This feels like a BPD trap-- would love translations please!

[marymackblack]

Hello- my BDP sister is spinning out because our mother has Alzheimer's and  will be moving in 2 weeks to a home.  I am POA and have had it all planned well and to a T.  (Both sister and I live in different states far from our home town) I am set to go back Sunday to start the moving process to support mom. My sister swooped in last week to act like she is daughter of the year after not visiting my mom for over 2 years. She was supposed to leave yesterday but has now told me she is extending her stay because she feels mom is unsafe until she moves and asking me "Well since you are coming - I can leave or I can stay longer is it will be helpful to you." This question was texted to me and feels very much like a trap. She has stirred up tons of drama in the week she has been with my mom, including trying to get mom to stay in her home longer , having mom call me while she coaches her what to say in the background and yelling at me. Any advice of how to answer her about staying is greatly appreciated. I do not want her there. I am going NC after I get mom  all moved.
Thank you

[bloomie]

marymackblack - hmmm... one of the things a high conflict, always ready to stir it up, swooping in at the last minute sil of my own does as my DH and I attempt to care for an elderly, fragile mil, is attempt to toss stink bombs like this into our laps for decisions that are hers to make. In our case, she is posturing for her elderly mother and refusing to take responsibility for herself and needing a scape goat.

One of the ways we have responded to similar 'requests': ""Well since you are coming - I can leave or I can stay longer is it will be helpful to you."

"This is something for you to decide." The. End.

In our case, my sil repeatedly attempts to gain full control and takes zero responsibility. We have learned the hard way that these kinds of things are not sincere requests to try and cooperate and coordinate care for an elder and to not to get lured in.

Let us know how things are going. Your mother is very blessed to have you to make sure she has the help and care she needs with such a vulnerable disease process. Alzheimer's in our parents is a very painful and long goodbye. My heart is with you!

[AlisonWonder]

It sounds like you will be made wrong no matter what you say.  This is passive aggressive behaviour you are anticipating,
and I have found a super kryptonite for these people:  Passive.  They base all their actions on going against you, and if
you don't show what you want, and try not to even feel it, it leaves them with nothing to go on, and they are forced to come up with their own choice.  I've found this is incredibly healing for them, as they have never learned to think this way and look inwards, which has always been the whole problem.

I hope you have a good poker face, and that all is going well.

[Puzzler]

If it were me with my bpd relative my response would be, "I will be arriving at this time and leaving at this time" and not giving any more than that. What she does with that information is up to her.  Obviously this is easier said than done! You don't owe her any more than that. If she changes what she does because of it that's up to her but you're not wrong or bad by not changing your plans.

[marymackblack]

Following up on this - I am back in CA after traveling for 2 weeks to get my mother moved. I successfully moved her into her new apt in the retirement home, got her house on the market and so far my mom is adjusting well and settling in.  My sister tried to sabotage things when she was at my mom's and overlapped with me a few days, but then did a 180 and acted all supportive, for one week. She's now back home in Texas and has started in on me again, this time accusing me of not caring well enough for my mom's health. There is a sore spot on my mom's back that isn't healing well and my sister feels i'm not doing enough for her . She wants to get her a new Dr because her current dermatologist can't get her in until May. My sister says she doesn't have any confidence in the care I provide for mom and that I am entrusting others and letting my mom down. She feels my mom's nurse isn't doing enough, that I'm also not doing enough and that I am making mom suffer.  This is an irritated patch on her back and nothing serious.  I know my sister's BPD makes her think it's much worse than it really is and she is just trying to protect my mom, but I also think she is using another opportunity to accuse me and be angry with me, to keep me in the cycle with her.
Every week I say "I can't take this anymore and I am going to block her" But it seems like she always has yet one more thing I have to deal with. I want to focus on my mom and not answer to her. All I do is make sure my mom is safe and happy , so she knows this is  a way to hurt me too.

[notrightinthehead]

Mary, I urge you to read the Toolbox! Especially Medium chill, non JADE and grey rock.  Then practise, practise, practise whenever you have an interaction with your sister.  Use any interaction with your sister as an opportunity to practise your new skills. You will soon see how much more relaxed and more in control of yourself you will be when you apply these - and any other tools that might be suitable for your situation.  This will free up constructive energy that you then have for the more important tasks in your life. Be strong!