The lies I told myself

[JustKeepTrying]

A little over two years ago I walked from a 32-year marriage to my OCPDxh.

I ask myself over and over why I stayed.  My DDs are scarred and not talking to me.  My DS is struggling.  And my xh just smiles and lies and people buy the lie.

But it's the lies I told myself that get to me in those quiet hours of the night.

It's his job.  It's so stressful.

Finances.  Always not enough money.

My cancer.  Poor poor us and me for the trauma.

Autism.  Our child's autism.  Oh my, the stress.

Another move.  Another job.

The house.  Never the right house.  Oh, those annoying neighbors.

My NMIL.  She is so strange and demanding.

and on and on and on.  Every time an explosion I would explain it away.  And the kids witnessed it.  I think.  I think I hid it.  I think I shielded them.  Maybe that's why they don't talk to me.  They didn't see it and I did.

That d*mn FOG is so thick.

[pushit]

In the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" there is a self assessment quiz you can take, I found it very insightful.  At the end it ranks you across a spectrum, I believe across 5 zones.

It's been awhile since I took it, but this is essentially how it lays out.  If you're a 1, you have strong boundaries and won't allow a PD into your life.  If you're a 5 you are very easily sucked into these types of relationships, you will continue to tolerate the behavior and allow it to control your life.  When I took the quiz I came back at a 3.  A 3 is susceptible to a PD relationship, but at some point is going to buck the system once they've had enough.  That described me very accurately.

After I took the quiz myself, I took it "for" some other people surrounding our situation, guessing at how they would honestly answer the questions based on the behavior I've seen.  That was very helpful to me.  It allowed me to gain some insight into how they reacted to my exPDw, and helped explain why people sided with her even though I knew they were just buying into another false narrative.

[Bunnyme]

In the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" there is a self assessment quiz you can take, I found it very insightful.  At the end it ranks you across a spectrum, I believe across 5 zones.

I highly recommend this book.  I've read a lot about PDs over the past year, and this one was really helpful. 

[Finding Grace]

Yes, always damage control - the FOG is so thick...That is a great book ~

This might be posted here..."Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better" Maya Angelou

Compassion for yourself for all those years - really believing you did the best you could at the time. Every time I get mad at myself for the BS that is so obvious now, I remind myself that I was doing the best I knew at the time.

My oldest DS, a young adult, is trauma-bonded to stbxASPD/NPD H. DS has a kind heart and doesn't see through the lies, it is so heart-wrenching. A friend (who's husband tried to kill her in front of their young child)  said, "Tell him, you will ALWAYS be there for him, no matter what." So if it is 1 year, 5 years or 20, that is the commitment I have for him. Be strong, the kids need it.