Does it sound like NPD/Borderline? Any insight welcome.

[Dollydrops]

Hi, I'm back after a break.
My story is not one I'm proud of and yet it's always felt right for me.
It comes from an affair I entered into ( against my usual morals) with someone who totally swept me off my feet. It lasted five years with lots of confusion from him. Bombarding me with constant contact and even some stalking which at the time I mistook for him being shy and trying to tell me how he felt. Nothing dangerous but because of that I was pulled in very fast and hard. He was 'in love' within a month and stuck to very habitual contact times...so much that I would feel anxious if he missed a day.
When D day happened I was absolutely heartbroken. Left to pick up my own pieces but he wouldnt end it.....I did.
I never had a day when I didnt miss him and then he brought me back into his life two years later. I was ecstatic. I thought it odd at first that he went straight into messaging me with exactly the same words and phrases like there had been no time lapse and it wasnt long before he said it was me he wanted and had regretted his previous decision not to leave his family. It seemed he was desperately unhappy at home as his spouse wasnt forgiving him . In the time since he has taken up my days and nights with constant contact always declaring deep love for me, with the odd week here and there whilst home with family. He has never 'had time' to make it physical and I've often felt like a confidante to his marriage problems. His contact with me has slowly shifted from being about me, doesnt ask about my day etc, to all the bad things in his life. He says everything is bad 'except me'. I've been there through months of his grief of losing a parent, his marriage problems, his job being crap, busy, and most recently his illnesses. Slowly his contact was dwindling with the words 'busy'...not had time alone'...tired etc and the usual app in which we talk has gone on hold. Im completely aware that it looks like hes being pulled back into family and yet he is telling me I'm the live of his life.
On a meeting just before Christmas he got 'very excited' physically leading me to believe things were moving goals but then he didnt contact me for 2bwerks...never mentioned it even though I know he had alone time. When I broached it the next time I saw him he laughed it off with a cruel remark. I for the first time ever asked for an explanation and told him i wasnt his agony aunt. If anyone saw our correspondence and meetings it's clear we're not just friends, which he agrees too. His reaction was to stonewall me over Christmas and new year. I've heard from him once since telling me the holidays were miserable without me and he loves me with all his heart.
These times have, over the years been a pattern from him. Totally obsessive and then backing away. I'm in constant turmoil with it all and think I may be trauma bonded. Spending my time in conflict because I cant voice an opinion without him disappearing and waiting the same time every night for his contact.

[bloomie]

Hi Dollydrops. Welcome to the community. All of this hot/cold and confusing behavior over such a long time has to have your head spinning and your heart hurting. It is a lot to try and reconcile I would imagine.

I hope you find your time sharing on the boards an encouragement as you find your way to healing and moving forward after all of this. I just wanted to mention that we focus on behaviors and traits here and finding resources and strategies for healing and growth and not attempting to diagnose another as that is something only highly trained pros can do.

See you out there on the boards!

[Dollydrops]

Thanks Bloomie,
Yes I dont expect a diagnosis but just really hoping for similar stories which may help me in my confusion.
I doubt myself a lot and wonder if it's me overreacting.

[Boat Babe]

Dear dollydrops, that's no way to live. You are putting your life on hold for a man who can never give you what you want;, a committed, honest relationship. From what you say this guy is acting dishonestly with both the women in his life. I think you have been gaslit to hell and she probably is too.

My mother dated a string of married men when I was little. She could not see that she was setting herself up for heartache and that she was being used. Mum is probably BPD and has C-PTSD or I'm a monkey's uncle as we say in London. She wanted love at any price (and I'm a bit like that but that's another thread) but she paid dearly for basically crumbs.  There's a line in Leonard Cohen song Famous blue raincoat where he's writing to an old friend who had seduced his wife.

"So you treated my woman
To a flake of your life
And when she got home
She was nobody's wife."

The man you love will never make you happy. I am so sorry to be so blunt but once you know this, you can move on and rebuild your life.

[Dollydrops]

Boat babe....
Not at all. Blunt is what I need and exactly why I'm here.
I'm also at a place where I need to get many years of this off my chest whilst I have no one to talk to apart from one friend who doesnt really understand the depth of it.
I'm sure I've come to the right place with like minded people who understand the trauma bonding that manipulation and gas lighting can cause.
Thanks for your reply.