Defining Traits/Behaviors

[SonofThunder]

In my studies here at Out of the FOG, I have been trying to determine whether two traits of all three of the PD's that are in my life (wife, father and sister-in law), are actually defined in the 'top 100 traits' of the Personality Disorders section here at Out of the FOG. 

The closest two traits that are relevant to my repeated experiences are Projection and Fear of Abandonment.  But, I do not believe they define my experiences well, because there are twists to how I experience them.  I may be clearly missing or misunderstanding a definition that currently exists, so please correct me if that is true. I thought it may be helpful to give examples and see how many people have had similar trait experiences with their PD in a variety of things. 

1. Projection?  In all 3 of my PD's, I experience traits in them in which they attempt to assign to me/others.  The definition of 'projection' is very close, yet imo, falls a bit short because of a cover-up twist.  In my experiences, the reasoning for the 'projection' are to proactively and completely cover-up or diminish the PD's responsibility for their current actions and/or motives.  I personally believe 'projection' is being experienced, but also 'deflection' which is not a trait definition on Out of the FOG.   The difference imo, is that projection is a proactive effort to assign traits and behaviors to nons.   But my self-defined 'deflection' is when certain events that are/are not in the control of the PD are truth-twisted to shield themselves from responsibility or even to act as a 'cover' so that the PD action may continue.  This deflection may be an assumed part of the definition of projection, but it is not stated.  The definition of projection here at Out of the FOG seems proactively one-sided, where the PD assigns traits without an active cover-up, in order to cause drama in which they like to feed upon. 

As an example of the cover-up aspect (which I am still actively and secretly investigating);  I separated from my uPDw for 60 days (I utilized a healing separation, which is a very real thing) in July 2018 for a planned purpose of A: emotionally healing/reset for myself for a short period, because of a growing difficult situation with my uPDw   B: testing the fear of abandonment definition that is at the root of PD's, in order to solidify my self-diagnosis of my wife for my own understanding.   C: allowing my uPDwife to fully understand that I will control myself in all things, despite her attempts otherwise, and to cause a permanent memory of that experience to potentially lessen future attempts at control. 

The healing separation was very effective at all three goals. In that short 60 day period, my wife was continuing to manage the installation of a swimming pool project she started at our home. (I refused from the beginning to take part in the 'show' the pool was designed to achieve).  My wife emotionally fell to pieces during my abrupt absence, with extreme fears of being physically alone, especially at night and causing her to get very little sleep as well as almost having a nervous breakdown; fears that she was unsafe;  fears of total helplessness.  She turned to her female friends in a big way, in order to have them to prop her up, while she attempted to smear my reputation.   Upon my return (my uPDw was begging for my return for the relief of her emotionally overwhelming experiences), my wife was in a very vulnerable mental situation, as all of the symptoms of 'fear of abandonment' were on full display.  In that vulnerable state, she let her PD guard down and revealed that she had, during the 60 day period, been having frequent communication (imo very flirty and revealing my abandoning her)  to the pool company owner and he made very real attempts to get her to go out on dates with her.  I discovered his text and email communications with her that proved it true.  She stated that she had no intention to lead him on, and that he made advancements that were unwarranted, and that she would write an email to him to explain the misunderstanding.  She has always refused to allow me to see the email and frankly I don't care, as I expected all this behavior from her, because that is how she and I met, back in college, as she and I dated behind the back of her long-standing boyfriend.  She's a very attractive, flirty (and when desiring), very seductive woman.  An expert 'love-bomber'.   

About 6 months after my return, the cover-up/twist in my uPDwife began, as she began to accuse me of having an affair during that 60 day absence and even accuses me of potentially having one earlier, causing me to abandon her.  She continues to proactively try and catch me in communication with her imaginary ideas of women I must be seducing and she tells me that she has fully instructed all her friends that I am potentially having an affair.  I could care less. In my experiences for the last 30 years with her and the other 2 PD's, what I am being accused of, is typically something the PD is covering up in themselves.  In this case, since the proactive accusations by her of my assumed cheating and her attempts to catch me in supposed infractions is ongoing, my mind is considering whether it is actually my uPDwife who is having either a currently active emotional or physical affair she may be trying to cover up/deflect.

Again for the purpose of this discussion, I am trying to align a PD definition to my experiences, but 'projection' seems to fall short because it assumes the assigning of PD traits to a non, but it leaves out the purpose of hiding behind very real events that may be occurring in the life of the PD.   In my opinion, 'deflection' is a potential trait definition.  I experience this twisting-around so frequently with my PD's, from very minor things, to the potential major things, such as an affair and even a very real experience I had with my uPDfather in dealing with a very large real estate deals and a large sum of money that went sour and he attempted to deflect the responsibility to me and twist it away from himself.  This leads into my #2. 

2.  The second trait I experience is a twist on 'fear of abandonment' and it is actually very real abandonment by PD's in relation to them escaping responsibility.  In many cases with all 3 of the PD's in my life, something that the PD started (activity, argument, etc..) is abruptly abandoned when the situation starts to turn negative toward the PD.  'Blaming' (a defined trait) is utilized for an excuse for the abandoning, but it's very clear that the PD is running away from responsibility, in order to hide from the negative being attributed to the PD.  I'm looking for a definition for this 'abandonment' that seems so common with all the PD's in my life. Again, I may be missing a current definition.   

As a final note, it is interesting to me how the #1 projection/deflection experiences  and the abandoning experiences of #2 can occur together in sequence and are twists of the very real major fears that reside in PD's. 

Feel free to discuss similar experiences that may assist in understanding similarities to my descriptions and help me better define a parameter definition to add to my thinking, which helps me identify these traits better, when they are occurring. 

SoT