Need advice about wife’s narc ex

[dakota-stormwalker]

My wife and I have been together 3 years. She shares a 7 year old with her ex who is a covert narc. I often feel like there's 3 of us in this marriage. My wife and I have known each other since we were kids. We get along great until he comes along each week with his insanity. Almost every argument we've had has been because of him. If he makes her angry, she's angry the rest of the day. The pick up/drop off time for the kid is 3:30 pm. He doesn't really do much when we pick her up but when we drop her off, he needles my wife to no end. I tell her he thrives on her reactions. After we've had an argument, she'll get better but it's only for a week or two then back to the same behavior.

She tries to control the way he does things at his house. I tell her it's none of her business. I feel like it's detrimental to the kid. After all, her parents are arguing all the time. My wife doesn't do it in front of the kid, but her ex does. He even belittles my wife in front of the kid, BUT she's getting older and seeing for herself that her dad is wrong and mom is not the person dad says. She's even caught her dad in quite a few lies. He's hanging himself. His house, his rules, our house, our rules, my wife should stay out of his business.

The kid was sick last week so she wore a pair of my wife's boxer shorts and one of my wife's T-shirts home. The ex didn't send them back. He claimed he couldn't find them. I didn't find out about it until today. I understand that my wife just lounges around in these boxers as if they are shorts, but in the ex's mind, he has a pair of her underwear and her T-shirt. I'm not supposed to be upset about this, apparently!

We've been through 3 years of this. Every week or every other week, there is something going on between the two of them, some kind of argument, which bleeds over into our personal life. I didn't sign up for this. I feel like 3 years into this is plenty of time for my wife to have gotten to a place where she can set boundaries and start enforcing them. Instead, she sets them and forgets them and then it's back to the same routine. She wants us to go to therapy. At this point, I'm ready to call it quits and let them continue on their Merry-Go-Round of insanity. Any advice, tips, helpful pointers for her and/or me would be greatly appreciated!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. Please read the Toolbox  tab and start implementing the strategies that you find helpful for your own protection.

It really sounds like a Merry-Go-Round that you have joined without signing up for it. And it sounds like you are very clear sighted about the situation you are in. You might have been triangulated into your wife and her exes drama and become an essential part of it. Your wife replenishes her energy and resolve with you, then goes and engages in her continued fight with her ex where she spends it. She chooses to do that, and if she wanted to stop, that would be up to her. She might have to get professional help to work on her trauma bond, but nothing will change unless she wants it to and works on herself.  At the moment she enables her ex's behaviour - she gives him attention and emotional energy. Sadly, you will not be able to change this, only she can do that. Same as she cannot change her ex's behaviour, no matter how much she tries to control it.

Where does that leave you? I have learned that I can only change my response to whatever challenge comes at me and that if I focus on my own behaviour and what is good for me,  I make healthy decisions. In your situation there is a child involved and we have this suggestion to put children first - in the sense of making sure they (and we) are safe. Rescue yourself and the child, and allow those that want to engage in their drama. Be empathic but not enabling.  Let this suggestion guide you - make sure you and the child are ok, start implementing the strategies from the toolbox, keep reading and posting here. You are not alone!

There is a book that I found very helpful that you might find interesting "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fijelstad.

Again - welcome - and see you around on the boards.

[dakota-stormwalker]

Thank you for your response. I've been a little blinded by frustration and anger. My wife's a college graduate but her behavior has been that of a high schooler, despite being in our 40s. You've given me a lot to think about. I couldn't see the forest for the trees regarding the kid. I couldn't love her more if she were my own. I've been there since she was conceived. She's a miracle baby (a story for another time). I'll use the Toolbox, do some studying on the topics you mentioned, and see about counseling, for all 3 of us.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi

I agree with notriightinthehead.

To add,  I would encourage you to seek out a counsellor who you can talk to about the situation and who appears to understand about the situation your wife is in.

I think to myself as I read your post, there are some reasons why she is like this towards her ex and why she wants to try to control how things go at his house.

Its not realistic to control someone else's household but it is also reasonable to know what goes on in the houses where our young children spend so much time. This dilemma is a tough one and it is a situation unique to families where kids are spending time in more than 1 household. On the boards here there are many folks who have experienced this and hopefully you can join some dialogues that are helpful on that front.

In my experience with enmeshed bonds (ie to an ex) people often carry some fears and beliefs about what will happen of they detach or pull themselves away from the bond and drama. But until they can get to a point of discussing that with a counsellor they might just defend their behaviours over and over.

One thing I've learned in this journey Out of the FOG is that old Bernard Shaw quote about the myth about communication is that it has taken place.

Arguing about it isn't the same as listening and discussing. Sounds like you've had lots of arguing, which is exhausting.

When people don't want to discuss their FOG they argue instead. As the adult survivor of a FOO where all was argued but nothing was discussed, this is familiar territory to me and maybe it is for you too.

It is hard to manage the situation you find your family in.

We don't live in a society where there are clear road maps for people who are having to parent with an immature ex. We end up having to figure it out as we go.
Which can lead to anxiety about getting it wrong. Which can lead to trying to control the other household...

You expression for some sanity and calm and way less drama in your life is completely completely valid. I don't want to ignore that at all.

My advice is to rally some support- probably via counsellors - and to keep using this site as well so you can talk more with people who understand some of what you are facing right now with your family. 

Trees