Silent Treatment not always 'Silent'

[SeaBreeze]

Just wanted to post my thoughts here for those still coming Out of the FOG and trying to make sense of things.

The abuse tactic of Silent Treatment aka ST is not necessarily 100 percent "silent". The PD may still communicate with you, but only if needed (for example they ask, or are asked, if the dog's been fed.) This "communication" will consist of grunts, groans, sighs, shrugs, deliberate footsteps... Quietly bringing you a stray sock they found in the dryer. Oh and terse, one-word answers (either verbal or via text.) Telling you "good night" in a cold, clipped tone before they go sleep on the couch or in their home office, again.

Basically ST (or its close cousin Stonewalling) is the dark, twisted version of Medium Chill or Gray Rock (but PDs do this to manipulate us, not protect themselves). It's NOT a needed "time-out" to cool down, and we nons know that in our gut, particularly if this time-out has been going on for a week, a month....

ST can indeed be 100 percent true silence. But it can also be just enough communication to string us nons along, like a small IV drip of an addictive drug. ST is demoralizing, maddening, and hurtful. As someone else pointed out here once on Out of the FOG, their refusal to speak steals/stills YOUR voice. And that's exactly what abusers intend ST to be.

Years ago, I was so desperate once after a 2-month long ST that I was the one who sent *him* flowers at work to break his silence. In retrospect, I should have sent him divorce papers! After 22 years, I've learned  to embrace uNPDh's ST as *my* time-out. We have separate bedrooms now (my idea) so uNPDh's newest version of ST is to ground himself to his room. Good time for me to visit Out of the FOG, apartment rental ads, legal advice sites, etc without PD looking over my shoulder!

My eldest DS29 helped put ST in a more humorous perspective years ago as a teen. He said "Mom, silence is golden, duct tape is silver. What's the problem?" Others don't understand that silence does not always equal peace. But DS made me chuckle and I quote that to myself often.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hey there, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. For me the ST was one of the worst parts about living with a pd.
You are right - it is not totally silent. This is what can be so disconcerting, and makes us question 'am I being given the ST or not?!'
I would define it as a deliberate shut down of meaningful conversation or interaction. You are right about the clipped tone 'goodnight!' (SLAM! goes the door). StbxpdH would answer questions with yes/no, or as short a response as he could get away with. During ST, he wouldn't ask me anything.. and if I started to tell a story or explain something, he would deliberately start chatting with the kids or creating a distraction, speaking over me (but not TO me), shutting the conversation down. It was hell, in my own home.

The 'silence' of the ST has a particular texture and toxic undertone. It is deliberate, targeted often at one person. My pd could be happily interacting with others, whilst giving me ST. When I challenge him on this, he completely denies it. He says he is just being quiet, and why do I have a problem with people being quiet? He has even bought books on 'quiet' and 'introspection' which is complete crap. Because he is not a quiet person. I see him with his friends, and he is loud, brash, with a toilet humour and about as much introspection as a goldfish. Honestly. Ironically, I am the one who is quiet. I'm quite shy. But I love a good conversation with people I am close to, and I would never give the ST to anyone, ever.

The last part of your message made me think of Amanda Gorman's The Hill We Climb - that line 'we've learnt that quiet isn't always peaceful.' We all know which pd she was talking about (one of my ex's idols as it happens). I loved that line, thought it was very apt.

Thanks for your post, and I hope things get better for you.

[clara]

It's a communication "style" that has its effects, and they've learned to use it because it works for them.  They see how uncomfortable/unhappy/angry it makes you, and that's exactly the response they want.  No matter how you try to address it, they find a way to blow off or deny your concerns, which they know will just exacerbate any feelings you're already having.  Secretly, they're enjoying the hell out of it, because it's giving them what they want even if, to you, it makes no sense.  They're living within their own reward system.  Logic or reason has no place there. 

I think not responding is the best response.  Negate their behavior by refusing to engage with it or acknowledging it exists.  It's not easy, I know, but I learned from dealing with a NPDexh who behaved like this that when I acted like nothing unusual was going on, he'd first double-down on the behavior, and then drop it because his overriding emotional need was for attention.   When I stopped concerning myself over the behavior, he stopped the behavior (although he would generally find something else to replace it with!)