Discard Phase

[Hilltop]

Hi I was wondering if anyone could tell me if this is the discard phase.  Late last year into the beginning of this year I took some time out and now I only text my mother on some holidays and birthdays and that's it.  I have no contact with my father as all communication goes through my mother.  I have no contact with my sibling. Life for me is less stressful and I finally feel at peace with the situation.

My mother has taken it upon herself to start calling my mother in law and my husband to get the extra information she needs for her gossip and that's annoying but I've learned to switch off from it.  I can't control other people.  Its also shown me that my mother really does only care about the gossip.  She isn't the least bit concerned that we don't actually speak.  I acknowledge that that's hurtful but that its also the way things have always been and won't change.  So for me walking away has given me peace.  Part of me also thinks my mother would be worried that I am talking poorly about her behind her back as that's what she does with me so she has been sugary sweet to my mother in law. 

I also think its a way of her showing me that she doesn't need me, that she can get her information without me and she no longer texts me, she just goes through other people.   She doesn't ever bother to call or email and no more texts, she has been ringing up my mother in law though, gets whatever information and that's it.  Is this a discard phase?  She can't be bothered talking with me but still needs her information.

As for me its more a curiosity for me.  I don't want the communication with them and have finally accepted the relationships for what they are.  I don't miss them. That has a given me peace but I feel like this is what being discarded is although I'm not sure.  Has anyone gone through this?

[nanotech]

I've gone through it over the last ten years, Well, all of my life actually, but I was in the fog.  Nowadays it's with my siblings rather than my parents.
My mum passed on. The whole family used to operate through mum (BPD) so lots of triangulation and manipulation went on. I was scapegoated a lot  and would carry the family emotion and guilt that  way.
I went  into  therapy a decade ago and have come Out of the FOG.
The sibs have been desperate to draw me back in so they can still pretend they are in a normal family. I'm crucial to that illusion, and atm I'm MIA. Always Will Be.

When mum was living, everything was conditional. My  parents would discard me every time I tried to unenmesh myself.

Sibs are quiet right now. I've learned to welcome the peace and calm. Though on some days, I swear I can hear them breathing. When I feel like that, I practice some  self- care.
There will always be a sense of sadness over what could have been. But the sadness eases, and  anyway is preferable over the extreme hurt and anguish caused by those consistently unhealthy relationships.
Like your family, mine just want to know the gossip.
They are blocked from my SM. The last few phonecalls and  texts were ones where I began to place boundaries.
So my sibs dropped contact, probably in the expectation that I would ' come to my senses'  and allow them once more to boundary - trample.

I held steady.
It wasn't easy.

It was very hard for me to accept that they only wanted the crazy, head- mangling drama dances, that they had no desire just to hear my voice, have a laugh, see how I was ?
I felt an emptiness at first. It's the trauma bonding.
I'd been addicted, even to the pain and hurt.
They all absolutely loathe the lack of access to my social media, which they've made clear through flying monkeys. 
They want to know about my life for the purposes of gossip. 
So.... I'm punished by what I think they think is the silent treatment. For me it's simply proof that the relationships were conditional to begin with.
Not
Real
Bonds. 
So yes, it's probably her attempt at a discard. But like me, you haven't responded to that by seeking approval/ acceptance.
So...... it sort of hangs there. They have no idea what to do when first we drop the rope. But that isn't our problem.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hilltop I am happy to see that life is less stressful and you have peace with the situation. Good for you.
   
What I thought as reading was perhaps she found a work-around to get what she needed, to be on the inside track of what is going on with you, to be able to tell people about you so it appears she is close and all is "normal". I wondered if there was also an aspect of feeling entitled to this information, so using people as tools to get what they want is alright. Maybe you specifically are not needed for this purpose, as they now have other methods?     

As far as a discard, maybe it is. Sometimes I feel like they never completely "discard" because even at VLC they still have an avenue to hurl hatred and that is too valuable to let go. As already posted, I also think they do not know what to do when we drop the rope, and sometimes their "silent treatment" is perhaps their go-to response and makes them feel like they are one-upping us.   

[Leonor]

Hi Hilltop,

I'm sorry your mom is so horrible. It just sounds so painful to have to hear about her trying to get information about you from others close to you.

What your mom is doing isn't really a discard, because she's still trying to engage you in the drama. She's bugging your mil and dh because that way you know for dang sure that she's still around. She's trying to get to you.

Discards are not all that common unless your m is way narcissistic, because dysfunctional families are all fused and enmeshed. It's impossible for them to conceive of you as an independent person

With the discard, you and yours simply cease to exist for them. They just wipe you from their mental hard drive. That's what my mom did, and it's been 13 *years* since I heard from her or any relative of hers in any way.

It sucks, but I actually prefer it to the manipulation and gaslighting and all around bs your mom is up to. That makes me anxious just thinking about it, and I'm so sorry.

You can ask your dh to help hold those boundaries for you and refuse her calls, you know. He's on Team Hilltop, and while you can't control your mom, you can ask for support from your life partner. He'll be glad to help you and feel protective of you.

Sometimes it's hard for us to imagine that people can help us, can stand by us, can take our side for a change.

What would that feel like, to have dh answer, "Sorry, I'm not able to take your calls, mil"? To feel like he has your back 100 percent, and not have to withstand the constant invasion if privacy?

Being strong does not mean "standing it." It doesn't mean "taking it." It can mean "not taking it," too.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hmm

I think its hard to say... and I agree with the others who say maybe it is a form of discard phase.

I think it is helpful to know what phase our narc is in because as we know-  when there is a full discard then that can lead to more peace. because they leave us alone.

Pumping your other family members for info isn't really leaving you alone. It's hard to know if they will keep doing or fade away, or if they will cycle back into "gaslighting the flying monkeys" phase.

If she is sweet to your MIL that sound like love bombing.

From what you say they are not coming to you for info about you anymore but they still want that info. To me a full discard is when they move away from us and move on to new people to suck emotional supply from. They discard us because they decide to get narc supply elsewhere.

In my FOO when someone is fully discarded the narcs don't want to hear about them anymore.

But others can chime in here because maybe that might just be one type of discard. All i know is there is some real peace when I know they have gotten to the point where they have forgotten about me.

Given how dysfunctional my narc FOO are the discard feels like freedom. Sounds like you are feeling that freedom too.

You are likely right that she wants to find out what you are saying about her. That is something a lot of narcs get obsessed with I think. I've had a lot of narcs try to pump me for such info over the years. It's a thing they do. It's part of their insecurity.

Trees

[blues_cruise]

Yeah, I had similar behaviour from F when we were at very low contact. He seemed to develop an attitude of "I'm not getting my own way, so I can't be bothered anymore". I'd ring him and then he'd not make any effort to make a return phone call to stay in touch, or he'd arrange to come see me and then pretend to forget so that I was left waiting in for him and unable to get on with my day. I think he took my boundaries as the ultimate affront, so it was like he was trying to teach me a lesson and be as awkward as possible. When I went full no contact after getting fed up with his behaviour he then played the doting father who was desperate to get in touch with his daughter and just could not get hold of her(!) So many mind games. 

I think you're right, Hilltop. Your mother's behaviour and attitude speaks volumes about her real priorities. Discard or not, she's being disrespectful and not making any meaningful effort to connect with you. Involving other people and using them for information on you rather than communicating with you directly seems to be a thing, when we were VLC my father would do exactly the same. I think it probably served to fuel his narrative/delusion of being supposedly unable to reach me, thus garnering sympathy. I'm really glad that you've managed to find some peace by walking away from it all.

[Hilltop]

So it definitely doesn't seem to be discard but simply a way of her getting what she wants without having to bother herself with me.  I know she has smeared me in the past and most likely she would be also saying that she has a good relationship with MIL and DH and thus creating her own narrative that its all me.  Or also maybe to appear that all is normal. It appears this type of behaviour is normal though - well for them.

I did feel a twinge of annoyance at these mind games but I am going to keep walking away.  It says everything that they are more concerned with getting gossip than having an actual relationship.

[SeaBreeze]

I once went 3 years NC with my late uNPDm. In turn, she apparently discarded me during that time. (...)

This was the same time that I left my first uNPDh and ceased contact with his entire PD family. My mom and ex-MIL (both uNPD, go figure) absolutely **hated** each other. But wouldn't you know... it got back to me that those two became the best of pals during the NC years. Supposedly over their mutual "concern" for their grandchildren (um, I was protecting my kids from them!)  But mostly they just talked smack about me. After a.) I resumed contact with my mom and b.) Allowed ex-uNPDh to take the kids to see his family, my mom and ex-MIL suddenly hated each other again, and never spoke to one another again.

Very telling indeed, the avenues PDs will take to obtain information and gain any sort of foothold in our lives. So yes, it could be a discard phase. Or it could be your mother is in her own world and in denial that you have gone NC. She clearly wants to get her information fix, while using your MIL as a flying monkey of sorts.