Lovely time for a guilt trip (trigger warning: suicide)...

[Cat of the Canals]

I've been away for a while, as my husband and I moved halfway across the country from our FOOs (both with unBPD mothers), which drastically improved things. They have a hard time arguing with a 1300-mile boundary.

My husband's brother committed suicide two weeks ago, which obviously would have been awful no matter what, but they've always been extremely close, and my husband spent the past year trying desperately to help his brother out of a pretty deep depression.

Aside from that, you can imagine how this has thrown all the family stuff into chaos. Quite literally the last message my BIL sent to my husband was a demand that he not allow there to be a funeral, obituary, or headstone, and that he only wanted to be cremated. As if anyone was going to talk their mother out of making an absolute circus out of the entire thing.

In fairness, I think she deserved to do what she needed to do, and if that meant a funeral, so be it. But of course it didn't stop there. She wanted TWO funerals (one in BILs hometown and one in hers, only an hour away... like, what???) and an open casket (which my BIL would have been absolutely horrified by).

Considering the pandemic and the fact that his brother DID NOT WANT a funeral, my husband suggested we wait until spring and, depending on how things are going with covid, maybe the family could get together then for a small memorial service. When it became clear that she wasn't going to relinquish the funeral, he managed to talk her down to a single ceremony, closed casket.

Given everything, my husband was hesitant to attend the funeral. MIL intially said that was OK, but also assured him it would be a small, family-only service (an appeal to the fact that he doesn't like large group functions). Fast forward to her sending us a link to the obituary, which she paid extra to have as the spotlighted obituary (FFS!), and all the funeral and visitation info right there in the newspaper, with NO mention of it being small or family-only.

Aaaaand the obituary mentioned a memorial service in the spring. So I guess she's getting her two funerals after all.

Once it became more and more clear that my husband would not be attending the funeral, out came the flying monkeys. First in the form of a childhood friend my husband hasn't seen or spoken to in 10+ years ("My brother died too, therefore I know what's best for you, and that's for you to come to the funeral.") and then his estranged bio-dad, who he hasn't seen or spoken to in 20+ years ("I feel bad how things went between us and need to fix it!").

Last night, he called his mom, wanting to explain that he's OK. That he's glad she did the funeral if it gave her some peace, but that he doesn't need the same things she does... and of course the first thing out of her mouth is, "When should we do the memorial? I was thinking May." When he said he'd suggested the memorial INSTEAD OF THE FUNERAL HIS BROTHER SPECIFICALLY DIDN'T WANT, she said, "Well, I already told everyone, and I told them you're coming." He told her quite bluntly he wouldn't be attending, and that he doesn't need a bunch of people pressuring him about what's best for him.

"I'm not trying to pressure you, but I really think you need to come. It would be good for you, as a person. And you need to be there to help decide what we do with his ashes."

In the next breath, she's explaining that she and her husband will be buying plots for themselves ("I'm no spring chicken, myself!") and his brother, and they'll be burying the ashes there. Meaning she's already decided, screw what anyone else wants, just like with the funeral.

This is all she ever does. Lying, manipulating, demanding, coercing. The week he dies, my brother-in-law told her that if she didn't stop meddling in his life, he was going to have to stop talking to her altogether. You'd think that would have been some kind of wake-up call, but no.

My husband tried to open up to one friend about all of it, but it was clear he couldn't grasp it. How could he? If you don't have a PD relative, it's like speaking a foreign language. My husband is essentially being asked to sacrifice his own wants and needs to satisfy his abuser (again), while grieving the loss of the only person that had that shared history of coming from this completely batshit family situation. I can't imagine how that must feel.

And I don't really have a big point or anything, other than that I needed to vent somewhere where people would understand. I'm just so sad and so angry and I feel slightly inadequate being the only person my husband can turn to at this point.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry. The things your husband's family are doing are horrible. Please know (and tell him, too, if you feel comfortable doing so) that people on this forum do understand, and we also offer our sympathy because of the great loss he has suffered.

[all4peace]

Cat of the Canals, all of that sounds incredibly sad and frustrating. I'm so sorry for the tragic way your BIL died, and so sorry for how difficult all the family dynamics are making it for you and your husband. I hope in this tough time that you are both able to care for yourselves and each other. Thank you for sharing.

[Cat of the Canals]

Poison Ivy and all4peace, thank you so much. One of the strangest things has been the number of times we've both thought, "Wait until [BIL] hears about this nonsense..." only to realize he never will.

It means a lot to know people like you are out there.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry, Cat! That behavior is absolutely appalling. All about her. So jaw-dropping and so typical. The lack of love from your MIL screams out from every selfish word and action.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your BIL. I pray he will be at peace at that you can your husband can grieve and recover together. I'm so glad you are physically far away now.

Your husband made an excellent point about how he doesn't need the same things his mother does. Good for him on sticking to his guns on not attending a funeral against his brother's wishes and staying the heck away from that dog and pony show. He has every right to put his mother's wants after his own. He lost a brother. She appears to be milking his passing for maximum supply.

[Cat of the Canals]

She appears to be milking his passing for maximum supply.

Thank you, Cordelia. And you're exactly right. She sent us a text with brother's driver's license photo and said, "Beautiful photo." It was a terrible photo (whose DL photo isn't?), but we suspected she was mooning over it because it was maybe the only recent picture she had of him. We sent her a bunch of photographs of him, new and old, and her response was, "Well, I had to submit everything to the funeral home for the memorial video this morning, but thanks anyway."   

My husband said to me, "Is it mean to suggest I thought she might like to have the pictures for herself? Just to look at?"

The same thing happened when we told her that in talking with their old high school/college friends, we discovered that many of them still have art his brother made all the way back then. Initially she was excited and told my husband to tell anyone coming to the funeral to bring it. But BIL had a rather inappropriate sense of humor (one of the things everyone but his mother loved about him) and that was reflected in a lot of his art. As soon as she found that out, she had no interest in even seeing the art, not even for herself. If she can't use it for attention, she's not interested. Which was pretty much how she's always treated her sons, unfortunately.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. Sounds like your poor BIL was never seen by his mother at all. Imagine not knowing what your teenage son's art looked like and not even caring to know.

We have all seen behavior akin to this on here but that is stunningly bad.

One silver lining, which is possibly not something your DH can think about at the moment or even needs too, is that it absolutely proves that his mother's hurtful behaviors have everything to do with her own problems and nothing to do with her son. He need not take anything she says or does personally. In other words, consider the source. She's shown who she is. File that knowledge away for the next time you need to decide how to respond to her.

[Sidney37]

Oh Cat.  I am so sorry this is happening.  I am so sorry to hear about your BIL.  It sounds so incredibly frustrating and stressful.  You are right.  People without PD's have no idea.  They just don't get it.  It's so hard to explain these situations to others without them telling you how they would handle it in their family.  They have no idea.  People here get it.  Unfortunately we are a group of people dealing with many of the same things.  Your husband was absolutely right.  He doesn't need what his mother or anyone else does.  Clearly she needs lots of supply if she is insisting on two funerals. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you again, Cordelia and Sidney37. My husband was just starting to come to terms with it when she started up with this spring memorial nonsense. He's so angry now that he's basically talking about going NC.

[Cat of the Canals]

Turns out the funeral was open casket. I know I shouldn't be surprised that she ignores literally every request of both her sons, but I'm so upset. I'm shaking.

[nanotech]

What  on God's Earth is wrong with that woman? 
Has she no feelings for her deceased son, his wishes?
Has she no empathy for your husband and his wishes?   
Nope.
All about her.
Even the photos. Of no use to her unless they are seen and appreciated at the funeral? Thry should have been precious to her for their own sake.
A death brings out the worst in disordered people. They try but fail to react healthily.

It reminds me of when my UNPDDAD dad tried to arrange an 80th birthday party for my long deceased mum.
This was going to be a big party, held at the same venue as her funeral, 5 years before.

I managed to talk him out of that one by suggesting it wouldn't look appropriate to people outside the family. He didn't want to look bad to anyone outside the family. So then it was cancelled. No suggestion from dad that we as a family might get together in quiet remembrance of mum at his house instead. He wanted the big bash party with balloons and cakes. Just awful.
When he turned 80 he had no less than three parties. All in different months, so that the Nsupply lasted as long as possible.

It's difficult. She may have the memorial. But don't let her bulldoze you both into getting involved in any way. I'm sending hugs Xxxxxxxxx

[Cat of the Canals]

I managed to talk him out of that one by suggesting it wouldn't look appropriate to people outside the family. He didn't want to look bad to anyone outside the family. So then it was cancelled. No suggestion from dad that we as a family might get together in quiet remembrance of mum at his house instead. He wanted the big bash party with balloons and cakes. Just awful.
When he turned 80 he had no less than three parties. All in different months, so that the Nsupply lasted as long as possible.
It's difficult. She may have the memorial. But don't let her bulldoze you both into getting involved in any way. I'm sending hugs Xxxxxxxxx

Thanks, nanotech. Your dad's plan sounds *exactly* like something my MIL would do.

Frankly, I'll be shocked if she doesn't have the memorial, but we are most certainly NOT going. I'm also expecting another smear campaign, as apparently she told everyone we didn't attend the funeral because we were too busy with work. 

And she wonders why neither of her sons ever wanted anything to do with her.

[Leonor]

Hi Cat,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved bil and for the atrocious behavior of your mil.

It is excruciating but inevitable that a tragedy as emotionally charged as your  bil's passing would trigger a major pd flare on your mil's part.

But it is also excruciating to grieve the loss of someone so dear to you and dh. It's safe and necessary for the two of you to carve out the space you need to mourn and process this loss.

Let her do what she needs to do. You and dh do what you need to do.

In the meanwhile, you can just think of your bil and smile, "Yeah, there she goes again, right, bil?"

And wrap yourself in light and warmth and gentleness.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you so so much, Leonor. That was exactly the post I needed to read today. ❤

[Cat of the Canals]

*cue the flying monkey theme music*

Received a card from his stepdad's parents today.

"We are praying that it will work for you to come in the spring."

Seriously. That's the entirety of their message. At this point, I kind of just have to laugh. They took the time to send a card but couldn't even muster a "sorry for your loss" or "if you need to talk" or "you are in our thoughts"????

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. That's so gross and so tone deaf.

"We are praying that it works out for you to come in the spring so the job of caretaking your M can be yours, not ours."

I think that it stands out to you as being so offensive shows that you've grown a lot in your healing. There probably was a time when you would have responded to that string being pulled.