NSIL trying to Undermine My Marriage

[DesertRose]

One of my biggest problems with NSIL has been that she tries to undermine my marriage to DH. On our wedding day, she told me "I (NSIL) should have married him". She has played endless games to try and make him choose between us all the while trying to act like it's unintentional.

After trying to cause drama, a conflict, or a problem where he has to choose between us, she will try to appear innocent by playing stupid. Here is her pattern:

1. cause drama
2. Play stupid (look shocked, say "I didn't know")
3. Act teachable - act like she wants to fix the problem and suggest or make changes for next time (but she never really changes her behaviours and keeps doing the same things again)
4. Become like the worlds most fragile and delicate victim if confronted. Shake. Cover face with hands.  Cry. Run from the room and cower. Hyperventilate. MAke the person confronting who raises a concern look like they did something wrong, like they are the bad guy. 
5. Use as many behaviours and faces and gestures as possible while avoiding words.
6. Never ever ever really resolve anything. Mains her view that she is perfect.

SIL has tried to organise family holidays without me, tried to "accidentally" leave my name off of communication so I don't get dates and times in time to attend, says to DH she can only meet for dinner at the time when I have a doc appointment I can't change, makes her wedding the due date when my baby is due and has it in another country, invites DH to meet her new baby and says I shouldn't come bc she hears I have a cold. Etc etc. Some of these things are not addressable - and when DH has tried to address it she acts like "she just didn't know".

As a couple, how should DH and I handle things things to protect our marriage? Eg, if she says she doesn't want me to meet her baby bc I have a cold but invites DH, should he go? Should he wait for me? (I told him just to go - but maybe I shouldn't have?)

I don't want to cause hurt to DH but I also want to guard our marriage and be treated with respect.

[all4peace]

DesertRose, this sounds really upsetting. For clarification before I talk with you further, is SIL your husband's sister, or is this is a sister-in-law through some other relationship?

[bloomie]

DesertRose - Oh, the challenges of a rivalrous and competitive sister in law. I know first hand the angst that comes from a nemesis that arises out of seemingly nothing and nowhere and simply because your DH loves you more - as it should be.  I am really sad to hear you are in the midst of the storm with this relationship.

The sweet/mean cycle and the wide eyed innocence... "I just don't know what I've done..." the drama-bound running from a room or copious crocodile tears... and all of the confusing mixed messages can really knock us for a loop. (or at least they did me for far too long in similar experiences)

I will tell you what I wish someone had told my younger self -

You and your precious DH are the center of your own separate family unit. The emotional, spiritual, moral center. The place of strength, wisdom, and loyalty. An intimate and powerful force that is guided and governed by the two of you and from your core values. Your marriage will flourish when you place the safety and security of your relationship and each other first.

Your decisions about how close to allow anyone that consistently over time refuses to manage their behaviors in ways that are mutually respectful and honoring of you as individuals, and your marriage, who brings conflict and attempts to divide you from each other are easier when the priority is your marriage and family first. Always. What is good and best for your family and relationship.

Making a decision to step away from troubles and drama seeking and to act in unity is the very best way I know to ever possibly have any kind of level of relationship with a person who insists on behaving in ways that are harmful. If our stepping back and refusing to engage, our cooled and polite demeanor do not bring about some adjustment in return then in my very humble opinion nothing will. In my own case... words and going toward this kind of behavior only fanned the flames and empowered an emotionally immature out for blood going to win the prize of my DH's love at ANY cost sil.

You are your DH's wife. That is your role and sacred place in all of this. You love and support him and he you in all of the challenges of life. You do not have to deal with any of this directly. You do not have to put up or sift through or try to 'help' her understand that she is damaging your connection when the attempts you have made so far have been unproductive and caused further pain and confusion.

Something we learned late in the game... consistent messages are so important. You are a united front. You do engage in the possible shunning of either of you. If you are not both welcome to see a newborn babe in the family then you don't go until you both are. A simple gift or card sent snail mail if you are not both welcome. Or a simple response that you will see the babe when you all gather next then and move the heck on with your happy life.

When the dates change for gatherings and you are left out of planning refuse to take offense and do what you can, want, and what is best for you if there is a conflict with other plans you have made. Acknowledge it hurts, process it, and let. it. go. I have learned to not give over any piece of my life to anyone who does not love me and is not for me and the success of my family and marriage.

May I be a bit direct... you are not causing hurt to your DH. You are not the responsible for the behaviors of this sil and the inevitable consequences and responses that will come for her in relationship with you and your DH. You are both hurting and I am really sorry that you are.

A really great resource that can be done together with your DH is the book and workbook Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Finding grace filled ways to navigate the labyrinth this dynamic can create in the greater family system is not easy, but you are not alone. Keep coming back and sharing. We are here!

[bloomie]

here I am again...😜

I also want to guard our marriage and be treated with respect.

I love this! So wise to choose to guard your marriage. That you have control over.

And taking this desire to be treated with respect and making it into a core value... which could be something like: I do not have close familial relationships or interactions with those who consistently disrespect me... or, I do not allow myself to be abused... those are some foundational truths you can stand on. I hope this makes sense. Either way... always here, take what helps and leave the rest!

Let us know how you are doing as you are able.

[DesertRose]

DesertRose, this sounds really upsetting. For clarification before I talk with you further, is SIL your husband's sister, or is this is a sister-in-law through some other relationship?

Yes this is my husband's sister. In their family system she definitely has a great deal of power and control and is frequently indulged and he was tasked with looking after her and protecting her when growing up. They went through a lot together and might be "trauma bonded" through having gone through challenges and adversity. She likes to have all of the attention on herself (although she says she hates being the centre of attention) and wants to have him to herself. She will often say "poor me I'm just in the middle" when she strives to cause drama.

[DesertRose]

Bloomie, thank you with all of my heart for your wisdom and replies. I will come back and read some more. You truly do understand. Your advice on guarding our marriage is so good. It has taken DH a while to even see the problem, which made us sitting ducks for SIL's attacks. She would say things to him that were untrue (Eg, "desert rose is making me feel unwelcome in your home") or try to act like I was a villain, like I was the toxic one and she was the innocent "in the middle" as she says. But in reality I was bending over backwards to welcome her and be kind to her. She would study, look for my "buttons" and try to push them. Anything off limits she would go for and then try to make me look bad for being upset. She stole items from our house three different times. Twice she said she merely took them by accident. The third time I did not pursue it bc I did not want the drama. I could go on and on. Each time there was drama, she used it to try to make me look bad and to cause a rift  in my marriage.

Bloomie did your spouse recognise the SIL problems for what they were? How did you work together?