Balance and boundaries

[athene1399]

I wasn't sure what section to post this in, but since it's something that I need to work on I thought it would fit here.

The back story is I have been SM to SD20 for the last six years. She admitted last winter to coming Out of the FOG in regards to BPD BM and talked about how BM would manipulate and verbally abuse her. She apologized for how she treated me and SO (her dad) in the past. Often she would make plans with us and then cancel last minute to stay with BM. Sometimes SD would say mean things to SO. We kind of said don't worry, you didn't know. And things were good for a while.

It started when SD started taking to BM this fall. SD said she is using boundaries, but now she is making plans with us and canceling last minute to stay with BM again. I can't go though this again and want to have a conversation with SD about my feelings being hurt, but am afraid that is manipulative on my end.

But I was considering asking SD how she would feel if a friend canceled plans last minute to see/stay with someone else. And basically say to SD "if you can't say no to other people after making plans with us, then don't make plans with us. Just come over when you can but don't expect us to always be available if it wasn't planned."

Any advice is appreciated. I just don't know how to best start making this boundary of "please stop canceling on us last minute because you can't say no to BM".

[Penny Lane]

I think that you are allowed to set boundaries even with your own kids, and in fact I think that's modeling healthy boundaries.

What are you OK with and what aren't you OK with? She's gonna do what she's gonna do. If she were a friend, would you stop making plans with someone who cancels all the time? Would you only make plans where you can proceed without her if she does cancel? Would you make less frequent plans and ask her to make it more of a point to show up? Like a special event once a month rather than popping by for dinner several times a week.

Obviously with your own stepdaughter you're not going to stop making plans with her altogether. But I think your script is good, although maybe you could massage it a little. Like maybe "You've canceled the last three plans you've made with us. It seems like you're not taking plans as seriously as we do, so we're not going to hold a spot open on our calendars. You are always welcome at our house and we love you, but we're going to continue with our own lives when you're not around. If you really need us to be there, let us know, but I'd actually prefer that you not try to make plans that you're not 100% sure you're going to keep - I'd rather you just pop by when you're available." Something like that. I think you can make it clear that you're disappointed without even mentioning her mom or dwelling on the disappointment, but rather focusing on what you do want her to do.

The journey Out of the FOG is not a linear one. We've had some recent backtracking with DSS that is very hard to watch. I have to remind myself that this is part of his healing journey, he is doing what he needs to do, and that this doesn't mean that all our hard work is wasted.

As you reach this new stage in the parenting relationship, it resets in many ways anyway. And I think that you setting boundaries with her is actually a helpful thing; you're treating her like the adult she is while still offering her the unconditional love and stability that a young person needs from a parent.

[athene1399]

Thank you! This is all very helpful. It's been difficult because I thought things would be different. I also think it's bringing up a lot of the past that I thought I moved on from but I guess I didn't. I do struggle with boundaries and have been strengthening them with my FOO, but this is a different dynamic. Thank you!

[athene1399]

Does anyone else struggle with boundaries? I notice they are easier to implement with friends instead of family. Does anyone else see this pattern? And how do you work on that?