Guilt

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hey everyone. I'm just over one month out! In some ways it feels longer. I can't believe I ever lived that life with pdH. Every day since I have left has felt like a holiday. I am sleeping better, laughing more, feeling more present for my kids. I've realised I was in a sort of depressed stupor for much of the last few years. It's like my brain has woken up again.

But tonight I had a blip, got lured into a phone call with stbxpdH.. he was moaning for an hour about how much he loves me, wants to 'save our family', he never wanted any of this... and now I feel weird, guilty I suppose?!

There was never physical abuse, and in some ways he was not as bad as some other pds on here. But there was constant tension, emotional abuse (silent treatment and gaslighting, lots of subtle lies and crazy making), no conversation, no joy or laughter, and a history of verbal abuse and intimidation/threats. Still, after talking to him I feel like maybe I am just a Bad Woman for leaving him. How stupid is that.

He is telling all his friends this sob story. He will tell our kids too. I worry they will believe him, they will think their mum is this horrible witch who left poor dad for no reason.

I can't go back. There's no way. But I'm not sure what to do with these feelings tonight.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to handle that feeling of guilt/doubt?

[Rose1]

My ex left but told everyone I had left him and took him for everything he had. Some believed him. They weren't my friends anyway. Looking back it bothered me a lot but doesn't now. its all so long ago. But he hasn't stopped, I just don't move in  the same circles anymore.

Regarding the guilt, I realised,  with some help, that it was all talk. There was no actual attempt to improve anything.

Like spending time talking to your ex and he says how he wants to save the family. Is he doing anything about that or is it I want you to save the family so I can go back to the way things were? It seems to me that the guilt trips are just manipulation. 
where is his responsibility in this? A friend of mine said to me, if it was me, I'd have a suitable house rented, and be back on my knees begging for a second chance.  I believe he told my ex exactly that. Never happened.  Just whining to everyone. He wanted his happy life of sitting around pretending to work while I did everything . The guilt trips were to try and get me to take responsibility for everything and make it all better. Some flying monkeys were included.

We are so used to taking responsibility for everything we often fall for it. But in reality what is your exs responsibility?  Does he have any? Is it a 2 way street? If you're not seeing anything then its really not your reason to be guilty. Perhaps the pd could do some therapy ? No too hard? Maybe get a job? No too hard. Maybe pay some child support?  No too hard. Much easier to whine.

When I finally realised I had to stop caretaking a grown man and I actually could have said, go get a job, i have 2 young kids, one with disabilities and I'd like to be a stay at home mum for a while, that was a valid request, I realised it was not a partnership but a nannyship.

He wanted mummy mk2.

[notrightinthehead]

These feelings of guilt/doubt show you that you are a kind and caring person.  The doubt shows you that you are willing to question yourself and thus have the ability to grow. Allow these feelings to be there but do not make your decisions based on these feelings. You have chosen a path of growth and healing and it is helpful to reflect sometimes if your decision is good.
Your h knows you well and he knows how to manipulate you. He knows your soft spots and your hopes. He also knows your fears and he will use this knowledge to get what he wants. Real change takes much longer than a month. If your h said anything about having changed.  If he just wants to have his family back, that means he wants everything the way it was.

[GettingOOTF]

The guilt you feel is a natural reaction to the situation. You have been conditioned, through his abuse, to put his needs before your own. It helps me to think of the emotions as less being my emotions and more the result of his calculated manipulations. Abuses use our guilt against us to get what they want.

Yes there are people who had it much worse than you, but there are also people who had it much better than you and still left. I’ve been reading you posts for a while. My thoughts were always that you were in a terrible terrible situation that had the potential to really escalate.

A month is early days in situations like this. You will find that you suppressed a lot of your emotions as it wasn’t safe for you to express them. The further away from him you get the worse it will feel while your body processes this. This is a natural and healthy part of the healing process. It will feel worse before it feels better. The guilt and other complicated feeling around my leaving were almost like a physical pull to go back. The best thing I ever did for myself was to resist and keep moving towards the life I have today.

[Boat Babe]

   100%

[JustKeepTrying]

CagedBirdSinging,

I am so glad you are thirty days free!  I remember those days clearly -dancing around my empty apartment feeling giddy.

I also remember the attempts to reconcile and the guilt that I blew up the family.  Lots of subtle words that would trip guilt.  The longer I was away from my xOCPDh the clearer I saw him.  It was exactly like the title of this site - coming Out of the FOG and seeing him clearly for what he is.  A very disordered individual.

Do I miss some of the happier times?  Sure - who wouldn't?  Would I go back - not for anything.  I tried for 32 years - begged him to go therapy; pleaded to look at the crazy making behaviors - all of it.  No go.  I knew I would die if I stayed - if he didn't kill me outright, I would've withered and my body give out.  I had to leave.

How do I handle the guilt and anxiety when I have to deal with him?  I wish I could give you a magic bullet answer but the reality is not very well.  I am trying to practice the pause - wait before responding - but I'm not good at it.  yet.  I mostly move all communication to texting or email.  If he calls, I don't answer and use voicemail.  That helps.

As for the guilt.  As mentioned before, it indicates you have empathy.  A capacity to see beyond yourself.  That is beautiful.  You have a beautiful gift within yourself to see outside of your own desires and needs.  Wow.  After the past several years politically, living with a PD and all the craziness in our world today - you are a rare individual.  Love it and lean in.  Own it.  We need more people like you.

[Free2Bme]

Cagedbird,

I remember being where you are, the elation.  I too felt I was recovering from serious brain fog.  I had pangs of doubt about leaving updh and how it would affect our 4 teen children. 

There was part of my brain that became over-developed due to being in an abusive relationship for 20 years, while the rest of my brain was in a fog.  Updh conditioned me to take responsibility for everything and absorb all the abuse.  Because I was conditioned to think/behave in certain patterns (or else be punished), other parts of my thinking suffered (foggy thinking).  So when I finally left him, my brain was still reacting in the same way to the stimulus, it came from the overdeveloped part. 

IME, the foggy part of my brain improved faster than I imagined, and I learned to process the guilt feelings and other reactions over time, it does get better. 

As far as the guilt.  I chose to believe that my updxh was the one who 'destroyed' the marriage/family, not me.  Of course, he was happy to throw that back on me (and still does 5 years later), but it didn't belong there.  He did not respond to any attempt I made to 'save' our marriage prior to me filing; years of counseling, would not do the recommended anger management, intervention with children, begging, pleading, etc.  IMO, he broke our marriage vows for 20 years, it's on him. 

I think NC is essential to recovery, communicate only through email.  Your brain needs recovery time without interference.  It's not about him anymore, it's about you, your health and your children at this point.  Journaling will help you see progress.

Be safe, my updxh became very unstable for about a year after I left. It was scary.

take care and keep posting 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone.. JustKeepTrying - you made me cry! Thank you for your kindness.

I know deep down that he is just trying to manipulate me. He knows the kids are my soft spot, so he is acting as Dad of the Year, trying to make me feel guilty. Actually he probably has more time with the kids now than he did before we separated. He was never bothered about spending whole chunks of time with them... but now it's the new 'thing' he is obsessed with.

I just wish there was more sense of mutual responsibility; that we could have a civil conversation and deal with things in a respectful, rational way. But obviously that isn't going to happen with a pd. He is now in total victim mode, completely blaming me for destroying our family by leaving. Never mind that 6 years of his behaviour drove me to this point. I have literally thrown everything at this marriage in my desperate attempt to salvage something and make it work. I only left because I'd reached breaking point and felt the marriage was starting to impact my health, and that of my kids. But despite all this heartbreak, I am being painted as the Horrible Woman, while he is the poor blameless victim.

He was married before, she left 'for no reason' and was a Horrible Woman too. I can't believe I bought that sob story. And he will soon be telling some poor young woman the same things about me. It's maddening.

I wish I could go NC, but we have young kids so that will never be an option. I just have to stay focussed and try not to let him get to me.