The final straw.

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband hit his breaking point last night with unPDmil. She kept pushing him about this memorial for his brother and he tried - again - to explain that he wasn't going and why. And we all know what happens when a PD doesn't get what they want.

She tried her Queen hat on: "This is beyond the pale! I can not BELIEVE you think you can just not come!"

When that didn't work, she changed to Waif: "The entire last year of your brother's life, I never heard his voice because he wouldn't call. He'd only text."

(This is an outright exaggeration because they saw each other in person at least 4-5 times just the week he died, and there were other visits in there as well.)

Everything he said, she responded with outright denial. "No. That isn't true."

Things got ugly enough that my husband ended up recounting several incidents of outright abuse from his childhood. Oddly enough, she didn't even bother denying that. The best she could offer was, "You weren't nine, you were ten, and I apologized."  (Mom of the Year, everyone!  )

Since she couldn't deny the abuse, she just waifed harder. He has no idea what she has to put up with dealing with her own MIL. (How is this his problem?) She can count on one hand the number of times her brother has visited her. (AGAIN HOW IS THIS MY HUSBAND'S PROBLEM!?!!?) He wouldn't let her throw a graduation party when he finished high school. (????????)

By the end of the conversation, she was threatening to discard him. "There's nothing I want from you. I guess I'll just be the woman with the dead son and the estranged son."



He was pretty upset at first. He kept saying he wished he would have at least put all of this off for another few months, and that it just makes him feel worse that this happened so soon after his brother's death. And he was a bit worried about the potential (and very likely) smear campaign that will occur, which surprised me because he generally does not give a flying eff what anyone thinks.

But after sleeping on it, he feels more like this was inevitable (which is my opinion as well. She was never going to accept him not coming to the memorial. That's why she backed him into a corner in the first place). He has no regrets about WHAT he said, as it was only the truth.

Today he's repeatedly said that if this is what ends up giving him the emotional distance and freedom he's always wanted from her, then so be it. I'm proud of him, and I would love for this to be the end of it all, but I have my doubts.

If the last blow-up with my mother is any indication, I suspect he's in for a round of Silent Treatment, and then possibly some flying monkey activity once she waifs around to whoever will listen. The problem is she has no friends. Her only real family is her daughter, her husband, and her in-laws. The flying monkeys she enlisted to try to guilt him into going to the funeral were already swatted away, so she's running low as it is.

I just don't think she'll truly discard him. She has so few people to get resources from, and she already permanently lost one of those so recently I don't think she'll give one up so easily. I think she'll try her damnedest to guilt my husband into giving into her whims. And if that doesn't work (and it won't), she'll probably come a-hoovering. And *that* might work.

[bloomie]

Cat of the Canals - my heart just goes out to you both as you are still in the fresh waves of grief. I wish so hard this is not what either of you were dealing with. I am thankful your DH was able to stand strong and hold to doing what is right and best for him.

I am so glad you shared. Please know you are not alone in finding pain upon pain when dealing with loss. Sending you both much strength as you process this latest crazy making interaction.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Cat I'm so on behalf of you and your DH. It's so unfair, grief on top of grief. 

"There's nothing I want from you. I guess I'll just be the woman with the dead son and the estranged son."

And you might want to think real hard about why that is, lady. But you'd rather be the woman with the dead son and the estranged son before you even come anywhere near honest self-reflection. 

You and DH have remarkable clarity and presence of mind in the midst of grief. I'm seriously impressed with how he stuck to his truth in the midst of all the word salad and lies. It seems to me was desperate and tried every weapon she could think of.

My own in-laws do the extended ST followed by hoovering, too. It has helped us so much to keep clear records, and be very clear on what needs to happen before we even think about adjusting the boundaries with our FOC. When the hoovering comes, it's not a surprise and we greet it with a detached attitude. It's expected and this looses much of its power. It's another pattern born of the same old dysfunction. I too doubt they will ever truly discard DH. And he persists in reading stuff from them, which now comes regularly, after six months of blessed silence. I have not engaged for 2-3 years now. But at least our boundaries are clear and he can see that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

If your DH is at this point, and this is the behavior you can expect, your MIL is only going to dig herself into a deeper hole. DH may not be truly done yet, but in my opinion he's crossed the event horizon and things will never be like they were.

[Cat of the Canals]

And you might want to think real hard about why that is, lady.

My husband kept saying this exact thing. And what you said about it being the event horizon I think is absolutely true as well. One of the things he said was, "She is so much worse than we imagined." (We have, in the past, wondered if one or both of our mothers are only mild BPD. But I had an epiphany more recently that they only seem mild because we've already limited contact so much. The behavior they display in moments like this and to our siblings who are more enmeshed is anything but mild.)

The hole of denial she dug instead of offering even a shred of empathy did permanent damage, in my opinion. He was originally talking about going back to LC and just gray rocking from here on out, but now he says he doesn't think he can do that.

Last night, exactly 24 hours after the original call, she sent a text. A fauxpology along the lines of "I'm sorry I got so angry. We are obviously both very distressed after this unfathomable loss."

I suspect she went around to the few people she has to talk to, and they politely reminded her, "HIS. BROTHER. JUST. DIED." She didn't get to play the ultimate waif game, so she had to change course.

Of course, neither of us are naive enough to think she's truly come to her senses. He pointed out that this was WAY too quick of a turnaround for what was said.

Then I realized that OF COURSE she has to try to mend this fence as quickly as possible, because the clock is ticking on this whole spring memorial thing. He thinks it's a bigger rug-sweeping maneuver, i.e. letting him off the hook for all the "terrible" things he said and moving on so that she can go back to dumping obligation after obligation on him, which has been the entirety of their relationship. I think we're both right.

Anyway, he hasn't responded so far. The phone call last time was the result of her baiting him with an innocent text about the weather and then calling him the second he texted back. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd hoped she could pull the same thing last night and get him to either recant everything or have another argument. She does love a good fight.

We're approaching 24 hours since she texted. She doesn't take even short bouts of NC very well, so I'm curious if she'll try again tonight. I'll be surprised if she makes it through tomorrow without instigating something further.

Thank you, Bloomie and CMC. As always, your understanding and compassion bring such a sense of relief. My husband reached out to a friend, and his comments were along the lines of, "She'll come around though..." I know he meant well, but anyone inexperienced with PD just can't seem to grasp any of it.

[Leonor]

Hi Cat!

Your mil sounds just like my m.

I am, and have been for over ten healing years, a "lost daughter".



I also had a phone blow-up with my m. a year or so before I disengaged, and I also received a fauxpology (in a grocery store bought card) that said something about how we can "really get heated with one another", like haha isn't this just our way.

Um, no.



She also says stuff that seems weirdly insincere. Like when your mil uses phrases like "this unfathomable loss" when talking to her son about his brother's passing.

It's like something she read somewhere, and it sounds really, like profound and meaningful, so she's going to co-opt it and use it sometime to sound, like, really profound and meaningful.

She may discard (mine did) but most pd mom's are way too enmeshed to let go, especially if they have no friends to act distressed to.

But here's the thing: you don't have to wait around for her to get it (she won't) or to walk away (she probably won't). Besides, discards are just loooong silent treatments. As soon as she needs something from dh, she'll be back

It is up to you and dh, together or separately, to decide how much of the drama and histrionics and abuse, frankly, that you are willing to endure.
As long as you're hoping for anything from her, whether an apology or an acceptance or a total rejection, she's running her agenda. She's in control. And you are giving her "exactly* what she wants.

She doesn't have the emotional capacity to grieve her son or empathize with your dh. She doesn't care if the drama is a big fancy service or a big noisy argument. It's all drama, and it's all about her, and it's all supply for her narcissism.

If you speak to her to speak your truth, to hear it said aloud, and to hear it echo in your own heart, to recognize your own right to a self, to honor your wounded child, to stand in your own adult and empower yourself, then speak, yell, preach, weep.

But if you're speaking to explain, to connect, to persuade, to scold ... You're dis-empowering yourself, because you are begging your mil to be nice to you, which she interprets as an invitation to abuse you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved bil, and for the abuse and manipulation of your mil.

I'm happy to read that you and dh are coming to a point of greater clarity with her. It is a long and painful, bumpy and messy journey. But the view once you reach your destination of self love, compassion, clarity and peace, is really beautiful.

[Cat of the Canals]

She also says stuff that seems weirdly insincere. Like when your mil uses phrases like "this unfathomable loss" when talking to her son about his brother's passing.

It's like something she read somewhere, and it sounds really, like profound and meaningful, so she's going to co-opt it and use it sometime to sound, like, really profound and meaningful.

YES. As I typed it out here, I thought, "Who talks like that?" She certainly doesn't.

Then I was instantly reminded of the last time, years ago, when he wasn't taking her calls or responding to texts because he knew as soon as he did, she was going to try to demand a visit. So after a few texts that failed to bait him, she sent one that said, "What have I done, Mr. Cat, that you do not answer my text?"

Aside from the fact that she suddenly sounds like an English professor, I love how insincere it is. She's not actually concerned that he's offended or hurt by something. If she was, she'd ask if something was wrong. Instead, she just goes straight to waif, implying that there certainly isn't anything she could have done to receive such poor treatment.  Give me a break.

It dawned on me this morning that another reason for her "apology" is that now she can use that as fresh ammunition. Especially if her attempts to boohoo to her few minions didn't work the first time around. Now she can go tell them how she APOLOGIZED but he's IGNORING HER and he's SO MEAN.

But if you're speaking to explain, to connect, to persuade, to scold ... You're dis-empowering yourself, because you are begging your mil to be nice to you, which she interprets as an invitation to abuse you.

This is what I'd been trying to tell my husband, but I think he had to go through it one last time to finally see how pointless it is. I hope for his sake that this is truly it, because I hate what she does to him.

I pretty much wrote off any relationship with her a few years ago. What we had was paper thin anyway, and once I started coming to terms with my own mother's PD, dealing with someone else's was a big fat NO THANK YOU.

Thank you again for listening!
❤️

[Cat of the Canals]

MIL sent a text this morning. "Found this while dusting." And then a bunch of photos of a card that one of our and BIL's old friends brought to the funeral, including the envelope addressed to "Mr. Cat, Cat, and Family."

She is so bizarre. On the one hand, if she had a card for us, why wait an entire month after the funeral to let us know? And also, the "found while dusting" line is like... you didn't unearth an ancient relic. This card was given to you FOUR WEEKS AGO.

She's got her own flavor of BPD going on, so I often struggle to see her endgame. The only thing I can come up with is that she is trying to guilt him about not going to the funeral when there were people that came for him and/or "look, someone brought a card for you, and I'm not going to give it to you."

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. Yeah, withholding behavior and devaluation (it wasn't important enough to put in the mail), guilt tripping. Also dangling the carrot of love. Is that a term? It should be. Multiple photos of a card? Please. The message I see is: You can have love and caring, but only by doing what I want. The lag time might also be to sabotage your relationship with the giver. If you were to acknowledge the card, perhaps the delay would make things awkward for you.

NB, I don't think it would be odd to be slow in responding at all under the circumstances, even without MIL games. But those in my life who lack empathy have expected a response from me yesterday, regardless of what was going on in my life. For example, my DH's uNPD aunts made hay of the fact that I wrote thank you notes for my wedding shower, mailed them promptly, but the aunt who hosted the shower received her card a whole day later than the others. Disordered people love to create drama from tokens of affection.

Anyway, I share all this in the spirit of naming the behavior taking away its power, and saying what I see in the spirit of no you are not crazy! But whatever the explanation, as Forrest Gump's momma would say, "Sometimes people do things that, well, just don't make no sense."

[Cat of the Canals]

Thanks, Cordelia. Everything she's done to try to pull him back in since his brother died has only pushed him farther and farther away. It's been eye-opening to realize how shallow her attempts at connecting to people are.