A weight descending

[wisingup]

Background - uBPDm just moved out of her sister's house into an apartment by herself.  She now lives about 30 minutes from either myself or my brother, right in the middle.  She's 83 & has been having memory issues.  She's also stressed from not knowing her way around, unfamiliar grocery store, changing doctors etc.  I get it - it's not an easy transition at her age.

So she called today, having a health episode.  She was in a panic - having chills & shaking.  Practically crying & hyperventilating on the phone.  DH and I cancelled everything on our work schedules and rushed to take her to urgent care.  By the time we got there, she was calm, still shaking just a bit.

Got to urgent care - long story short, they couldn't find anything wrong.  But while she was in the restroom, the doctor asked me about her medications, including the Alzheimers drugs she is on.  Hmmm, she never told us she was diagnosed with Alzheimers or given medication for it.  She told the nurse who took her history that those pills were for "dizziness". 

The doctor gave me a bit of a stern lecture about needing to keep up with her meds.  I mentioned that mom & I are kind of on the outs and not close.  Too bad, from the doctor's perspective.  She needs help and I must give it.

And she does need help.  I get it.  I am happy and willing to do whatever is required, if only I could avoid interacting with her 

We had to spend over an hour alone in a tiny exam room waiting for nurses & doctors to do their thing.  Just like riding in a car with her  when I was a kid, she fills that time with stream-of-consciousness chatter involving gossip, complaints, intrusive questioning, cringy statements and stories.  At least in the car I could check out and look out the window.  In this tiny room, I felt so trapped.  And so judged by the doctor to just get over myself & take care of my mom. 

So much to unpack from today:

• Mom has Alzheimer's - this is just going to progress from here
• She either doesn't understand or is just in denial about the diagnosis
• I may well need to put off my retirement for some period to pay for a facility for her
• I'm going to continue to encounter judgy doctors who don't understand why I don't want to touch or hug or say comforting things to my mom

Sigh, just feeling the weight of what lies ahead.  My brother will help & in fact has offered to start researching facilities & costs for when that time comes.  I'm really less worried about the time & money involved than about the forced interaction.  Being alone with her is like holding my breath, and I just can't relax until I'm away.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Boat Babe]

Hello wisingup. Wow you tell your story so eloquently and with great compassion for your mother. What a really challenging situation you find yourself in. I am confident you will do this with integrity for everyone involved, including yourself.

I would arm yourself with information and support. You need decide how much you are willing to do and you need to communicate this with your other family members. You know there will be difficult conversations with a variety of people over your choices. Make sure you are really secure in your thinking and feeling around this.

And do look after yourself, especially as you will continue working. And come here for a vent or a hug.

[Thru the Rain]

The doctor gave me a bit of a stern lecture about needing to keep up with her meds.  I mentioned that mom & I are kind of on the outs and not close.  Too bad, from the doctor's perspective.  She needs help and I must give it.

No. Just No to this.

Yes your Mother needs help, but you are very likely NOT the right person to give that help.

Are you a trained medical or memory care professional? I'm guessing the answer is No. So having you personally oversee her care, while well-intentioned, may not actually be in the best medical interest of your Mother.

Do you have a medical power of attorney for you Mother? If not, it may have actually been a violation of your Mother's privacy for that doctor to tell you details of your Mother's diagnosis and medications.

What exactly would the doctor do if your Mother didn't have adult children? Or if her adult children lived farther away? If you weren't physically present for this urgent care visit, what steps would the facility take? Would they have referred her for social services? Put her in an inpatient facility? Why did they skip these steps just because you were physically present?

I feel outraged on your behalf that this doctor would give you a lecture and a guilt trip like this!

Before taking on responsibility for your Mother's care, see if you can confirm her diagnosis with the doctor who initially prescribed the medicine. Ask for the actual prognosis and the doctor's recommended course of action.

And pre-arm yourself with responses to judgy doctors, relatives, etc. Here are some thoughts:

- Talking to doctors who want to veer off into a judgy rant: I'm gathering facts to guide what help my Mother needs - please help me with facts not opinions.

-  I'm not a trained medical professional so I'm **NOT** the right person to care for her in my home / care for her in her home / manage her medical care or medicines.

- My home is not a safe environment for an elderly woman with Alzheimer's. I have stairs / on-going renovations / rusty nails and broken glass.

- I'm NOT AVAILABLE to attend in person / drive my Mother / pick up or drop off. What transportation services are available for my Mother? No I'm not able to attend in person - please tell me what the answer would be if I lived far away or my Mother didn't have adult children.

And I'll add one last thing. Think really hard before giving up your own retirement plans. Start with "what would be available for my Mother if I weren't here" and you may be amazed at the creative and acceptable options there are to help with your Mother's care.

[Outsiderchild]

Please, please, please before you make any decisions about changing your life plans in order to provide care for your parent read through Woman Interrupted's posts!  If you are not familiar with her posts she was a wonderful woman who shared her journey Out of the FOG with all of us.  She helped many, many people before she passed away early from cancer complications.   (Which in itself was a lesson that none of us know how much time we have so don't waste precious years on playing a PD's games.)

As others have said:  You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. 

Do not let this medical professional guilt you into accepting this burden!  Do not sacrifice your retirement years for caring for someone who has treated you badly in the past and will continue to do so.   Make any decisions slowly, carefully and remove any emotional baggage of the expectations of others.   Of course they want you to take care of this woman!  Otherwise they have to get the professionals in (you know, the ones trained and paid to do this kind of work!).

You are a good person.  You don't have to prove it to anyone by walking back into Crazyland.  You are enough. 

[square]

I love my non PD parents. They did not plan super adequately for retirement. I'm not contributing a dime.

Worst case is a combo of Medicaid and social security for a lower end facility, after selling all her assets (if she has any). That was your mom's choice.

[Sneezy]

Too bad, from the doctor's perspective.  She needs help and I must give it.

Absolutely, positively NOT!  You are not obligated to change your life to care for your mother.  If you choose to do so, because you want to, then that is fine.  But it's up to you to decide exactly what you will and will not do.  Do not let the doctor or any other medical professional push you around or guilt you into doing something that you don't want to do.

It sounds like you are willing to help manage and direct your mother's care, but not willing to actually provide the care.  If that is the case, that is something you can do without having to be alone with your mother or being forced into interactions with her. 

As far as finances, I remember reading something about putting kids through college.  It was an article that said parents should not use their retirement savings to pay for their kids' tuition, as we have a responsibility to our children to be able to take care of ourselves in retirement.  I think it works the same way with our parents.  Don't sacrifice your retirement (time or money) to pay for your mother's care.  She will have to make do with her social security, any other sources of income (pension, IRA, etc.) that she has, and if need be, Medicaid.  You can help navigate that, but you are not obligated to delay retirement or sacrifice your own retirement plans in order to provide for your mother.

It sounds like you and your brother work well together.  Maybe talk to him about what you are both willing and not willing to do, and see what you can figure out while maintaining healthy boundaries.  Good luck! 

[wisingup]

Thanks everyone, so very much, for the responses.  I will reply in greater detail soon, but at the moment I'm stewing about the fact that I have texted her twice today to see if she's feeling ok with no response.  I'm going to have to call if I don't hear from her & she knows I hate talking to her on the phone. 

[square]

Do you really have to?

[wisingup]

Ugh.  I finally called her (lol square - I should not have).  I was picturing her lying on the floor needing assistance.  So I finally called & she answered right away.  Says she didn't get the texts, which may be true as her phone is new in the last week or so.  She's fine today, sleeping a lot.  We ended up arguing after I asked her to please be calmer next time she calls for help.  She was at about level 9 out of 10 as far as how frantic she was when she called us yesterday, and in hind site the issue was like a 3 or 4.  She said "but that's how I was feeling at the time". 

Then she said that she doesn't get upset like that very often, wherein lies the issue.  Of course she does.  She has gotten worked up like that my whole life.  She either doesn't recognize or doesn't care that she traumatizes everyone around her when she goes off.  It has probably served her - getting people to jump to do her bidding just to shut her up.  I've done my share of the jumping and it is a form of codependency that I need to stop.

I was very upset after talking with her & getting into an argument.  I felt like a horrible mean person.  I WANT to be nice to my elderly, confused, sick mother.  But when I am nice, she steamrolls right over me.

I don't like the person I am when I interact with her.  I'm honestly not sure we like each other at all - it's not a good dynamic for either of us.   I think I need to take this advice from Sneezy:

It sounds like you are willing to help manage and direct your mother's care, but not willing to actually provide the care.  If that is the case, that is something you can do without having to be alone with your mother or being forced into interactions with her.

I plan to start tomorrow to assemble a list of resources that I can call on to drive her to the doctor, help her with her meds, help with any daily activities.  I will concentrate on working the phones to get her what she needs & keeping my distance.

Also, Outsiderchild - it's funny that you bring up Woman Interrupted.  Just last night, I finally posted on the thread from WI's husband letting us know of her passing.  It hit me so hard, I couldn't even gather my thoughts to make a coherent post at the time.  I hadn't realized how much I'd come to rely on her - she responded to most of my posts with just the kind of understanding, encouragement & warm humor that you'd want from a parent figure when you go to them with an issue.  The kind of response that most of us here never got from our actual parents.  But yes, I should go back & read some of her posts - I'm sure the advice still applies!