and confused also really furious  and when I'm furious, I'm actually at my best 
So in my complaint I have made absolutely clear that I WILL take legal action if she does it again. In my country there have been lawsuits against case workers who tried to make people caregivers against their will and all of those people have won their lawsuits  And I WILL go to court if I have to defend MY LIFE !!