First Crush after three years of No Dating

[Sapling]

I have unexpectedly developed a crush on a coworker. I started a contract job 4 months ago to make ends meet during covid after I lost my regular job. The new workplace is a pretty disorganised department but there are a lot of good people there who are very supportive (as they are aware of the department's problems). This person has also been so kind and supportive towards me, and while I was grateful for their support I didn't expect any sort of feelings to develop. They come across kind, funny, empathetic and intelligent. But I don't know them outside of work.

It has been 3 years since I dated anyone or even felt anything for anyone because my last relationship was 10 months with someone who I think may have been uN or uBPD (hard to tell). They did things that I only now have language for, as a result of finding this forum: mainly future faking, love bombing, creating conflict then smoothing it out then creating conflict all over again (the roller-coaster of trauma bonding), and the Narcissitic discard at the end, ghosting me after we grew so close and after meeting my friends and family. They also clearly went into denial about why we broke up and tried to contact me after 2 months of ghosting me, as if nothing had happened. I was really in love and after the shock of being treated like this, my feelings basically went dead for other people. I went into therapy, read a lot of books, worked on my career, and  was determined to stay single until I felt better about myself and have more clarity around what happened. I grieved the relationship and I still believe I am grieving it and still, at some level, recovering from the shock.

I am trying to tell myself, right now, that it is completely ok and normal to have a crush on someone. I do not need to act on it or panic. But I am scared, because the last time I liked someone it led to such hurt and such heartbreak (and humiliation, if I'm honest) and I blamed myself in the beginning as well. So, I feel equal parts relieved (because I can feel something for someone again, so maybe that means I've healed a little) but also afraid because I fear I will make another bad judgement call on someone. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep reassuring myself that it is ok to have these feelings.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this?

[Frankie14]

It is absolutely 100% okay to have a crush!

Enjoy the crush...its a good step in the right direction...you know the signs to look out for should this proceed from crush to relationship.

Finding a crush, something to look forward to, someone to look forward to seeing, especially after this horrific covid year is a good thing...

Don't worry about the later; focus on how you feel now...

Everyone of us here has been thru what you describe above in your past relationship; and some of us stupidly married and had kids with these future fakers, etc...(15 years later and I'm still waiting for our 2nd home my PDH was supposed to buy us) when we married and he MOVED into MY home (not paying a dollar for it or to contribute to it, as he said he was saving for our 2nd home), all total BS...he actually quit his job as soon as we married and he moved into my home, to 'start a one man consult' business from my guest bedroom because his boss was a jerk..he needed to work alone with no schedule or demands on his time .  PDH made $0 for many years living off me and he went bankrupt racking up debt....anyway; future fakers...are VERY common and the good news is you got out of your relationship b/c he destroyed you financially, as well as personally...

Long and the short; enjoy your crush, spring is in the air...life is short...don't worry about the later...trust yourself.

[pianissimo]

I think that regardless of the issues of the other person, knowing what you want from a relationship helps. Until recently, I wasn't aware that trauma from my childhood set the pace of my relationships. It triggers such a strong positive feeling that I myself rushed the pace of my relationships in a way that didn't suit me. There came a point I had to admit to myself that I have to take things slowly and in a way that makes sense to me no matter how strong my feelings are. Though, I still fear it affects the way I do other things in my life.  So I empathize with your hesitation. I try to not dismiss my fears and hesitations, and write things down, sometimes on a paper and sometimes here.

[Sapling]

Thank you so much Frankie14 for affirming that this is ok. It's just so scary to have any sort of feelings again after what happened with my ex because I was so naive about PD behavior at the time and the whole thing shocked me out of dating. I'm not even thinking about relationships rn but just having the crush feels scary. And it's been a long time since I have allowed myself to even look at people in this way. It would still take a lot for me to trust someone again because of everything that happened.

pianissimo, thank you for sharing your experience on here. I have also rushed into relationships in the past and I think it was because I was driven more by insecurity and a lifelong yearning for acceptance (that I never got at home). I think I found to hard to take things slow. I am still trying to dig myself out of a financial hole created by Covid-19 so I am certainly in no frame of mind to date and I have other priorities at the moment. But These feelings have really taken me by surprise and I am doing what you do- writing it down in my journal and on here. I hope that will help.

Thank you both for your thoughts and understanding.

[JustKeepTrying]

Congratulations on a semi-return to normal!  You now know you can feel things romantically for another person.  And you know to listen to yourself and take it a pace that works for you!  Not to mention reaching out to check yourself - all so cool and inspiring.

I reconnected with a college friend (my xOCPDh hated my college friends) and we began texting daily.  I was six months post divorce and started to develop feelings for him.  Of course in the middle of a pandemic, nothing happened.  We still text daily and occasionally chat.  And those feelings have diminished.  BUT, I never thought after 32 years of marriage and all the abuse, I would ever feel anything.  Ever.  Truly can't emphasize I thought it was dead for me.

Now I'm not looking or even considering a relationship with anyone, but it is nice to know that I can.  Maybe.  Someday.

[Sapling]

Congratulations on a semi-return to normal!  You now know you can feel things romantically for another person.  And you know to listen to yourself and take it a pace that works for you!  Not to mention reaching out to check yourself - all so cool and inspiring.

I reconnected with a college friend (my xOCPDh hated my college friends) and we began texting daily.  I was six months post divorce and started to develop feelings for him.  Of course in the middle of a pandemic, nothing happened.  We still text daily and occasionally chat.  And those feelings have diminished.  BUT, I never thought after 32 years of marriage and all the abuse, I would ever feel anything.  Ever.  Truly can't emphasize I thought it was dead for me.

Now I'm not looking or even considering a relationship with anyone, but it is nice to know that I can.  Maybe.  Someday.

Thank you JustKeepTrying. I really appreciate you saying that. I'm so happy for you too! I think there is something so encouraging about knowing that PDs cannot take away our human longings. I find comfort in that.