I am an old broken Adult Child.

[quietlybroken]

There are many forms of abuse. I have quietly experienced quite a few. I broke off with my Mother last year, or rather at age 61 I stopped being her doormat and said no to more mental abuse. My reward was her usual response, she cut all contact with me. That was the one thing I had been trained all my life to avoid. It was the one thing that always kept me doing everything she told me to do.  I never stepped out of line.  Always did what she told me to do. Until I asked here why she always put me down, or criticized everything I did.  Why she would not call me but made me feel bad if I did not call her every other day?  Today I found out she disinherited me. Not a lot of money there but the pain of just the thought was pretty intensive.  My baby sister committed suicide when she was 15. My younger brother died in July of last year (2020). He had congestive heart failure from years and years of drug use.  For the last 7 years I took care of him because my mother would not help him.  Would not see him. Would send a check to him every now and then. My mother was abusive both physically and mentally to my brother and I growing up. She married and divorce our father 3 times. He was in and out of our lives. He is dead now.  When she married our stepfather, who adopted us, the beatings and the screaming at the things being thrown at us stopped. But not the mental abuse. Not the constant digs that make you feel less than worthless. When my brother died last summer, I phoned them heart broken.  They came and claimed his body and then did not tell me about the funeral.  They told everyone in the family that I was not invited because I had disrespected her and that was something she would never accept.  You might ask, "What did you do to disrespect your mother".  At age 61 I finally asked her why. Why she worded things in a way to hurt me. Why she felt I should call her when she refused to ever call me. Why she could never ask me a direct question and always had to poke at me to get what she wanted. Why she could not just talk to me.  It was not until I was cut off that I realized how much of my life and my personality everything I approached in life was wrapped up in her. Just how broken I really am and it is too late to do anything about it. It makes me afraid to interact with people because I can't trust anyone. I am married to a wonderful man but he is equally broken. We are a mess. His last parent died in Nov.  I really do feel like I am living in a FOG.  I had Therapy over many years with different doctors.  How come no one ever told me I was broken? 

[spiritualbutterfly]

I just want to offer a virtual hug! I am glad you are beginning to find your voice, even if it feels late in life for you. Maybe no one told you that you are broken because you aren't. What's the saying? Bent but not broken? Broken things are often no longer of value while bent things can often be straightened out and used again. I bet (hope) there are people in your life who would tell you your value to them (sounds like your brother was one of them), and if not, I hope you meet them soon! I can tell you that reading your story was valuable to me just because it lets me know that I am not alone in dealing with a less-than-supportive (or supportive when it benefits her) type of mother. Again, hugs!

[notrightinthehead]

I want to add my welcome! So glad you found us. This forum is full of people who understand. I want to second the opinion that you might be bent but not broken.  Start reading around here, the Personality disorders tab, the toolbox and the posts of others with similar background. Consider this the beginning of your journey Out of the FOG on which you have embarked now. Once your eyes are open, let not fear stand in your way of healing. See you around on the boards!

[quietlybroken]

Thank you very much for your comments.  After a year without my mother speaking to me...it is like a light went on suddenly and there are so many things I should have done differently. So many. People I should have spent more time with.  People I cut off because mother did not like them.  I was wrong and healing those wrongs is going to be tough.
Thanks again.
Cheryl