Enough energy to complain and get angry but now enough energy to change somethin

[Prototypian]

So this one is about my uOCPD S/O.   I've highlighted the hoarding, control etc.   But I've actually been awakened to a fact that when I do make a change in something, there is always the explosive and there is a lingering and eternal passive aggressive list of snide comments and complaints but there is not enough effort to take my change apart (most of the time).   An example is beginning to file my own medical records, throw away my own mail (stupid credit card applications or marketing for window replacements-common garbage) or maintain my reimbursements for business expenses or bills to clients.  She went nuts!   Still is furious when I bought a small cheap wicker teondrawyer file basket for my office and began keeping this stuff and throwing away things that were clearly garbage.   There is some passive aggressive on my part that I also bought a very fast shredder that reduces the mail to confetti so it's a point of no return.  But I have let her know that I don't want things that are addressed to me that I seem trash and are not part of household bills or other documents (they're mine, not tax or financial or household related and I seem them garbage) to come back in the house.   This kind of thing always did get fished out of the trash and come back "just in case" and I don't like that.   Anyway, she complains about that file thing all the time letting me know I could lose thjngs or wigt concern that the stuff won't be accessible but at least it's not in the multi feet tall piles in the living room, kitchen, bedroom or what she calls an office.

The same thing happened yesterday: as the piles of magazines and nearly three years of wall street journal paper edition keep falling over in the living room (seriously, we have three years of daily paper kept in case she needs to cut out an article despite the Google search function with a subscription) I bought a legitimate store-kiosk magazine rack made of heavy wire that has three tiers.   It looks fine, we have a home library in that house and it goes in the corner without blocking anything and it's not a glaring problem with the decor.   I then took the WSJ back one month total and layered it with oldest at bottom on the bottom shelf.   Then the magazines back 5-6 months on the next shelf and finally the grocery ads, local crap and the few catalogs that still exist on the top shelf.   And I'll confess, if the grocery ads were out of date I put them in recycling.   I put the older magazines by date in banker boxes and the same thing with the piles of WSJ.   The dust was immense and getting to that part of the floor is an amazing  thing for me and the kids!   I just moved the stuff into another part of the attic.

There was a gasp and then crying when she saw it.   She was so deeply concerned the stuff was gone and made me show it to her and she yelled and was very very upset.   She thinks the wire rack looks horrible and doesn't want to have to go into the library to find her things when she needs them.

BUT!   She didn't change anything, complained this morning in amean way asking "so do I have permission to carefully file this WSJ?" But she isn't changing it!   

I've learned something.   

[square]

You are a HERO.

I really admire that.

You have one month before the coaches come. I wonder what you can do with this knowledge and strength.

[1footouttadefog]

It's called an extinction burst or something like that.

Basically a temper tantrum at losing some control.  A pd will often ramp up their favorite coping mechanisms as part of the extinction burst, often followed by floundering to other less used mechanisms.  This often followed by acceptance of a new normal. 

We are having a lot of new normals.  As I am increasingly parentified I feel less need to make decisions jointly.  If my pdh wanted more input he would mKe more effort to act like an adult and participate and work at making things happen. 

[Mary]

This is very intetesting. I've had a recent experience that I think relates. My uPDh was mad that I chose to host a business event for a business I own but he hates/is jealous of. He demanded to know who I had planned it with. Then he assumed I had planned the event with one of my friens. From there he demanded that I cut off the friendship. I didn't back down, so he called for a meeting with the pastor to ask if biblically I should have to obey him and cut off my friend. The pastor told him that's not the way to win your wife back. Since then, he has surprisingly backed off the issue. It was like you said, a tantrum. He's still withdrawn emotionally which is hard, but I'm dealing with it and expecting the angst to pass sooner or later.