Re: Is this gaslighting?

[Palepinkpeony]

——-if anyone reads this, I seem to have gotten myself into another pickle. I'm also worrying that I may be the problem. What does normal even look like?

I'm a 36F, living in Texas. I am over 6 years out from my ex-uNPDh. I have invested so much time working on myself, learning to love myself, boundaries, educating myself on PD behaviors, etc. I truly felt I may be able to attract a healthier non-pd.

I finally got back out into the dating scene and met a widower(13years older than me). He was married for 25 years and they appeared to have the perfect life and marriage. He has a son and daughter, both are grown, married and have children of their own. His daughter is extremely angry and upset that he is moving forward. The son has been supportive and understanding.

He and the daughter are no longer speaking at the moment because of his decision to date. She has been hateful to us both and he has been somewhat hateful back to her at times (which I've chalked up to their intense feelings of loss).

His son tries to be the peacemaker, but also stay out of it all a bit. So do I.

In the beginning he talked about his LW(late wife) often and we would visit her grave regularly. I have been in the sticky situation of wanting to be supportive, but also a priority in his life.

Overall he has been so adoring and loving to me. Complimenting me endlessly, always telling me how gorgeous I am and sending my bouquets of flowers and chocolate covered strawberries. He has just seemed perfect for me. I've felt so loved and cherished.

...until recently. I don't know if I am just panicking, because of my past experience or if he is starting to show signs of uPD.

We had an experience that felt uncomfortable for me and I gently brought it up, at first he was responsive and sweet, but when I didn't immediately get over it, he became extremely defensive and started to DARVO. He then ignored me for two full days and wanted to talk about how hurt he was by the situation.

This has of course brought up a lot of old feelings, and I am feeling sick to my stomach.

The silent treatment is something I've experienced with him about 4-5 times now, whenever he is upset about anything. He gets very depressed and ignores me. I've told him that it really hurts to be ignored and asked if he could please just let me know if he needs a break and when he will come back.

I am questioning myself and wondering if either
1-I'm over-reacting.
2-If this is somewhat normal with relationships, and I'm just not used to that.
3-If I am actually the problem and causing this.
Or 4-If this is starting to sound like PD behavior.

Thank you for reading and helping me sort this out.

[moglow]

He and the daughter are no longer speaking at the moment because of his decision to date. She has been hateful to us both ... In the beginning he talked about his LW(late wife) often and we would visit her grave regularly...

Consider how long ago their loss may have been [and how long you've been seeing each other] - Are they both/all still very much grieving the loss and simply not ready for dad to be in a relationship? Is HE ready for one, i.e. is he making endless comparisons and/or references to his late wife? Is he expecting you to somehow step into her shoes and be who she was?

It's not uncommon for those left behind to idolize their loved one, paint them to be the perfect human. We know that's not reality. She may have been incredibly tolerant and very simply never stood up for herself or he could be lost and confused on how to navigate this whole being single again. Taking you to visit her grave regularly ... Not for me thanks. It sounds like he may need more time with that whole situation rather than putting himself into a relationship.

But silent treatment? DARVO over what I'm guessing was a difference of opinion? Sure he's hurt by a presumably difficult conversation, as were you. Shutting down and shutting the other person out doesn't help anyone, but he doesn't have to be PD to exhibit certain behaviors. You're the best gauge you have - you know what works for you and what you just cant or won't do again. It doesn't have to be all or nothing either way but if he's insisting that's the way it must be, perhaps you should pay attention.

[Palepinkpeony]

Excellent advice and thought provoking questions from you user and MG. I have wondered about the timing of his beginning to date also, he assures me constantly that he is ready and that he spent a year and a half grieving. I believe his son has dealt with his in his own way and of course will always be sad and experience some level of grief. His daughter is not seeking counseling and absolutely still grieving. 

He went to a grief group and saw the group counselor privately as well for what sounds like a good amount of time. It is very uncomfortable visiting the wife's grave and hearing about her all of the time. I have set some boundaries with him regarding wanting to have our own relationship and not forever including the LW. 

user, your observation about it being a red-flag with him saying everything was perfect, was interesting and I don't know how I didn't pick up on that! -I appreciate the reminder that it would indeed be healthier to hear that, as with all things, there are good and bad parts/ups and downs in relationships. 

I've been asking myself why we always want to know if they are a PD or not, and I realized today. At least for me, it would help to decipher through the crazy-making and if we had that "for sure" knowledge, then we would know what is happy and could more easily take action. 

Wondering if we might just be overthinking, or if we are the problem is what gets us stuck. 

I just don't want to be over reaching, if it's my past experiences that are actually talking. Does that make sense?

[SaddleBagger]

For me the silent treatment is concerning. This was one of my ex's most frequently used weapons. I know that its very painful. But I realize there can be different reasons people do it. It's possible that it isn't a manipulation on his part. Men in particular have difficulty if they're hurt to express it and may just "go quiet."
However, it should be a reasonable amount of time AND he should be able to discuss it once things settle.

A suggestion. When he's in that state don't press him on it as it will only make it worse. Do not hound him to communicate, tell you what he's feeling or anything like that. A simple message of letting him know you're available should suffice. Then, be patient. Take the opportunity to go catch your breath. Do things that benefit you, make you happy. Know that once he comes round you'll be able to discuss it then and if he doesn't come around then you have your answer.
When you discuss it keep your questions open and non accusatory. "I miss you when you go quiet. I feel uncertain about what is happening. I want to support you, how do I do this when you go quiet? Can you tell me what's happening for you when you stop communicating?" If he denies it, minimizes it, blames you, etc. Then you have your answer.

If he's not certain why he does it then there could be some deeper issues that he will have to figure out. You'll have to decide what you can tolerate until he does.

[1footouttadefog]

I see alot of red flags.  You don't have to diagnose someone to know there are uncomfortable dynamics.

I personally would not get involved with someone who had adult kid issues especially of I was being identifide as the cause.  I just don't see a need to borrow drama from another family by dating someone when there are pla ty of folks who get along with their adult kids.

The grave visits are strange to me.  You did not know his wife. Did he buy a new nature's and gather things out of the room yet? I would not want to date someone who had not moved on yet. 

It's all up to you this either works for you or ot does not.  It does not matter of he has a diagnosable issue or not.  It's all about if you find the relationship fulfilling or not.

The purpose of dating is to see if someone is a match or not for a more committed relationship. Seemingly one would discontinue dating if it's not a match.  You are not under any obligation to fix or male this work if there are things you don't like.