Having some confusion

[Fireleaf]

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and hope I am posting in the correct topic.

I began to learn about cluster B disorders a few years ago. It was through some intensive therapy I received that helped me to understand my childhood being raised by my borderline father.

Since then it has helped me to see the patterns I fall into with my romantic relationships. I recently went on a date with a man that shows definite signs to be high on the narcissistic or borderline spectrum. I let him know that we are not compatible enough to pursue a relationship, but he continues to contact me, sending pictures/artwork and I want to just simply not respond to him. But my codependent self is screaming at me.

I somehow think that he and I could be friends and that this type of communication is ok. But my gut tells me the opposite. I would love some advice right now. It seems like a simple answer, but my stomach is doing somersaults.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My 2 cents:

Go with your gut. Do not respond. Block and go NC.

You play with fire; you get burnt.

[JustKeepTrying]

Beautiful Crazy is right.  Your gut is telling you something that your head hasn't process yet.

Slippery slope indeed

[Fireleaf]

Thank you both so much.  I wish there was a way to tell him I won't be in contact anymore, but I can't seem to figure out the words to say. Going no contact seems to be the only way. I just wish it didn't cause so much anxiety. My brain tries to make so many excuses why I can't just cut it off like that. He argued with me at the end of the night that he was worth pursuing regardless of why I didn't believe we were compatible.  Earlier in the evening he wanted us to pretend we were married. It's crazy. Thank you for letting me vent a little bit here.

[Simon]

As said by the ladies above, trust your gut above all else.
It's rarely wrong, and the only time I ignored it, I ended up in a relationship with a Borderline.

But, if you need more proof, read the following again:

.....He argued with me at the end of the night that he was worth pursuing regardless of why I didn't believe we were compatible.  Earlier in the evening he wanted us to pretend we were married. It's crazy....

From reading that, he's obviously controlling, deluded, over-bearing, won't take no for an answer, and more than a little odd.
Screams Borderline to me.

And from what I've read, they're no better at being friends than they are at being intimate partners, so be careful.

I know it's difficult if you're co-dependent or a people pleaser to say no to people, but you must.
These predators can smell people who can't assert themselves a mile off, and know that once they have you hooked, then can get away with treating you as they please without any accountability at all, for as long as they like.
Don't go there.
Be strong.
There are so many good people out there.
Don't choose a turnip! 

Good luck.

[Fireleaf]

I know it's difficult if you're co-dependent or a people pleaser to say no to people, but you must.
These predators can smell people who can't assert themselves a mile off, and know that once they have you hooked, then can get away with treating you as they please without any accountability at all, for as long as they like.

Thank you for bringing this up!  This is my main battle.  My ability to say no has improved, but when coming across someone like this man my defenses fall.  And I freeze.  Someone like him knows how to press the "guilt" buttons.  Deep down I know that it is the wrath of the borderline I fear.  And I push aside logic to appease him simply to avoid it.   Living like this is living in a prison.  I am so grateful for your words

[Simon]

You're welcome.

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you known this individual?
Did you have just one date, or have you known him for a while before dating?
The reason I ask is because you mention feeling guilty.

If you hardly know this man, or have had only 1 or 2 dates, even if you've known him through friends for a while, then you owe him nothing, and you have nothing to feel guilty about (I know that's an easy thing to say).

Dating is meant to be 1 or more dates so that you can see if there's something there, and relationships only happen beyond this if both parties are prepared to give it a go.
If this guy is overly keen after a couple of dates, that's not your problem.

He's clearly not respecting your wishes.
Imagine what he would be like if he got you under his control in a relationship.

Again, sounds like a Borderline or a Narc that has run out of supply, and is desperate to snare someone.
If he's not someone you're likely to see again in your social circle, then as others have suggested, you should probably just block him on all fronts.
If you do bump into him after that, you can simply state, without emotion, that you told him that you didn't want to pursue anything with him, and that he didn't take no as an answer, and so had no other option but to block him (but don't explain yourself further than that. That's all he's entitled to know).

Being rejected isn't nice for any of us, but an emotionally mature adult will understand and respect your wishes, and move on.
Conversely, if they're personality disordered, and therefore emotionally arrested somewhere between a toddler and a teenager, then they won't understand why they can't get their own way, and won't take no for an answer.
In that case, blocking them and going no contact is the only way to go.

Wishing you strength.
I know it's easy for me to say, but there's no need to feel guilty for being strong.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Simon has already said this very well, but nobody is obligated to be in a relationship with another person. After one date. After a month of dating. After years.
You have the right to leave any relationship, for any reason. Or no reason at all. You are not obligated to justify this decision. Or argue the point. Or defend anything. Or explain yourself. You are not responsible for the other person's feelings or any fallout.
No is a complete sentence.
It is perfectly acceptable to just block him without offering any reason or explanation.
If you feel like you need to protect yourself, you definitely do. Don't ignore your gut.

[Boat Babe]

As said by the ladies above, trust your gut above all else.
It's rarely wrong, and the only time I ignored it, I ended up in a relationship with a Borderline.

But, if you need more proof, read the following again:

.....He argued with me at the end of the night that he was worth pursuing regardless of why I didn't believe we were compatible.  Earlier in the evening he wanted us to pretend we were married. It's crazy....

From reading that, he's obviously controlling, deluded, over-bearing, won't take no for an answer, and more than a little odd.
Screams Borderline to me.

And from what I've read, they're no better at being friends than they are at being intimate partners, so be careful.

I know it's difficult if you're co-dependent or a people pleaser to say no to people, but you must.
These predators can smell people who can't assert themselves a mile off, and know that once they have you hooked, then can get away with treating you as they please without any accountability at all, for as long as they like.
Don't go there.
Be strong.
There are so many good people out there.
Don't choose a turnip! 

Good luck.

This is solid gold advice. The guy sounds like a nightmare. Walk away now my dear and use this event, and you coming here, to investigate your codependency. Sounds like there is some inner child work that could usefully be done.

This is a great forum to discuss all the issues around the PDs in our lives and our inner lives, our feelings and our roadmap to integration and wellness. 

See you on the boards

[Fireleaf]

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you known this individual?
Did you have just one date, or have you known him for a while before dating?
The reason I ask is because you mention feeling guilty.

I actually just met him the weekend before last.  So we don't have a history or a long friendship.  Which makes my encounter with him even more strange.  He approached me at the local park and we talked for a really long time.  I thought at first that he was a really nice and friendly guy, but at some point began to talk to me as if we had known each other our whole lives. This is when I started to feel uncomfortable.  It seems he was trying to force intimacy with me.  When you say that it sounds like he was searching for supply and desperate to find it, this explains his behavior.  I was also a bit vulnerable because of our recent isolation due to the pandemic.  It felt so good to interact and actually go on a date.  What I understand now is that he was probably love bombing me.  And I have been through this before.  The last we talked he told me he was fine with being friends, but I don't trust his motives.  Thank you for talking this out with me. I really don't want to go down this road again. 

Do you know of a way I can tag someone's name in my response?  I really want to thank everyone who is responding to my post.  I definitely belong here.  And I really do have a lot of inner child work to do.  To be able to say no without guilt and fear would change my life

[Cat of the Canals]

Hi Fireleaf! I am a recovering codependent people-pleaser myself. My BPD/NPD mother taught me I should always GIVE GIVE GIVE to others, no matter the cost to my own mental health. Setting boundaries and learning to say "NO" to people made me feel soooo guilty at first. So I can absolutely imagine being in your position and feeling like cutting this person off is mean or overly harsh. But at the end of the day, you MUST protect yourself. And this guy sounds majorly intrusive.

Someone else here recently suggested a podcast called Beyond Bitchy, and it's all about how to set healthy boundaries for yourself and others. I highly recommend it. I started listening yesterday, thinking I'd check out one episode. I flew through the first five! It's that good. I think if you listen to a few, you'll start feeling a lot better about making this decision for yourself. https://beyondbitchy.com/podcast/page/12/

[moglow]

Wait. You met him two weeks ago and this is where it is? Consider this - in the beginning people are typically putting their best self forward, the honeymoon phase if you will. If this is how it begins, where does it go?? How does it get better and why would you want to hang around to see?

It's not mean or harsh to decide you're not interested. There really is nothing to explain or excuse. Someone being pushy and insistent, me being afraid to cross them - after two weeks?? No.

Personally I would have no hesitation shutting this down before he forced his way further into my life.

[LemonLime]

In these relationships I try to "channel" my friends who have excellent boundaries.   You know the ones...they don't blink an eye at telling someone to get lost.   They lose zero sleep after ghosting someone.

Find one of those and channel them.

I highly recommend you listen to "Fake Bride" on Hidden Brain.   It's creepily similar to your story.