Is it narcissism?

[jasmine215]

My cousin remarried someone about five years ago and I've long had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right. Over the past year, it's become even more apparent that something isn't right. Just to give some context about myself, I'm the daughter of a highly narcissistic mom and enabler/co-narcissistic dad. I grew up as the family's emotional and sometimes physical punching bag. They still emotionally abuse me all of the time, and my mother has done a fantastic job smearing me to the rest of our family... even though people also know that she's unstable (her sister, an NP, thinks that she is also bipolar).    So, people in my family often act like I take up space but I'm actually a very quiet person and easy-going, and don't particularly like confrontation though I've finally learned to draw boundaries or to at least name when I see toxic behavior.

A few years ago, my cousin met someone which I was initially thrilled about though there was one huge red flag right in the beginning. They actually met at her husband's wake, though didn't start actually dating until maybe two months afterward (he was technically dating someone else at the time but trying to break it off). I tried really hard to not judge the situation, partially because I didn't want my family member to become upset with me.

When I first met this woman, I was really taken aback because she was very nice, sunny, and sweet but it seemed extremely disingenuous. A lifetime of abuse seems to has given me spidy sensors regarding toxic behavior, which I guess is one of the takeaways for us traumatized people?  I only saw her at family parties and other things before they got married and in those few interactions, she was sometimes friendly and sometimes totally avoidant. (My husband also just reminded me that while my cousin was very emotional during their wedding speeches to each other, she was almost blank-faced. I actually had more tears coming down my face) For instance, one time I was at her house to drop something off and didn't realize she was home because she was hiding in the kitchen. My cousin also acted weird but we had a complicated family history so I thought he might just need space. But then he became more distant which hurts. My husband and I definitely knew something was up by then but we weren't given the opportunity to be around them enough to really understand the story. Over the past year, it's gotten worse. She's given me some pretty nasty looks when no one else can see and demonstrates clear contempt for us. What confuses me is that we haven't spent enough time together for her to organically generate such deep emotions towards us and towards me especially, even if my mom is feeding her lies. That's my presumption at least, I know that narcs can weave a sorted web.

She also demonstrates other weird and alarming behavior. For instance, she seems incredibly materialistic and sometimes acts extremely haughty and full of herself. She definitely looks down on other people with fewer means but then claims to be religious? My cousin is a landscaper and makes an alright living but not enough to afford a huge and fancy house. Yet, since they married, they seem to be living extremely well beyond their means, including the purchase of a house with four full bathrooms and a pool. We live a town away from each other in California, and things are not cheap here. The house itself looks like a studio set, there are very few real signs of life anywhere. She and my cousin have a young child and a stepchild together and they are already telling their oldest kid that they can't return home after going to college - and they are planning to convert the kid's room into another space for them to enjoy. We are already talking about a huge house with a gym area and lounge.

I also watched her scream at her kid for slipping juice on her t-shirt. It wasn't a big deal at all, but she freaked (and she also didn't know that I happened to be looking down into her yard from a porch during a party when it happened). Another thing is that I've seen a car that looks like hers slowly drive by our house and pause, and then drive off when I look out the window. It's happened more than a few times and was extremely bizarre.

One of the most alarming things for me, though, is the looks. One of the looks was when my cousin Facetimed me when I had the flu and was extremely sick. She had zero compassion for me and gave me the worst RBF - and she's actually a nurse. I don't know if she's aware that our faces have a million micro-movements that we can't control, and that she's definitely flashed me some dark looks in the past without any organic reason. In fact, when I do visit my cousin, I am usually helping him with someone in some way which makes the entire thing so bizarre. (what grown woman behaves this way?) I don't think that it's a jealousy thing, or that she feels threatened. I think she's somehow decided that she does not like me in the little time that we've spent together and is trying to create distance between my cousin and me. As the scapegoat, I am also probably better at seeing through the performance or whatever, but it also means that she knows she can get away with any bad behavior.   

My cousin's father is a minister and an overt narcissist, so I am wondering if my cousin is already groomed for it. The only other reason I can think of as an explanation for her deep contempt is our opposing political and spiritual beliefs. I know that these are incredibly polarizing times so I never say anything to or in front of them, and I stopped posting anything to social media. She is very conservative and religious and clearly feels morally superior because of that. In addition, her parents are extremely racist so maybe it's that as well? I do seriously wonder if she's buying into conspiracy theory which I guess wouldn't make the situation better at all.

Regardless of what's truly going on, I think my cousin is past the point of no return. I don't think he sees the full scope of her behavior. Right now, I'm just trying to see if my spidy senses are right here because I feel certain that something is up but is it narcissism? I initially thought her behavior was covert but I learned that narcissists can switch between covert and overt and some just seem nice and sweet and not just loud and aggressive.

[notrightinthehead]

That would hurt me to watch my relative being entrapped in such a way.  I used to have the need to help and enlighten people in such situations. That was of course my co-dependent trait.  Now I withdraw. I find it too painful to watch and I do not want to expose myself to such toxic situations. I just fade away.

[Leonor]

Well, we're always warned against dx'ing someone at a distance. It would be hard to figure out in any case since so many PDs are variations of or co-morbid with each other.

From your description, it sounds like a lot of dysfunction is going on in your family and it doesn't sound like a lot of fun for you, either. Here's the thing with spidey-senses: the more you use them, the more you get stuck in someone else's web.

Your cousin is a grown-up. His spouse is a grown-up. Their marriage is their marriage. You don't like her, and it certainly sounds like she doesn't like you, either. That's okay. You're not married to her, and while you may care about your cousins and second-cousins, her marriage is none of your business.

So take a deep breath, give the spidey-senses a break, and focus on welcoming more love and kindness into *your* life!