2 Steps Forward & 1 Step Back

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello! It's been quite a long while since I have last posted.

Now, I work at a new job so I no longer have to worry about old, toxic job anymore. [Here is info on previous job here: Feeling peaceful for once at work]. It also comes with better benefits and pay. Everything is much more affordable now.

Apart from that, once again, I have started to cook more, which improves my mood and health! Although, I still need to work on my sleeping and workout schedule.

I made a few excel sheets, one for budgeting and another for routines, but I need to modify it later.

Despite this positive progress being made, I am still having interpersonal issues with partner and in-laws. Feeling tired of tolerating abusive behaviour. I haven't talked to my family in a long time and they haven't reached out to me. We'll only talk now based on business which is fine.

In regards to partner...

His drinking has become a part of contention in our relationship. He goes off and on with drinking and has even done something a bit harder than drinking which I do NOT approve of.

For about 1 month or so, he stopped drinking and everything was rainbows and sunshine(or so I blindly thought). But before that 1 month sobriety, I became fed up with the excessive drinking and belligerent behaviour that I got up and left him for about a week until he reached out to me--apologizing and promising he will quit drinking go to couple's counselling and do whatever it takes to have his family back.

For more background history, here is past posts: Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling In-Laws(this had more links nested inside).

Once again, as mentioned prior, we were doing exceptionally well for a whole month, until he went back to drinking.

First, he had a slip up where he drank while out of town for work, which was last month. He didn't admit it to me until the 2nd day while we were videochatting and "apologized" but said he's not around me and not to worry, he promised he won't drink around me anymore. Okay...fine..


But THEN he drank this weekend and hardly acknowledged my existence, unless it's to show how exasperated he is with me, calling me "annoying" telling me to leave him alone. He rejected any signs of affection shrugged me off. He ignored me on the weekend when I confronted him on using MY money on alcohol when I was trying to save and pay bills---the daycare bill went up due to my change of schedule. Now we're broke again. I trusted him with my card to just use it to pay rent, but he kept buying alcohol. I trusted him because I thought he was OVER this. He was good for a while. His excuse when I called him out? "Well you gave it to me, not my fault". This seems like something a petulant child might say.


Then the next day while he was sober, I mentioned how he acted, he promised not to buy alcohol anymore because it's waste of money. Now he drank yesterday and I was upset, acted rather coldly, gave short answers and said I'd like to be left alone please when he kept pushing for why I was acting like that---but I never ignored him if he asked me questions or needed help in relation to our little one.

Not to mention, first thing when he came home he was negative, which frustrated me. He complained about the house being dirty---especially kitchen, despite me doing all cleaning once again. I'm already overwhelmed with new job and new schedule, I have to wake up VERY early in the morning to drop him and his dad off to work, then drop baby off to daycare. Then right when I get off work, I pick up baby, partner and FiL. It takes up most of my day(14hrs...). Have to go to bed early despite my job starting at later schedule just to cater to him and his dad since we have one car. Since my schedule keeps changing, he said he will now be taking little one to daycare, so that's a bit nice. He said he didn't mean the negativity towards me, but just said in general "we need to keep the house clean". It just sucks to hear that when I've been busy with this new schedule and feel exhausted. I am making an effort too. Been doing all the laundry and cleaning lately, so I took some offense to what he said. He's also quite messy, so I find myself cleaning up after him and our little one quite often.

Anyways, about the the drinking---due to how he was in the past, I do not like to interact much with him when he drinks at all. Since I was rather aloof last night, he got angry with me and we got into an argument. I tried to explain why I did not wish to interact with him and he said pretty much there's not a LOT of things I like about you either but that he deals with it. So me, being curious on what that could be, I press on until he said he HATES how I act like a bitch and have attitude, and how I am always treating him as "the bad guy". Furthermore, I stated how I find it upsetting that he used the excuse of me having "an attitude" to drink. Then he deflected saying "I don't really mean that, I was being stupid at the time".

MULTIPLE TIMES, I have explained that I have mentioned I do not feel comfortable with him drinking, considering how he got physical with me before and broke a window out of rage. He then claims he never said he wouldn't drink, he said he just wouldn't buy it because he's broke. Then he said that I make "excuses" all the time and treat him as bad guy. He also mentioned that he's only drinking "one" beer, but I pointed out he had a shot and that he said he was "faded" and I don't like to talk to him while drunk.

I tried to tell him to put himself in my shoes, what would HE do if I was an alcoholic who hit him and treated him the way he did me? He hesitated for a brief second then he claimed I purposely elbowed him in the face when I did not. Not when being backed against a wall or corner, it's NOT on purpose. I flinched and hit him by accident. Long story short, I don't like anything near my face due to being hit in the face by my mom when I was little and my dad acting like he was going to punch me on a couple of occasions. So anything around my face---my automatic reaction is to defend and flinch. My partner KNOWS this yet kept arguing that I did it on purpose and basically called me a liar, that I MEANT to out hands on him when I don't fight...at all. He thought me apologizing immediately after elbowing is an admission of guilt. It wasn't, because it was BY ACCIDENT. The only time I did anything on purpose was in self defense, I pushed him and had to knee him for backing me in a corner and for him ramming me into a wall and pinning me down. I had no choice.

We blew up pretty bad on each other too during the argument that he said he was going to go take the car to his dad's and stay the night. I rather he not go because then he'll have more access to alcohol...so I tried to calm him down and told him "Why don't we just watch our show and forget about it?". He kept saying "But you have an attitude right now" and "You don't want to be around me" everytime I tried. It was FRUSTRATING as HELL trying to talk him down and him basically putting words in my mouth. I'm trying to make PEACE but he's rejecting it saying I don't want peace. I was so angry I had tears going down my face. I grit my teeth and prevent myself from saying...much worse things that come to mind when he was talking down on me. It felt like he just wanted to call me a bitch and didn't have much of an argument. I explained WHY I am being a "bitch" --because he's drinking!! It became a circular argument. I was confused at one point because he was basically saying I make excuses yet here he was, making excuses for his drinking saying "Well I don't like things about you either". This has NOTHING to do with what I do and do NOT like about him. All I said was I don't feel comfortable being around him while drinking, I feel that I can't trust him based on past experiences. What else am I supposed to say?? Now here's where it gets MORE confusing, he apologized EARLIER in the day when J was acting aloof and said he sees why I was angry, so I chilled out after that, but then he gets angry AGAIN(which I explained prior) like what? So anyways, he settles on going for a walk instead because he doesn't want to lose me again (since I left him last time) and chilled out...by ignoring me and playing videogames.


Before any of this commotion went down, I FINALLY spent some money on myself for once that weekend too since I never have time for self-care and got haircut. We visited drunken FiL that weekend as well...unfortunately... and FiL said "What was the point of the haircut? It looks exactly the same. That was a waste of money". I felt a bit crushed..the one time I finally do something for myself, I have someone turn it to negative experience for me. My hair is curly, and I usually wear it up, so I found the comment odd. My partner defended me at the time Infront of his dad, but afterwards he said he couldn't really tell the difference because of my curly hair and that I'd need to straighten it to me a difference, that just felt crushing too...



We go to couple's counselling currently, but it feels one sided. The counselor person said "don't bring up things that the other person doesn't want to discuss" so I feel pretty much I cannot say anything at all and grit my teeth to keep peace while feeling berated by him.

In the past, when he got violent with me by pushing me, threatening me, and putting his hand on my throat, I talked to family rep who helps new parents with resources about it---she happens to be required by law to report to the CPS and ever since, he said to "be careful" with what I say so we don't lose little one...So, in therapy I don't bring up those specific topics, which is exactly what's bothering me though. Our CPS case is already closed and those topics are of the past, I dont think counsellor would report a past incident if it's already known?


Anyways, this is really starting to hurt more and more each day and I don't think I can take it anymore. I was trying to save money to leave, but he spent it on alcohol. He got fussy when I brought up how he spent the money and he threw his hands up basically going "Who cares? I spent it on rent!!" And "Fine, I'll pay rent myself! Don't ever buy me stuff again! And don't expect me to buy you anything!!"(which he hardly ever buys me things so doesn't bother me, but I specifically told him not to in the past, I don't like material gifts much tbh due to past experiences...).

I feel bad that here I am coming back to the forums with the same problem. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in real life. None of my family members nor I talk unless it's business related, there's many PDs in my family...then my in-laws are another story completely, they're rather toxic too. I don't have any close friends and the people I am friend with aren't therapists anyways, so I don't want to burden them.

My last "friend" was a former coworker who worked at the toxic job I left. She has been harassing me months via text after quitting that job. She used to drag me down and imply I was an "idiot" for the most inane things because I didn't know a dumb English slang word that's NSFW and didn't know what it meant, so she insulted me and said something to the effect of "how do you not know? Did you not take biology in high school?" Despite her being her being highschool drop out and me being college educated. I didn't say anything to her after that and ignored the comment, I didn't want to stop her level.
That former coworker also talked down on me for expressing any frustrations with that last job, and she said she'll probably end up working there forever and how it's such a great job, despite her complaining about it---but apparently I am not allowed to complain and should be thankful. Double-standards.


Sorry this post is rather long winded.


Just had a couple of questions...

I was wondering, how did you guys and gals find more healthy relationships after being surrounding by toxic ones?

What is gaslighting and am I being gaslighted by these people? Not sure if I am using "gaslighting" term correctly or maybe it's just merely boundary crossing and not gaslighting that they're doing.

How long did it take you to heal? Because I feel broken.

How are you doing? Because man...I wish I could be doing better. Tomorrow is always a new day, so I'm going to try and chill out.

I guess to end this on a more positive note, I will be saving money much better and no longer helping my partner with his bills, he needs to take care of it on his own. He said he can do it himself too. He gets mad if I even suggest he pay his own bills or do his own laundry lol. I don't understand...he can tell me what to do(ex. Clean more, cook more, do this do that, you're doing it all wrong, etc etc) but I can't just advise him to take care of his OWN issues. I'm not a housewife, I work and handle all of our bills.

It sucks, because we were planning our future but man does it look bleak right now... I'll stop ranting right there. It's very early in the morning and I can't sleep.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I'm so sorry Befuddled this all sounds so hard. And very lonely. Glad you wrote here though.

It also just sounds like all the avenues you could use to talk about it (couples therapy, personal therapy, etc.) are all somehow cut off to you! I would feel bottled up and frustrated. Not only that, sounds like your partner sabotages a lot of things, no matter how hard you fight. He needs to grow the F up!

I haven't dealt with things quite like yours before (re: physical violence). But I want you to know that I think you're very, very strong. But not just that, I think you deserve to have people in your life pick up the slack and support you - and not have you shoulder it all your own just because you can!

I don't judge you at all for coming back to the forum with the same problems. What else is this forum for?

Maybe if you're saving up money to leave, put that money somewhere he can't access it. Open an account he can't access, or stow some cash somewhere. Anyplace he can't touch. Start from scratch again. Don't give up. If partner gets mad about bills or this or that and rages, let him rage but don't give in.

And regarding his rages: my guess is that he gets physical the more insistent you get. It's his last resort to get you afraid and to back down. But he puts the pressure on "you" regarding the CPS and keeping your kid - do you think you could call his bluff? Say you'll contact the CPS and tell them about his putting hands on you if he does it again? Is it a bluff do you think, would he care of your kid gets taken away? Maybe that could put an end to that, even for a short period of time for you to draw up the physical boundaries while helping you speed up the time it takes to save up money making him pay his bills.

I'd answer your questions but I'm honestly in similar shoes as you navigating toxic relationships and my co-dependency issues, and whatnot. I feel broken sometimes too. Even on some levels with my own partner re: codependency. He is in the process of learning how to take better care of himself and derive his own self esteem from himself and not me (having me do all the caretaking, taking lead on finances/house work, having extremely high sex drive while my libido is practically nothing while grieving, etc.) but boy does my stepping back to take more care of myself really rock the boat. It can really throw you back on yourself, and it feels very, very hard to stick to your guns without letting guilt take over.

To answer your gaslighting question though: yes I see lots of gaslighting here! Mostly in the form of deflecting, projecting, and blaming. And making out that you are the problem, not him, and twisting reality. The way I see it, you're carrying the weight of almost everything, and he is throwing a fit when you're just trying to get him to pull his own. If he is an adult playing videogames then he DEFINITELY has time to clean the house, figure out bills, and get sobriety help. When he says "you're full of excuses" that sounds like a projection to me - he's full of excuses for why he can't be a better partner!

Again I'm sorry youre going through this. You're not alone. The forum has got your back 

[BefuddledClarity]

I appreciate your response.

I will be leaving my partner soon, he hasn't been good to me at all. Just today, while sober, he called me a "bitch" and told me to go "suck a dick"---all because I told him I was busy with work and he wasn't watching our son and I had to.

I reached out to my partner's sister, and she wasn't very warm or receptive to me with support. I guess it wasn't genuine. She basically said she's tired of hearing about it and just do it already. I took her off my emergency contacts after that and replaced it with my aunt, who I randomly reached out to and she was understanding.

I'm done talking to anyone in my partners family, they are all dysfunctional and try to control our lives. I don't want to live in their shadows anymore.

He's not physical with me anymore, because he knows I'll report him and I'm more serious now.

Thank you once again for your response.