Hit My Snapping Point

[completelyperdue]

Hello Everyone,

I've been MC/grey rock with my uNPDmom now for about two years since she started dating some guy I did not trust after my father's death. Basically, guy is using a fake name and claiming a bunch of outrageous stuff about himself. There have been a lot of lies during this time as I have questioned every ridiculous thing that I have been told about this guy.
My eGrandma passed away a couple of months ago, and BF moved in very quickly after that. My mom is due to inherit a lot of money and property for my eGrandma's estate, and I decided to hire a détective privé (trying to avoid any google searching she might do) to figure out who this guy really is out of concern for my mom.
Come to find out, BF has a lot of convictions in my state and appears to be a professional romance scammer.
I had the DP anonymously give the information to my mom and myself to avoid suspicion. She at first took the information as legit until BF turned her mind around and made it a case of mistaken identity. I told her no that there is a lot of information here that proves beyond a doubt who this guy really is.
Then he basically flipped his poo and said he was going to sue the PI, and then apparently, with my mom backing him up, that he was going to sue me for harassment and call the police since I was stirring up trouble. He also called the DP and threatened to sue him, which the DP was like," Okay, bring it," since if he really did pull a lawsuit that he would have to prove who he really is.
At the end of that conversation, I told her that we are done and that I don't want to hear about BF ever again. I now know that the lawsuit was an empty threat since he now knows he's been busted and is panicking, which I should I have stood up to him but I was just done with the whole situation at this point.
Anyways, the thought of my own mom being cool with her BF threatening to sue her kid for finding out information about him has pretty much pushed me to my edge. There have been many a post that I have made here where people have told me that they would have gone NC with my mom a long time ago, but I don't know why it has taken me to this point to finally get to that point. 
I've blocked my mom's number for right now, and I feel okay with going NC. Not sure if this is a permanent thing or not, but I really can't take it anymore.
Not sure if anyone else has had to deal with a situation like this, but I'm glad to find some support here and to not be alone.

Thanks!

[bloomie]

completelyperdue - hi there. Glad you are back for support with this latest turn of events.

The ironic phrase "no good deed goes unpunished..." (author unknown) came immediately to my mind when I was reading through your attempts to try and protect your mother backfiring on you so profoundly and painfully.

It is good to take a giant step back and figure out what you want and what is best for you. I think we each have a different threshold for what we can handle and when the lightbulb moment happens that illuminates so much ugliness we simply must step away.

Your mother has now knowingly put herself at great risk of being conned by a pro and sadly, she is unwilling to even consider it. That is very sad and you can know that you did what you could to protect her. Much more than many would've done.

How are you doing today?

[completelyperdue]

Hi Bloomie!

Thanks for checking in with me.

I'm doing alright actually. I've done quite a bit of self-care over the weekend that has helped distract me and calm me back down.

Well, after reflecting upon everything that happened, I do feel okay with how everything went down.

I knew I was taking a chance with hiring the DP that things might backfire and my GC sister, who I am very close to despite my uNPDm's attempts to triangulate us, also was concerned things would go down with this way. I recognize now that I always still try to see the best in people despite their very glaring faults, and that includes those that I know who clearly have PD issues. I was hoping, as I have hoped with my inner child for a very long time now, that my mom would finally snap the f$^%&# out of it and recognize what she has in her family members. My inner child and I though have a session with my T this week, and we will be working on how real mothers do not let jerks like this threaten us and that uNPDm is clearly not a real mother.

This has taught me a valuable lesson in that regard that no matter what I try to do to help save someone with NPD or any PD from themselves that it will never work out the way that I will intended to work out. However, now I have other family members that are very aware about the BF and that there is something clearly very wrong with my mom for buying into this idea of mistaken identity. It gives me a lot of comfort to know that I now have backup in this situation where before I felt that I have had no support at all since eGrandma was the matriarch and approved of the BF despite my misgivings and warnings. I hope that someday that I will have the chance to reveal to them that my mom really is uNPD with a smattering of HPD to boot, but that will probably come with time and depending upon how this situation will roll out.

My aunt did call me today to check in on me, and she told me how my uNPDm was trying to convince my uncle that this is still all a case of mistaken identity and that nothing is going to happen to the BF.  My uncle basically reiterated his concern to my uNPDm, since that it is his sister, that at some point there might be police that will come knocking. She said that the cops supposedly cannot do anything since it is all a mistake and she's just fine with the BF.  He then told her that the police can still make him prove his real identity if there really is an issue. She did not seem to heed my uncle's warnings that this really will happen and was way more concerned by trying to convince her brother that her fantasy of this being a mistake without solid evidence is true.

Then she said that the BF is hiring supposedly the most high-priced and powerful attorney in my state that other lawyers go to for questions, and he's going to sue the DP and find out who hired him so he can sue them too. The funny thing is that she also said he was broke but still managed to retain a high-priced attorney.  I don't get it either, but I know from talking to the DP that he's going to stand his ground and if a lawsuit really does come up that his going to petition the court to make BF prove his identity beyond a shadow of a doubt. The BF would have to be a really, really stupid criminal with a very bad and desperate lawyer to make the lawsuit actually go to court, so I am not so much worried about that happening anymore.

Still a little worried about my personal safety since my mom has my current address  , but I am moving here very soon and have 0 intentions of telling her where I am moving to. I already have a PO Box since escaping my ex-uNPD/OCPD/ASPDh, so any mail that she wishes to send to me will just go there to be promptly ignored.

My uncle did tell my aunt that he is thinking, which I agree with him, that this guy is probably going to take money from my mom for "attorney's fees" and then just disappear one day never to return. In the end, that would be for the best, but there has been a lot of damage done in my relationship since this blew up with my uNPDm that I don't think will ever be repairable at this point.  It is sad, but I honestly think it really is for the best because she is okay with putting her child in harm's way just so she can have her narcissistic supply. No parent who truly loves their child would ever do such a thing, but I know that for those with NPD there is no love: only supply and where can they get it.

My aunt did agree with me that the BF threatening me and my uNPDm being okay with it as not cool at all. She said that if anyone ever threatened her kids that the relationship would have been over with then and there, and I told her that I would be the same way if I had kids. I know that my uNPDm is cool with it because she's fiercely defending her narcissistic supply that has been threatened by some hardcore reality, and this jerk, to put it mildly, is also enabling this fantasy world where he isn't who he says he is. He definitely has her good, but I know that will not be for much longer since he's been found out and is more than likely creating an exit strategy.

I know in the end though that I did more than probably what most people who deal with PD loved ones would do in this case, and I have done absolutely everything that I could to get her to realize the very real and potential danger that she is in. I honestly do hope that he just bails on her one day, never to return, but I now am not going to hope that she will learn a lesson from it. My uNPDm won't because she will probably blame the police, the DP, or even myself for possibly falsely accusing BF of being someone else, and it might have to take detectives or possibly federal agents to sit her down and show her mugshots, records, and other victims to maybe come to the very hard reality that this guy is a crook. And even then she won't believe it because it will hurt her ego to the core to admit that she's been duped and that her family has been right all along.

I do feel comfortable in going NC for now. This is the first Sunday in a very long time that I have not been dreading that check-in call from her since her number has been blocked. I told my aunt that I'm not going to be in touch with my mom for a while, but I did not state what "a while" means for me.  My aunt, bless her, has said that we shouldn't abandon her because she's family.

For myself, what I am doing by going NC is not abandonment. This is for finally protecting myself from all of the craziness that my uNPDm has dished out over the years to me since I'm the SG child and that I have allowed this to go on for way too long just because of that societal notion of," She's your mother..." I can no longer take the lies, gaslighting and abuse from her and the people who she has in her life that are enabling her behavior. This time, it really is her little red wagon, and she is probably going to be pulling it to either the poorhouse or jail because of this guy, and all my family and I can really do is say to her that we tried to warn her.

Anyways, sorry for the very long answer to your very short question, but I have had the need to get things off of my chest for the past couple days.

Thank you for checking in with me and reading this.