Cat and mouse

[Dollydrops]

I'm so mixed up and feel stupid with this guy in my head all the time. I'm trying to concentrate on the fact that he's practically dropped contact but each snippet he sends is to say he loves me. On valentines day I'd heard nothing from him for over two weeks which was a meeting in person by chance . I was woken before sunrise with a very loving message apologising for the time. and a link to a song in which the words ask me to hold on, not let go, say I won't leave etc, etc. Id got myself really worked up having not heard from him and wanted to scream, but how could I with such a lovely message.? No apology for the absence. No enquiry to my wellbeing, and no possibility of being able to message or talk to him about the song or even if we actually have a relationship or not. I should have been overjoyed with such a romantic gesture, so why am I feeling like I'm being played with?

[Boat Babe]

You feel like you're being played with because that's exactly what he's doing. I'm so sorry cos you must be hurting a lot because of this.

I can only suggest that you put yourself first here and move on. If he's playing these games with you now, it will only get worse over time, leading to further heartbreak. His behaviour is callous and manipulative and you need tsee it for what it is. If in doubt, because you have such strong feelings atm, imagine it's your sister/best friend in your situation. What advice would you give her?

Now you have your answer.

Keep talking here. We are here for you and we get it. Sending hugs.

[Dollydrops]

Thank you for replying, I feel like I'm in an anxious state all the time and trying my best but keep hanging on to the good bits and ignoring how I feel in between. I'm doing things I'd never dream of to justify myself and my feelings and  everything odd that he did in the beginning has switched to me instead. I'm finding myself fighting to keep him there and feel like a desperate obsessed person but I swear to god all of it is because of his obsessive constant pursuing of me, he never gave me time to breath and now just a reminder that he loves me every few weeks and I'm scrambling to find a way to connect. I don't suffer fools lightly normally.

[Boat Babe]

You've been love-bombed. It's what they do. They need you for supply and they need to emmesh you quickly and completely. Then the fun begins.  The walking on eggshells, the feelings of doom, panic, despair because of the awful, crazy, mind fucking things they do. The isolation from friends and family, the increasing control through violence, not necessarily physical,  and gaslighting, the silent treatment, the flirting with other people in front of you, the lies, the cruelty.  I could go on.

My take on romantic relationships with people with PDs is that they are not worth it, not one bit. The damage they can cause is horrific, just read some of the stories here.

As a person with strong codependency wiring/traits I know now that however much I want love and acceptance, I must only seek this with healthy people. And if there is no healthy person around then I am learning to be happily single. If it's a choice between being in a relationship with someone who hurts and abuses me or being single, then I now choose my whole self over my "need" for being loved by a guy who doesn't live me. It's what prompted my leaving exuPDbf. It was awful at first as I had deep trauma bonds and emmeshment. I went cold turkey! But I had to honour my whole self, all of me and that included my autonomy, my dignity and my sanity at the end of the day. I couldn't have that with him.

I'm two and a half years out and am so glad I went when I did. I have no regrets whatsoever. I have rebuilt those aspects of my life that needed it after the crazy shit and have learnt a lot.

I hope this helps.

[Dollydrops]

Can I ask, they say you should listen to what they say because they're actually telling you what's happening, but in a way you wouldn't know. When he started slow fading, I knew immediately that something else was in his life. I questioned his pulling away and he said his daughter was 'coming back'. I knew it was a ridiculous excuse, she's a grown working woman but my instinct told me someone else was, not her. It turned out she wasn't coming back at all, but I felt instinctively he was telling me someone else was, just changed the name of the person. Am I being too analytical?

[Boat Babe]

What you are doing, dear Dollydrops, is trying to work him out. What is he really doing? What does he really feel for me? Why is he doing this? etc etc

You can waste weeks, months, years of your life trying to make sense of his behaviour. And I mean waste.  I had to give up trying to understand my exuPD bf, give up feeling sorry for him and his awful childhood, give up making excuses for him, give up pouring all my time, energy and focus into helping him, give up the hope that he would work on his issues and make some progress.

I had to focus on what I needed in this relationship. I had to see it for what it was, him for who he was, and give up the hope that he would change. I had to focus on where my true happiness and peace of mind lay, and it wasn't with him.

From what you say Dollydrops, he has got you waiting on him with crumbs of attention and lies.  He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't ghost you. I am sorry because that hurts like hell. The absolutely best thing you can do is let him go, feel awful for a bit, recover and then get on with your life. You only have one. ❤️❤️❤️

[tragedy or hope]

Dear DollyD,

All of the following is IMO....
There was a movie out at one point referring to "he's just not that into you." (I haven't seen it). Do you have men in your life to reflect on this with you?

A man who cares and loves you or is "into you," for who you are, does not come and go like a fly. He stays, he reveals his interest up front, he seriously pursues, he respects and cares. It's pretty simple.

It is very easy to get infatuated by someone who knows how to manipulate our vulnerabilities. Also if he is especially good looking or/and charming, he will use it to his advantage.

How about, you, keep moving forward .You do not have to give your interest in him up if you choose not to... but see him as the one in the barn who may or may not be someone you really can connect with.. When he pursues, enjoy the attention.

A kiss is not a promise. It is just a kiss .A text is not a relationship, it is just a text. Fairytale relationships can be found in children's books. Read them for what they are then come back to real life. This may help you see clearly, he is just a person with his own set of goals which may or may not include you.

Don't wait until HE figures it out. Live your own life.. If he is interested he will fit in perfectly, and you will not live in questioning and pain.

Be good to your self first.  SELF first. He's a grown man he does not need you. Though pd's often give that impression to vulnerable targets. Are you a target or real love interest. That is for you to decide not him..

[BeautifulCrazy]

Dolly,

If your daughter, best friend, or someone you love very deeply was in your situation, how would you advise them? What would you want for them?

If you acted the way this man does, would you be able to honestly say you were doing all you could to participate in a healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationship?

In five years, if this relationship is in exactly the same place it is right now, will you be happy with that? How about ten years?

These are thought experiments from my therapist that helped me gain a bit of clarity.

[Dollydrops]

Your replies are really helping thank you.
I wrote him yesterday and put boundaries out there for myself for the first time I ever have. I felt better and intend to keep them. I told myself I wouldn't get hurt when he came back in my life this time but of course that was an impossible hope.

[Adria]

Dollydops,

I married a man like that. My marriage was miserable for the first 15 years. I mean miserable.  Fortunately for me, my husband has changed quite a bit for the better and we are going on 30 years. My advice would be to walk away before you get anymore entrenched.  If it is this bad now, it will be worse when he knows he's got you. Someone once told me, don't marry a guy before two years because they can't hold it together any longer than that. I wish I would have heard that before I married him.  I was miserable, but couldn't get out.  If you have this many questions and doubts, stay true to yourself. Put yourself and your feelings first. You will find someone more deserving of your love . . . someone who appreciates you and cherishes you.

[Dollydrops]

I finally had a reply to my boundaries after 3 more weeks of not hearing from him. He commented on the verse I'd sent him for v day and completely ignored my requests of some clarity. He says he loves me, misses me so much and is thinking of me constantly, oh and hopes I have a lovely day!
I'm doing my best to keep busy with spring projects, and also coming to terms with myself that this is all coming to an end but my god its hard. The frustration of not being able to officially end something that's lasted 10 years is awful. I suppose the only way to do it is to convince myself, but its very hard when sporadic loving texts appear. I do realise now though that they're only designed to keep me hooked. He did this slow fade thing to me once before and when I asked why he told me he 'didn't want me to forget him'. That's what I need to see now, that these snippets from him are selfish. He can't even be bothered to ask how I am and I'm so enmeshed (due to his obsessive attention for so long) that I'm relieved when I hear from him and all the yelling I want to do gets suppressed.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Dolly, can you just block him on all avenues of communication and go no contact? I know it wouldn't give you a very sayisfying "end" because you won't get to tell him personally that it's over. But maybe taking that control of your life all on your own, for yourself, might be an empowering first step?
Based on my personal experiences and years of reading this forum, I suspect there is no easy, clear or definite end or any real closure to these kind of relationships anyway.
If the pattern holds, he is likely to continue to do juuuust enough to hoover you back as supply, or give you just enough hope of his affection to keep you hanging in there as one of his options.
Maybe, if you can't manage No Contact, you could stop contacting him and making plays for his attention / responses?
Ugh, I know exactly how hard it is to detach oneself, even after you've realized how toxic it is. I am sending you so much love and strength and encouragement!! You deserve someone who makes YOU their ONLY PLAN, not just an option.

[tragedy or hope]

Dolly,
Sounds as if you are really getting it together. Sounds like you are putting yourself first.
Maybe HE can't decide what he wants. That is his problem. Keep pursuing what YOU want. He would probably flip out if you told him you were not really interested in receiving texts from him anymore.
You can set any boundary you want and any relationship parameters you want. You can tell him what you want, and walk away. If he still wants the relationship you can leave the door ajar.
IMO maybe his is unsure of himself about you. HIS problem. You chose him for a reason, he must be lovable. So now you can choose how you want to handle him in this situation. I don't believe in throw away people. Ten years is a long time, you must know him well.
The difference now is YOUR growth. This to me is also part of a relationship. Not everyone grows. Can you accept what is? Do you think you want your life "as is" forever with him in it? These questions may settle the whole situation for you.  What you see or have seen is what you will get in the future.

If you want to be in the state you have been in, by all means, let him back in. If not... use caution. Love can also be from a distance and still be love. Fix your side of the street and if he wants to come over, he will.

[lavalove]

Trust your intuition and take care of and protect yourself.  Besides PD, maybe there is an addiction involved.  They try to hide it but there is a lot of inconsistency and disappearing acts.  Ignorance could be bliss.

[Dollydrops]

Thanks for the replies, I've had some time out to think. I resonate with the addiction thing. You're right that I need to, and have stopped asking for explanations. I'm struggling with feeling that I've pushed him too far, I asked that he be clear on what he wants, he avoided answering but says that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, its frustrating. I've recently had a brief encounter with him by chance, it seems he's going through a crisis involving a big problem at work which has led to therapy, everything got on top of him and so he's retreated. I don't know anymore what to believe, still been left unsure of where I stand and on the pretext of he will get in touch when he can. He is still frequenting our usual meeting places by habit but he actually saw and avoided me this week. I'm trying to work through my feelings and come to terms that I feel I may have added to the build up of his crisis. That's the thing I need to stop doing and concentrate on how him stopping contact is making ME feel.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I finally had a reply to my boundaries after 3 more weeks of not hearing from him.

Hello Dolly!   Sometimes no response to an email or text IS a reply.    If he isn't a 1st responder who is working 18 hours a day/7 days a week then he had time to acknowledge your message.    You deserve someone who replies within a few hours. I am sorry he isn't able to be upfront with you.   

((( hug )))