Planning to get Married

[soccer23]

Hello, I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months and on our one year anniversary I believe he is going to propose.  That is not my concern, he is a great guy that my therapist approves of. However my BPD mother is going crazy,  at the beginning of the relationship she was great, and I should've seen this coming. Now she is saying things like I treat my dog better then I treat him, she told my boyfriend that he should not trust me and then hinted that I am fat, and I am actually extremely under weight. Well now that we are going to have to plan a wedding she is already upset that I am not putting my sister in the wedding. She says she wants to sit down with me and have a serious talk about my plans. She wants to take all of her friends with me to do wedding dress shopping. I know I need to set boundaries and I am trying to enjoy this process but how can one do that when everything I do is going to be a disappointment to her? I want her to be involved but I don't know. I have always wanted a great wedding and I do not know how to do that with a BDP mother and a NPD sister...

[Fiasco]

You're about to get a lot of comments saying "elope" lol. First off, congratulations!  Getting down to business keep her as far out of your wedding as humanly possible. Go get your dress without her Jesus who feels the need to help an adult woman pick out her clothes anyway. In my personal experience the best way to keep control of your wedding is to pay for it yourself, all of it. Don't let her pay for the dress or the catering or the effing champagne glasses. NOTHING. Good luck and congratulations again!

[ShyTurtle]

 

And also: yes, I feel you should elope! Lol! Covid is a great excuse to do so right now!

And also, congratulations!

And also, keep the power in your own court when it comes to celebrating the two of you! This is about the two of you and nobody else.

[Amadahy]

Congrats, Soccer!!

And, in all seriousness, consider eloping.  I wish I had -- nearly 32 years ago.  The day itself was ok, but I was tense before, during and after, worrying that Nmom would act up.  I couldn't enjoy what should have been a beautiful day .... and was, but I couldn't be fully present. 

Again, congrats! 

[soccer23]

That is what sucks though cause when I was a kid I knew I wanted to get married on a beach and then spend the week with my husband, I wanted to party with my friends and just have a good time. I just feel like life is so unfair, because my mother is BPD I don't get to have any of my wishes come true? none of this is fair...

[Thru the Rain]

That is what sucks though cause when I was a kid I knew I wanted to get married on a beach and then spend the week with my husband, I wanted to party with my friends and just have a good time. I just feel like life is so unfair, because my mother is BPD I don't get to have any of my wishes come true? none of this is fair...

You should get married on a beach and have a big party with your friends. Maybe due to covid, the party comes later - and even pre-covid, that was a thing.

I agree with all the other posters, keep your M out of the details. And the easiest way to do that is to no accept any money to pay for anything.

And I'll also jump in with "you should elope". Maybe on a beach? I can tell you on my wedding day, after a TON of abuse from my uPDM, I wished so much that DH and I had just ditched everyone and gotten married somewhere else.

[Fiasco]

That is what sucks though cause when I was a kid I knew I wanted to get married on a beach and then spend the week with my husband, I wanted to party with my friends and just have a good time. I just feel like life is so unfair, because my mother is BPD I don't get to have any of my wishes come true? none of this is fair...

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to plan a sort of a combination of destination wedding and elopement. I mean, if you happened to plan a vacation to Hawaii (or whatever beach is relevant and accessible to you where you live) with a wedding ceremony on the beach, and your best friends happened to book into the same resort.....

This is what happens with a destination wedding anyway. Most people who would go to a traditional, local wedding do not have the time/money/desire to travel so far. Without covid or BPD moms that's how they work. Hence the modern tradition of having your big reception when you get home from Bora Bora or wherever. Maybe join some wedding planning forums (there must be some?) and research destination weddings. You may find out that what you and future hubby want is normal and would be socially acceptable.

I know it's hard and I feel for you. All weddings are crazy emotional and trying under the best of family circumstances. Our society has equated the lavishness/awesomeness of your wedding with the health/success/value of  your actual marriage and that is BULL. If you choose to have a baby you will find the exact same (super unhealthy) focus and pressure on your birth "choices". As if anyone has ever said to themselves "I sure would feel more loved if my mom had done XYZ while giving birth to me".

I might be ranting now. Go, research exactly what you want, and be free!

[Andeza]

Yes, I concur, dream wedding + BPD mother = potentially not a dream wedding anymore. If I had known the things I know now when I got married almost a decade ago, I wouldn't have invited my mother. Our wedding was pretty good, but only because I was able to shut out the constant thread of "Oh I don't like how my dress looks now!" or "The hairdresser gave me an old lady style!" (which she asked for) or "Why does his family look sooo, sooo.... classy?" said with a strong taint of disgust. I ignored it, but I do remember it.

She was not allowed to make decisions regarding the wedding. Honestly, it would have been difficult for her to sabotage anything as I went cheap cheap cheap! I think the whole thing was less than 2k. And it was what I wanted. I put my darn foot down. "Don't you want real flowers?" No. "Don't you want a wedding planner?" Nope, I got this, thanks. I got really, really good at saying no to my mother. "Are you sure you want to make your own dress?" "Yeah, I got this."

If you don't anticipate being able to put your foot down like that, if you think you'll cave to the FOG, then seriously consider having your dream wedding with just your friends, then a little commitment dinner when you get home. Florida, if you're in the states, has some truly lovely beaches on the Gulf of Mexico side (Pensacola, Destin, etc), and most are relatively affordable. Florida is also not closed like a clam's butt right now. Just avoid late July through early September, when the seaweed is washing up on shore and hurricanes are most likely.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Congratulations, Soccer! 

When we set boundaries everything we do seems to disappointment them. Even if we let them ride rough shot thinking it is easier and there might now at least be peace in the kingdom things never really are peaceful. We can realize we just gave up everything we wanted for a goal we could never have met anyway. It is a crazy-go-round.     
                 
I want to say that you matter. I do not know how to have peace with a PD parent throughout such an occasion, but I think  you can have peace with yourself and the decisions you make about it. It might be useful to remember aspects of "that's mine/this is yours". Such as your parent's reactions and feelings are actually hers to manage - not your responsibility. Boundary setting is also great because your decisions will be based on healthy aspects for you. Then be prepared to stay calm but firm in communicating your decisions. 

[Hilltop]

Congratulations, such an exciting time for you.  This is the time for you to have strict boundaries put in place.  Have the wedding you want to have otherwise you will regret it big time down the track.  I have had numerous conversations with other people where they have said they regret how their wedding went because they let their mother take over and it didn't end up being the wedding they want and their families weren't PD, lol.

Do not go wedding dress shopping with her, just say no.  Pay for it yourself, if you let her give you any money she will think she has a say.  If she wants to give her opinion on anything, let her, smile and nod and listen, say you will think about it and then do what you want to do.  Do not have your sister in the wedding if you do not want to.  You will be really busy over this time planning etc so let their nastiness float into the background, easier said than done I know.  Your mother will try to take over the guest list and also invite her friends, if you are paying stand firm and only have the people you want there. Don't get drawn into any disagreements with them.

Do not give in to the wedding dress shopping, take your best friend or close friends.  I say this because mothers like this like to ruin special moments for us and if you love a dress sure as anything she will make some comment that will sting and it will dampen that experience, keep this in the back of your mind with everything.  If you keep her out of the planning you can just have it how you want without the negativity.  Bringing her friends is making it all about her, a fun day out for her, it shouldn't be about her, this is a special time for you, so take a friend that will acknowledge this time for you.

Congratulations.

[Lisa]

Soccer23:  Could you have a small wedding/ an elopement that she is invited to... that she thinks is the 'real' wedding?  And THEN have the wedding and party of your dreams (without her knowledge of it) with all the people you want and do it exactly as you have dreamed of?

[moglow]

Soccer23, I tend to err on the side of caution, and try as best I can to not borrow trouble. There'll probably be plenty of opportunity for your mother to "perform" [my word for my mother's behavior] and there's no real way to know which way that might be.

It's a good idea to use this time to start setting how you want to go forward. Example: Mom demands to know your plans: "mom we're not even engaged yet. Let's cross that bridge when we get to it." But I need to KNOW! "Yes, and when I have questions or concerns, I'll talk about them with you. Right now it's not an issue, we're nowhere near that point yet." We need to talk about your plans! [and goes into all her many concerns and complaints] "Fiance and I haven't talked about that yet. We'll have to see what we come up with."

Deflect. Change the subject. Tell her you'll have to get back to her on that later, etc. There's really no need for her endless prying and suppositions, judgments and commentary.

My fo' real suggestion? Get her out of your finances and future plans asap! Understand that if you make her a financial partner in this wedding/your life, she'll demand that she dictate terms. And she'll threaten to withhold if you don't comply. You'll be constantly expecting her to pull the rug out from under you, or she could do it when you're least expecting it just because she can. Share what you feel comfortable sharing but don't cave to anything you don't want to discuss or is frankly none of her business.

[GettingOOTF]

My mother in law was the nightmare at my wedding. I won't go in to details but she made the entire thing about her. It caused SO much stress. My ex and I ended up having a huge fight about it and I spent the day crying.

We ended up getting divorced. There were other issues but looking back the stress of the wedding really wasn't a good start for us. And I paid did the wedding. It doesn't matter who pays what matters to them is that they get what they want.

If I get married again I'm going to have a really intimate ceremony on a beach somewhere.

[makingachange]

That is so exciting!  I am happy for you!  =)  (Not the stressful mother part though!) 

For my wedding, my narcissistic aunt went crazy on me because I did not include my cousin in my wedding party.  She basically threatened me, and caused a HUGE dramatic situation for me.  It was supposed to be my special time, but she completely turned this into something that was overly stressful and complicated.  It was my choice...but, because I felt so threatened, I ended up caving in. 

I would highly recommend you setting up some really strict boundaries and sticking to them no matter what.  This was many years ago, when I was completely unaware of my family's issues and I was deep in the fog.

I feel if you don't set up those boundaries and make them strict, your mother and family may try to really force you towards doing things their way.

This is your special time...they can of course be involved, but I would say let them know what you are willing and not willing to do.  <3

I am wishing you the very best!!!!  <3

[Hilltop]

GettingOOTF I'm so sorry that your day was ruined, it sounded very stressful and hurtful and I'm thinking it would still sting years later. 

Soccor23 another thought I had, if you are not use to putting many boundaries in place with your mother then another way around this is to choose something you don't really care about.  I'm not sure but pick something small that if not done properly or not done at all won't make a difference on the day.  That way you can tell her that you have it covered but can she help with xyz.  Or if you don't want her ruining anything just say you have it covered. Its just an idea if you feel yourself caving to the pressure which we have all been there, have a task in mind that doesn't matter to you, see this as a back up option if she gets really pushy.

Have some ready made replies for her.  To delay her something like "We just want to enjoy the engagement for a while before we start planning", then organise what you want and then by the time you tell her you can say "Oh yes we decided on xyz for the venue", when she complains "well we put a deposit down as we loved it so much, its done and I am so excited".   

As Moglow says "we haven't started thinking of that yet, I'll get back to you" etc.  Or just listen to what she is thinking, nod and then do what you want to do.  That is the main thing to remember, its your wedding, plan as you want to, people can and will have opinions, it's ok to listen to them but then do things as you want. 

Just remember that they will put the pressure on you and it's ok to say no and do your own thing.  You've got this.