Shouldn't FOG be FOAG ?

ploughthrough2021 · March 22, 2021, 01:55:51 AM

I am a new member and really appreciating this site as it is helping me going through my struggles. However, my first impression of the name is that it is missing an 'A' for Anger. Yes, over the last 30 years (25 years of which married) with my uNPDW, I have experienced Fear, Obligation, Guilt but also Anger. Anger that I could have done so much more with my life. Anger that I had to cut contact with my friends, anger that I have spent less time with my relatives (mother, sisters, cousins, nephews and niece), anger that my relationship with our kids (me have 3 who are now in their teens) are not what I had envisioned and many other things... Anybody else agree or disagree ?

Frankie14 · March 22, 2021, 07:36:22 AM

Agree with the we have a lot of anger, staying with the PD has cost us dearly in every way, yes literally stealing our lives..but..

Anger doesn't keep you from becoming enmeshed with your PD, like Fear, Obligation and Guilt do..

Anger can motivate you to finally leave, but Fear keeps you quiet and stuck, Obligation keeps you stuck with your PD, guilt keeps you stuck with your PD..

Just my 2 cents..

Starboard Song · March 22, 2021, 10:05:26 AM

Oh yeah, the anger is real. And so I respect your observation. But -- though I know you weren't suggesting a new name for this forum, there are good reasons why it is FOG and not FOAG.

Fear, Obligation, and Guilt are the feelings that may be directly imparted to people by a toxic person in their life. We fear repercussions. We think we are obligated to meet their standards or needs. And we feel guilt when we underperform in their eyes. And none of those three are valid.

Anger is different. Anger is very much a secondary emotion. We get angry, but it isn't the thing itself. We are angry about an injustice, or a mistruth, or an unfair treatment. And those feelings of anger are never themselves invalid. We encourage people to live through their anger and process it, not end it or push it away.

We all seek to be Out of the FOG. And when you are no longer fearful, obligated, or guilt-ridden, you may remain angry for some long time at what you have experienced. And respecting that anger, while processing it, is an important part of health.

Be good. Be strong.

1footouttadefog · March 24, 2021, 02:22:51 AM

It has been my understanding that

F.O.G. is fear, obligation and guilt.

These are things that PD people use to manipulate and abuse others.

Once we are aware of the fear, obligation, and guilt in our lives that is the result of abuse, manipulation from others we can then find our way Out of the FOG.

We may feel all manner of things while becoming aware of FOG and moving iut of the FOG.

Anger is often felt sometimes in an overwelming amount during these processes.

Pepin · March 24, 2021, 05:57:51 PM

SO true! I think that anger is one result of fear, obligation and guilt and is what propels us to change. I have felt so much anger over the years at my situation. At times it has provided me with the clarity to finally set a boundary. With NF, I have moved on from anger but I was livid for years. It took a very long time to heal from his abuse and now I just look back on everything he dished out as pathetic. PDmil and DH on the other hand, I am still in their circus trying to get out so I am not much of a happy person. My anger drives me to seek solutions....I am not there yet enough.

Aeon · April 06, 2021, 02:43:22 PM

Thanks to everyone here talking about how angry they are or were. I've become so nearly constantly angry began to think that was going to be my natural state now while I'm with the unpdH and unpdMom. I see my life being stolen by both of them and not a moment of caring about it.
I can't leave right now but I think there's a lot of truth to the anger creating some real thinking about what to do - it's disturbing to experience but that realization has made me think about the damage that living this way can cause.

Pepin · April 06, 2021, 06:49:33 PM

I had a lightbulb moment today doing some inner work about anger. I am angry because as a CPTSD survivor (like many of us here), I thought I could change the toxic people somehow -- or that they would magically change....so I would be living in a constant state of anger, which is normal when we are in the process of change. With this realization, now there is no anger. With this realization, I am able to create space and step away from the madness of the thoughts that are going around and around inside my head. The toxic people in our lives WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! SO let them go. Let them all go. They have no room inside our heads. Only we should be inside of our heads, saying nice and good things to ourselves. Hope this helps....huge weight lifted today for me. Don't let your husband and mom steal your joy. For me, no more NF or PDmil (and sometimes DH) stealing my joy. To h*ll with them.

Lauren17 · April 07, 2021, 08:25:29 AM

I recently read a YA fantasy series. It was pretty entertaining and had all these gentle life lessons. In one scene, a teenage character is told that anger is a gift. Anger is telling you that someone isn't treating you right.
Such a simple and powerful idea! I was raised to believe that anger was a wrong and shameful emotion and to stifle it.
I think that anger follows FOG. It's yourself trying to tell you the treatment you're experiencing is wrong.

1footouttadefog · April 07, 2021, 06:24:52 PM

I agree that anger is a sign of need for change.

On the other hand I will admit that I have at time become angry when a circumstance illuminated my own weakness.

At those times I have to adult and act graciously while in the presence of others and wait to lick my wounds later.

Boat Babe · April 08, 2021, 04:11:04 AM

Quote from: Lauren17 on April 07, 2021, 08:25:29 AM
I recently read a YA fantasy series. It was pretty entertaining and had all these gentle life lessons. In one scene, a teenage character is told that anger is a gift. Anger is telling you that someone isn't treating you right.
Such a simple and powerful idea! I was raised to believe that anger was a wrong and shameful emotion and to stifle it.
I think that anger follows FOG. It's yourself trying to tell you the treatment you're experiencing is wrong.

Empie2204 · April 08, 2021, 02:49:31 PM

For me anger has a curative effect. While it lasts, my reasoning is limited, but after it ends, it feels like after the storm. Things are clearer.
Besides, and it´s also my experience, I didn´t feel so much anger while I was in the middle of the FOG. I was not able to be angry as long as I was in fear. Now when I am able to feel anger, there is no fear.

1footouttadefog · April 09, 2021, 09:57:21 AM

When in flight or fight survival mode we are often numb to our emotions and emotional needs.

It's at times when we are less traumatized or aroused by fear and drama, that we process our emotions.

If often hurts more before it gets better when one is in the path to healing.

Seeing it as a sign of healing and improvement can make the burden lighter.