Finding a middle ground, for me and for other people

[Poison Ivy]

My current struggle relates to "stuff management," but I think this might be a more general problem for me. My ex-spouse has hoarding tendencies. My adult children left a lot of their stuff in the family house, which I got in the divorce. I don't buy many things, and I've been trying to declutter the house. I think that, objectively speaking, I'm doing well with decluttering and keeping the house neat and clean. But subjectively, I feel as though there's too much stuff in the house and that I should be doing better and that other people in my extended family are messy and have too much stuff.

So here's the middle ground I'm looking for: accepting the condition of my house, accepting that I don't have to be perfect, and, most important, accepting other people's choices about their homes and stuff.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

[Boat Babe]

I think that you could very easily find a way through this by journalling and perhaps drawing. Some Self Compassion work around the trauma of having lived with hoarding would soothe your emotional disregulation around "stuff". Once you have your aha moment on this issue, you will probably relax around other family member's domestic arrangements.  Good luck with your ongoing decluttering, of your house, mind and heart 😃

[Jolie40]

adult children left a lot of their stuff in the family house
Any suggestions?

time to ask adult children to take their stuff next time they visit

since they're adults, let them deal with their stuff....you shouldn't have to do it

[1footouttadefog]

Therebare many things that might alleviate this to some degree.

Rent a space and move the kids stuff out.

Demand they come and get it or else see a.

Declutter and decorate all but one room or  large closet or half of garage.  Take sacrificial items and cram them into that space and cover with a tarp.

In this way you take control of almost all area, until the belongings are collected.

As to others clutter in extended family homes, not your concern you either spend time there or not its easy.  You just need a boundary that there stuff cannot come to your home.

I ak currently decluttering my soace as I write this.  I  in a seasin of life change and need a reset.  My secind is in collegs and I no longer homeschool so many belongings need homes elsewhere. (So that is one excuse for clutter anyway, Lol) 

[Poison Ivy]

I do have control of almost all the stuff and the areas. The problem is that I get into this perfectionist mindset in which I beat myself up either for owning anything ("I have six plates! I'm a hoarder!") or for being critical of other people for their stuff management ("I'm a bad mom! I let my children buy clothing!"). I'm trying to deal with me, not with the stuff.

[1footouttadefog]

I think there can be alot of strange emotions regarding our belongings. 

I think I have cycled through various phases every few years.

I become oerfectuonistic amd minimalistic at times and at others I want to upscale, upgrade and reorder my things.

Then I feel guilty for being so comsumeristic at other times and want to keeo things to reuse them or recycle them or ......etc etc.

I live well below my means and am low maintenamce in many ways and save alot by doing DIY, repairing appliances   and buying some things used.  But I still cycle through phases.

As I am getting older, and am caring less all the time about what other think, I realize that much of this is inside myself and is likely related to baggage from my past etc.  I try to consider the origins of the emotions and to confront the memories and recorded messages in myself and manage or deap with then and move on.

I am aloud to have either a cluttered place or a minimal place as long as its clean and orderly.  Right nownots a bit cluttered as garden and farm supolies are awaiting better weather.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, 1footouttadefog. Your comments are helpful.

[Pepin]

Something that may be helpful to you..... a number of years ago we moved to a smaller home.  I managed to purge general stuff i.e. kitchen items, bathroom items, books, etc.  But when it came to my kids stuff that I had been hanging onto.....omg.  I was in tears at having to sort through this while they were at school.  And there was so much. 

Instead of me doing all the work and making decisions, I transferred it to them.  The house we sold was nearly empty after the furniture was moved into our new home.  All the stuff that remained that was my kids, we went through on the dining room floor in a massive pile.  Keep, Donate, Toss.  The both of them went through each thing one by one.  And it is amazing what they considered important and what they did not.  After all, it was their stuff.  I transferred this huge weight onto them and they enjoyed it. 

We kept what was left in several plastic containers that fit nicely in our new home under the basement stairs.  It was such a relief.

As a practice, I live by "use it or lose it".  We actually don't have a choice living in a smaller and older home that doesn't have much storage.  Everything we have is out in the open.  If things becomes messy or stuff gets in the way of cleaning, it has to go.  I try very hard to treat my home like it could be for sale at any given moment (minus removing personal possessions and stuff because that would be too sterile.). Living this way helps me have a clear mind and focus on what I need to focus on. 

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you. I want my approach to be the following: likely I won't sell for another 10 years but possible I could have to sell on short notice.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex had hoarding tendencies. I honestly think I have a mild form of PTSD from it.  I also hung in to things "just in case". Now my ex is gone I'm working on myself.  I didn't have much growing up so was very attached to what I did have. That carried over in to adulthood where I had a lot more.

I have been decluttering for a couple of years now and I'm finally at the point where it's simply how I live.  I've found it to be a very iterative process. Some things are easy to get rid of, then I get to the next layer which is harder and i have to work through my issues before i can get rid of that layer.

I ended up with a lot of family things as I am "the responsible one". I also held on to some sentimental things for my ex. It took him years to pick them up. I have come to see that I have no obligation to keep stuff for other people.

My tastes have also changed over the years. Rather than living with what I have I replaced with things that are a reflection of my current taste and circumstances.

If you feel there is too much stuff in your home it's likely because there is too much stuff. There is a lot of emotional "stuff" tied up in physical things. Many people battle to give things away and it triggers others when they see someone decluttering. I learned to do it quietly. I own that I am judgy about how other people live. I don't spend time in certain spaces. I don't make people feel bad about it. I don't mention it at all. If someone asks me about decluttering I will offer to help them but I never volunteer. I know how hard it is to get rid of stuff and people will do it or not when they are ready.

My personal view is that when we look for a middle ground it usually comes at our expense rather than from the other side. My middle ground here is I don't comment on other people's space but I do what I want in mine.

My friend came over and said "wow you have nothing in here". This is simply not true. I live alone and my living room has seating for 5 people, I have a coffee table and a side table. I have a cat scratcher,  plants, lamps, a large mirror and sculpture I like.  She has twice as much seating and also lives alone. Every surface is covered with pipes of books, crafts, ornaments etc. the floor is full of stuff that could live in closets. I can't live like that. She frequently talks about decluttering but doesn't. It's her journey though. I say this just to point out that with decluttering it really is about how you feel in your own space.

I also have no immediate plans to sell but I'd like to be able to pick up and go when I do. When deciding whether to keep something I ask myself if I'd take it with me if I moved across the country. When looking at the "just Incase" stuff i ask if I could easily get it if I needed it. This was a big mindset change for me and I still battle thoughts of being wasteful.

My horn works much better with less stuff in it. It's easier to keep clean, it's a relaxing space and I almost never lose anything. I'm very happy with how I live now.

[1footouttadefog]

Regarding emotiinal stuff I processed regarding things/stuff. At some point I realized mamy of my belongings were not things I especially enjoyed any longer.  They had been nice at a time but no longer fit into my current hobby set or my tates and decor had changed over decades.

I realized I was keeping things out of obligation because I had recieved them as gifts.  It them occured that I dont exoect to habe a life ling right to decorate someone elses home when giving a gift and neither does a giver when I recieve one.  And if they do they are a pd who needs tamed.

Guilt over landfill amd consumerism plays into it as well. Giving to thrifts shops helps here.  Additionally we habe swap sheds at our recycle centers where I live and very little olaced in them does not get taken by someone who wajts or needs it.  This makes it so much easier to let things go and there are actually others being blessed by it.  I certainly have been blessed by finding things wnen I took a peek in the shed amd was able to avoid a purchase and rescue something from a landfill.

Also there were cases where things were representative of times when my life efforts had been sidetracked, sabataged or abandoned.  Its like I was feeling an obligation in some cases or a hope in others cases that I would or could pick back up where I had left off in those endeavors.  Whether a project, a hobby unmastered,  an attempt to repair something, or a book unfinished there were things related and pain involved in getting rid of them.  I had to accept it was okay not to return to these efforts or I was allowed to start entirely afresh if I did choose to start again. 

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself that I kept some piece of junk for so long, and feel a sense of relief that my kids wont have to wonder why I kept it, or the 1-800-got-junk employee or whoever.