Walking ahead of me

Lauren17 · May 06, 2021, 09:12:44 AM

We've had posts before about our PDs walking slightly ahead of us. The family recently went out of town for several days and I observed some interesting things.
The first days, H had decided that we were back to being a couple. He was opening doors, responding to me, offering his jacket when I was cold, etc. he was also walking right next to me.
Then, he pushed against a boundary, I said "no" and he started walking slightly ahead of me.
He pushed on boundaries again. I held firm. He started walking 2-3 feet ahead of me.
By the end of the trip, he was carefully staying about 12 feet ahead of me. (I measured it against all the social distancing markers on the ground)
Before, I always thought it was his social anxiety that made him move so quickly and he would forget about me. This trip, more than once, he turned, looked me in the eye, and then sped up.
If he got too much further ahead, he would pause and wait until I was about 12 feet away again and then take off.
It was so clear that the amount of distance changed based on how he was feeling about me. And it was completely intentional.
Just wanted to share my observations with you all. Have you seen similar behavior?

losingmyself · May 06, 2021, 01:37:54 PM

Yup. Absolutely. Also, while he is waiting for me to catch up, he's tapping his toe. Like, "Come on..."
And I'm so f-ing slow...
I will not run to keep up.

SeaBreeze · May 06, 2021, 02:49:07 PM

Yes. When he's mad, aggressive, or both, uNPDh will walk waay ahead of me. If he's sullen, pouting, and acting more passive-aggressive, he loiters waay behind. I've noticed moreso his speed changes than intentional distance, but it's frustrating and controlling behavior regardless. I've recently stopped keeping up with him when he does this, and I have even sprinted off or veered a different direction to distance MYSELF from him! (Surprisingly this has not triggered his rage, but I know that approach may not work for everyone in this situation.)

IcedCoffee · May 06, 2021, 04:29:50 PM

My father always used to walk about 12 feet in front of my mother and us when we were children. He was a strange man. Over the years I've tried to "diagnose" him, but I've really no clue.

SparkStillLit · May 06, 2021, 09:00:53 PM

SeaBreeze 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm doing that next time.

JustKeepTrying · May 06, 2021, 10:50:04 PM

Wow, I had no idea. I always thought it was my short legs but this was problem every time we went for a walk. Always a few steps ahead. Never paced himself with me - I was always slow. And he would distance himself if I didn't agree or would keep a boundary. Eye opener here

Hazy111 · May 07, 2021, 05:54:26 AM

Yup. 1 Lack of empathy/world of their own. 2 Passive aggressive attack. 3 Embarrassed to be seen with you.

Mix and match to suit your PD.

Can all be excused with "you're too slow"

Once you know the tell tales, you cant unsee them.

blunk · May 07, 2021, 06:35:44 AM

Wow, I never thought about this, but bpdxh and I used to do a lot of hiking. If he took the lead, I would have trouble keeping up and he would complain that I was soooo slow. I sort of accepted this, since he was close to a foot taller than me, I just joked about my short legs and didn't think much of it. So, the next time we went, he would have me take the lead, and I would look back to see that he was way behind. He would then complain that I was in such a hurry...even though both times I felt like I was being consistent in my speed.

SonofThunder · May 07, 2021, 07:09:53 AM

#superiority
#control
#commanding

The person in the rear is #subordinate

SoT

blew · May 09, 2021, 07:51:27 AM

She always gets to the car ahead of me and grabs the door handle, as if my only job is to immediately hit the fob and unlock the vehicle. When walking, yes, this has been happening for years. She claims she is "just a fast walker," but I've always known, inherently, that it's something else. Thanks to this thread, I can now put it together with all the other "tells" of the OCPD. A related thing happens in stores, malls and other public spaces. She'll just "go off" and leave me behind, as if I'm not there. This is never a "I'll be over in the dairy area" (which I'm guessing normal people do) - she just disappears. Last year, per-Covid, I lost her on a very crowded pedestrian pier for a half hour or more. When we finally connected again, there was no apology, in fact, as I recall, it was a "I thought you saw me go over there...." kinda thing. Never their fault. Ever.

Free2Bme · May 09, 2021, 10:31:53 AM

On one hand this is like the behavior of a petulant child, but when coming from a spouse/parent it is intentionally demeaning and oppositional.

I sincerely believe this is a form of operant conditioning, or "training". Looking back, I realize so much of my updxh's behavior was purposed to train me.

My H had his variations on this theme. We would be out somewhere in two cars , he'd say "I'll follow you home", then he would purposely drive very, very slow. At first I thought it was me (like everything else), I adjusted my speed to below the speed limit, he still lagged behind. Who the hell knows why.

When touring university (in our city) for DD he was mad that day. He made a big stink saying he would not attend, then it changed to he was not riding together in same car (me, him, her). DD and I drove separately and met at campus. The entire 3 hour tour and presentation he would not walk near us, and sat at a different table during the speil, acted like we weren't his family. He made derogatory comments to both of us during event. DD was so stressed that she had a full blown panic attack.

It's all about punishing people that don't fall in line.

JustKeepTrying · May 09, 2021, 03:40:28 PM

To chime in, in response to the enlightening posts by blew and Free2Bme - huh. Until we each had a cell phone, I dreaded going shopping even as simple as the grocery with my OCPDxh. We would enter the store and as soon as I would be distracted by a child or whatever, he would go off and I know now it was quick and i would spend the remainder of the visit looking for him. Sometimes for an hour. When we would finally find him, he would say something like "I thought you knew . . ." You right it was conditioning. Never was I warned or told ' I"ll be over there. Or let's meet here. In amusement parks I would stop the whole family and make a plan knowing that I would loose my ex at some point and ruin the day looking for him. Of course, neither of us had cell phones only one per the whole family and he would carry it.

And that whole not wanting to go on a family outing thing - my kids never saw it but I never really knew if he would go. Even on big family vacations. It was always a guess if he would go and he would grumble, pout, argue and fight right up until I was seated in the car. Leaving for church or school event, we would wait at the bottom of the steps and he would show up suddenly and say - I'll be quick. You know how fast I am. Just be a minute and dash up the steps to shower and change. Fifteen minutes later while none of us could go anywhere but sit and wait, he would appear and say "see that wasn't so bad." You try keeping three children quiet and entertained in good clothes for fifteen minutes!

Ugh, Happy Mother's Day to me.

Fae Greenwood · May 09, 2021, 03:52:39 PM

This has been a regular complaint for years. It's actually on the checklist I prepared for him a few years ago which was of course completely ignored. I finally began to mirror his behavior a few years ago by simply moving off by myself in public places and he's been beside himself which is too bad. Also if I do walk in front of him, even briefly as in walking through a doorway, he's likely to "accidentally" kick my foot or step on my shoe heell. I just noticed that last week.

Lauren17 · May 10, 2021, 08:49:03 AM

Thanks to everyone for their replies. F2B, I agree 100% that it's a training technique. This was the first time I'd seen it so clearly tied to his feelings. From "I'm happy with you Lauren, you may have the pleasure of my company today." To "Bad Lauren, stay back!" (Not that he actually said that)
I never realized the driving thing. More than once, I've been asked to follow him somewhere in the car, he takes off, runs yellow lights, and loses me on traffic. Then when we arrive at our destination, he says what a terrible driver I am and how I don't understand the concept of flowing someone.
The grocery store! H will say he's going to get the milk and take off with the shopping cart. 15 minutes later, I'm looking for him while juggling a bag of potatoes, a bag of apples, 3 blocks of cheese and pack of bacon. Finally learned to get two carts.

Free2Bme · May 10, 2021, 09:42:44 AM

It is good to hear all of your experiences surrounding this bizarre set of behaviors, comforting to know I'm not crazy or alone in this.

I had another situation that came to mind involving my sister, where I was accused of walking ahead.
The Hx: We were not raised together, had never met until we were late 30's. (She's my full bio sis, but was given for adoption at birth because our mother was 16) So, we reunited after many years and both were happy to have gained a sister. It became apparent to me that she had some issues with abandonment and identity. Her behavior would change in a moment and she would spiral. At the time I knew nothing about PD, looking back I think she has markers for BPD.

Once, we planned to meet in a city, stay for two nights, go to dinner, and have sister time. We parked and were walking on the city street several blocks to the restaurant. After stopping at an intersection, looking both ways, I stepped off the curb to cross assuming she was crossing with me. There were no cars/traffic, but she stayed behind as I crossed. When I got to the other side, I waited for her to cross. Suddenly, she had morphed and was clearly upset. I asked her what was wrong, she accused me of leaving her behind on the street and walking ahead of her. I explained that I thought she was right behind me. She accused me of 'walking ahead of her and trying to leave her on the street', wth?

The take away- she orchestrated the entire event beginning to end. She chose not to cross, and when I crossed I guess it triggered her abandonment feelings, then she accused me so I would reassure her that I was not abandoning her. However, it didn't really go down like that because I was really pissed. I did tell her it was not my intention to 'leave her on the corner', but I didn't have anything to apologize for. I told her I did not appreciate the way she tried to manipulate the situation, caused conflict and that I didn't want to take on the role of constantly reassuring her of my intentions, love, etc. She could not handle this level of honesty and continues to play these games. She is self aware enough and says she knows she does these things in all her relationships, but makes no effort at personal growth. That was almost 10 years ago and we don't have much of a relationship now, sadly.

I'm not a T, but it seems like she had a fear, wanted it to be validated, created the scenario to support her fear. Although I am sympathetic to a person who is suffering and wanting to feel loved/valued, I think that PD persons are willing to sacrifice any relationship on the alter of their driving need for reassurance, supply, control, whatever. They create the thing they fear the most by driving people away.

SonofThunder · May 11, 2021, 06:18:54 AM

Quote from: Free2Bme on May 10, 2021, 09:42:44 AM
It is good to hear all of your experiences surrounding this bizarre set of behaviors, comforting to know I'm not crazy or alone in this.

I had another situation that came to mind involving my sister, where I was accused of walking ahead.
The Hx: We were not raised together, had never met until we were late 30's. (She's my full bio sis, but was given for adoption at birth because our mother was 16) So, we reunited after many years and both were happy to have gained a sister. It became apparent to me that she had some issues with abandonment and identity. Her behavior would change in a moment and she would spiral. At the time I knew nothing about PD, looking back I think she has markers for BPD.

Once, we planned to meet in a city, stay for two nights, go to dinner, and have sister time. We parked and were walking on the city street several blocks to the restaurant. After stopping at an intersection, looking both ways, I stepped off the curb to cross assuming she was crossing with me. There were no cars/traffic, but she stayed behind as I crossed. When I got to the other side, I waited for her to cross. Suddenly, she had morphed and was clearly upset. I asked her what was wrong, she accused me of leaving her behind on the street and walking ahead of her. I explained that I thought she was right behind me. She accused me of 'walking ahead of her and trying to leave her on the street', wth?

The take away- she orchestrated the entire event beginning to end. She chose not to cross, and when I crossed I guess it triggered her abandonment feelings, then she accused me so I would reassure her that I was not abandoning her. However, it didn't really go down like that because I was really pissed. I did tell her it was not my intention to 'leave her on the corner', but I didn't have anything to apologize for. I told her I did not appreciate the way she tried to manipulate the situation, caused conflict and that I didn't want to take on the role of constantly reassuring her of my intentions, love, etc. She could not handle this level of honesty and continues to play these games. She is self aware enough and says she knows she does these things in all her relationships, but makes no effort at personal growth. That was almost 10 years ago and we don't have much of a relationship now, sadly.

I'm not a T, but it seems like she had a fear, wanted it to be validated, created the scenario to support her fear. Although I am sympathetic to a person who is suffering and wanting to feel loved/valued, I think that PD persons are willing to sacrifice any relationship on the alter of their driving need for reassurance, supply, control, whatever. They create the thing they fear the most by driving people away.

Free2BMe, I agree with you 100% on your analysis of the situation. My uPDw of 30 years has done that exact thing to me many times, and each time, I experience contempt and silent treatment afterwards. Then later (months), my uPDw will desire to 'talk' (always she accuses, I medium-chill and simply agree to disagree) and bring up a prior incident(s), such as the street crossing, to state to me how much I only think about myself/don't care for her...... "Sorry you feel that way".

SoT

Cascade · May 11, 2021, 10:07:32 AM

My husband walks ahead of me almost all the time, even when he is not upset with me, and I am not a slow walker. And when we used to do grocery shopping together, he'd disappear too but he always left me with the cart so I just continued shopping. When he leaves our house for any reason, he doesn't say a word to me about leaving 90% of the time. When our children were young, we spent a lot of time waiting for my husband to be ready to go anyway.

1footouttadefog · May 15, 2021, 01:54:12 PM

Mine likes to leave me behind at the store. Darting here and there grabbing things that only benifit him.

If he went ahead and grabbed milk and dog food so I did not have to go to those aisles it would be useful. Oh well.

chowder · May 15, 2021, 04:51:35 PM

My H used to walk ahead of me on occasion, until he realized that eventually he had to stop and wait for me to catch up...which took the same amount of time as if he had walked with me anyway. Other times he would get a bit ahead, and then have to slow down to my pace, while we still walked at the same pace a few feet apart...because if he continued at his own pace, he would walk on out of sight. And again, it was not a time saver. I found this demeaning, and would slow down purposely to try to get the point across that it was not acceptable to be treated like that.

He finally "gets" it that it serves no purpose, and if we're working on other issues, being together in this scenario means something. We might actually lock arms walking down the block or crossing the street.
Amazing the things we have to point out.