The little things

[Purpleflower]

My husband is such an asshole. I got up early to go get the oil changed in my car and new tires put on. It ended up taking 3 hours. When I was finally able to leave, he sends me a text to call him. He starts interrogating me about why it took so long. He then said I was stupid for letting them take so long. I then withdrew and let him rage on. He said that he values his time more than I value mine. Finally he finishes his rant and we say goodbye. Later when I got to work, he calls to berate me for putting one of his shirts in the laundry. Apparently it is my fault he has nothing to wear (he has a closet full of clothes). Then tells me I am too sensitive when I get upset. Some days I just want to cuss him out.

[1footouttadefog]

He isnusong you as a blame amd a dumping ground for his negative feelings.

This is abusive.  You might find help related to this in the toolbox section of this sitem

[BettyGray]

This sounds awful. Verbal abuse, intimidation, berating, picking fights, gaslighting. Classic abuser behavior. I am worried for you.

Do you envision his behavior changing? Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Is he physically harmful to you or his child? Not that it matters - psychological and verbal abuse are just as horrendous.

You have invested 4 years into the marriage. But you haven’t invested 20 or 30. If you believe he is beyond help or incapable of real change, it might be safer to keep an escape plan in your back pocket. Abusers usually don’t change - they get more brazen.

Unfortunately you are in a very stressful and potentially damaging situation. You will need to proceed with an abundance of caution, do your best to not take the bait, and definitely do not believe the nasty things he projects into you, which are likely just his own insecurities.

What are your dealbreakers? What is over the line? Are you getting positive things out of the marriage? Or is the cycle of abuse in place - abuse, gaslight, love bomb, promise to change, rinse, repeat?

You may be in a lose-lose situation, but you may eventually be forced to choose between your mental health and the marriage. Not to scare you, but you must protect your emotional well-being before it manifests in a physical health problem.