How long can disassociation last?

[LostPossum]

My ex girlfriend went through having an abortion 7 months ago.

Since then I have tried asking her to go to therapy together to unpack it and talk about it. Her reasonings were due to covid and our lack of jobs, and her fear of her disapproving parents.

She shuts down the conversation pretty quickly and then moves on. She normally would never do this.

Further she hates talking about it altogether and thus I had stopped asking.

She had been binge watching tv shows and movies and focusing on her health which is great yes, but its as if she was not at all thinking about it and that is understandable but I just feel like sweeping things under a rug and disassociating are more damaging.

Out of nowhere 7 months post abortion, she told me she associates me to the abortion and thus she couldn't be with me any longer. Again disassociating from her trauma.

Finally its been 6 months post breakup and I ran into her sister at a grocery store. After catching up, I asked her about her sister. And she said "Funny you ask, we talked the other day about you. I asked her what's he been up to. And unfortunately she said that she hasn't thought about you, searched you, or any of that."

This killed to hear because we had a long relationship and I thought I was special to her in some way despite breaking up.

I felt like she was trying to disassociate me from her mind and life, sweeping me under that big rug of hers and not thinking about me.

Does disassociation ever catch up to someone and then they need to handle all those things they have pushed down?

Would she ever stop disassociating me do you think?

Can disassociation last a lifetime?

I would love to be friends just like we were before dating... but yah she doesnt want me around due to the connection, and seemingly she doesnt want me in her head either.

[Andeza]

It's a hard topic. No doubt. I've been chewing over your post for a while now, hence no quick reply. To begin, she may never recover from what she chose. Some don't. It's different from one person to the next, but some cannot ever completely reconcile with it.

With that said, if she is rug-sweeping you, this speaks of certain dysfunctional behaviors that may or may not be PD related. However, in the case of pwPDs, the disassociation can last permanently. They do not have the necessary coping skills to look at their actions or the actions of others around them, process it, accept that it happened, and then go about moving on. Dumping any and all physical reminders is quite common. They will shut people out of their lives for far less substantial reasons, including "perceived" insults. In other words, there was no insult, and they merely chose to imagine one or create one out of the situation at hand in order to feed their need for supply/drama.

It may catch up to her, and if it does, it won't be pretty. It will be a very difficult time for her, with much uncomfortable processing that has been tucked away under the rug for some time just percolating. However, even if she does eventually come to terms, there is no guarantee that it would mean a change in the current situation for you both. I know none of that makes this easier for you. I'm sorry this is something you're experiencing.

[blacksheep7]

My sister had a form of dissasociation, depersonalization when she got married. It is a defense mechanism for an extreme stress the brain has trouble processing. Why? I can not go into the details of it myself but surely because of their experiences in life and the similarities of what they are living.

For my sister, it was an overwhelming stress because she was not prepared for exact reasons that I still don't know, (we are nc 4 yrs now). She stopped confinding in me, also keeping a secret for 30+ yrs. Her dd told me.

She was parentified by NM all her life.  NF was a raging Dr Jykel & Mr. Hyde type when she was very young, 5 or 6. I am sure her defense mechanism kicked in at that time.  She is meek, not a talker unless it's about celebrity gossip and comedy.

She told me about her depersonalization when it happened, was put on medication but did not do much therapy which she should have had, even overall in her life through her personal crissis.  She had another episode in her 50's which she hid from me. She  told me she was on sick leave, the reason being  a burnout. Again her dd told me being aware of her M's personality.

With her history and our childhood background being the last in line, the lost child,  has a superficial personality.  Her dh takes care of conflicts, she listens. I always tried to support and guide her but she remained the same with a dependant  personality, no real friends. I was her only friend.  It did not stop us from having a very good relationship because I was still in the fog somewhat and we were just enjoying bringing up our kids seeing eachother often.
She never opened up about her emotional state when the family war was going on, couldn't handle being in the middle of NM and me, the blacksheep.  She is  still enmeshed with NM.  I don't think that she will change at her age, 50+.

I'm sorry that your  friend pushed you away completely. It's very hurtful but you and I must not feel guilty about wanting to help or having a relationship that they can not cope with.  It cleary shows that she does not want to open up about it, let it go.  She might come back, who knows but it shows a problem that she does not want to share.

This is where it is similar to my sister, all emotions are cut off because of unprocessed wounds. It is sad but I accepted it.  The only way for your friend or my sister to open up their wounds would be therapy, to deal with whatever!

This is my knowlege on the matter.
Take care

[JustKeepTrying]

LostPossum,

I don't have any input on your exgirlfriend, her behavior or the abortion except this - trauma is individualistic.  It can come from various sources and the effects are multiple and varied.  Everyone has a different experience.

My post concerns you.  Do you have support?  Therapist or counselor?  Someone other than this forum to work through the emotion.  Please consider seeing someone to talk all of this through - not just the abortion (not sure you are biologically involved) but your ex's behavior.  It feels to me like this is a trauma for you as well. 

Lifting you up from afar.

[1footouttadefog]

Everyone is different.  Even people with PDs can vary in which traits they have and to what extent. That being said, If she is a person with a PD, it may be a matter of she never has had the same level of emotional connection that a normal person has.

With many of the personality disorders, a lack of empathy and an inability to achieve emotional intimacy is a striking characteristic of the pd.

Very often, especially with narcs and bpds, the emotion the partner feels at the beginning of the relationship, that they though was love toward them, was acrually the narc radiating their own self love.  Their glee that someone is loving them, their own joy at getting narcissistic supply/attention is often mistaken as love by the non partner who believes the pd is feeling this over them specifically as a person.

Many nons are shocked after a relationship to find that have been easily replaced and that the charming player who love bombed them then disappeared when the mask came off and the abuse started, has once again made an appearance with a new partner.

The inability to connect with family, parents, partners can also be found in relationship with children.

Events like the loss of a parent or child are often not about the loss of person, a life lived, bit rather they become an event that happened to the PD.  A mother death is not about the cessation of a life shared by friends and family that knew her, and grieved by connecting with those others,  but the loosing of THEIR mother, ie something the universe did to them.

I hope I dont seem callous.  I understand you are hurting over these losses.  There is a lot of grieving and healing and I hope you are taking good care of, and being kind to your self at this time. I hope your healing is holistic and that you find your self stronger on the other side.

However this is a board about personality disorders and I wanted to point out that sometimes personality disordered people dont always or even never engage in or process emotions in the ways we expect.  I think it might be of use to consider that she may be processing things from a different set of parameters and with different tools than you are.