Understand to forgive? Or give an excuse?

[Mabo]

Hey, guys

I'm new here. I will try to describe my situation in short.

So I was married with an addict. Stayed for long, stood a lot of bs. Then he went to the rehab to get his treatment and I thought thing would change. He did at first change for better, but then suddenly started to ignore. After 7 months of his rehab treatment he came home and asked for divorce, explaining that by saying that I am his impotence and he needed to save his life, couldn't be in relationship and has dependent personality disorder and thus depends on me and can't find his own happiness.

I tried for a while, he showed no interest - so I moved out to my newly rented apt. He never texted or called (I am a foreigner in his country I only came here for him) to ask if I was doing all right. Fast forward 2 months I found out he is in secret relationship with his own psychologist from the rehab. (4 months had passed since he asked for divorce by that time and he didn't do anything)

After a while I told him that I know everything and he should finally do what he said he will do. So he ran and organized the divorce.
When we went to sign the papers he victimized himself a lot, saying his family doesn't support him and blah blah. He even cried.... just pittying himself. He said that they diagnosed him with 3 PD: dependent, boardline and avoidant. Pretty damn crazy though if that's true.

So, now I'll cut to the point: it's been 7 months since his decision to the divorce being final. I have 0 contact with him whatsoever, but it's still pretty darn hard. I know I dodged the bulge there, and many people said it's better this way. It's good he was the one to leave cuz I had problems to do it on my own. But I still can't let it go for good.
I want to forgive that person and let him go from my mind, so I watch all these videos about PD, trying to understand. But at the same time I catch myself thinking am I not trying to find an excuse for all the bs he has done?!

[square]

You are divorced and NC. You are not looking to excuse his behavior so you can stay in a dysfunctional rut. I think you can cut yourself a break in this case. If you were still in the relationship, it would be a question worth exploring.

Here are some reasons that might be motivating you? And it can be multiple reasons - you are a complex human being after all.

- To process the very confusing thing that happened to you, so that you can move on.

- To forgive him, so you can move on from anger and negative feelings. (Forgiveness is for you and not for him).

- To learn from the experience so you don't have a similar experience in the future.

- To grow as a person, to work through some of your own issues, understand other difficult relationships, be better with boundaries, both to protect yourself and be a better friend to others.