The Collector

[Free2Bme]

My xH is somewhere in the malignant/covert/ASPD range, he is soft spoken (when he is not raging at home), and comes off as gentle and humble, but it is not real.  He is a collector of behaviors.  He watches others and adopts words, phrases, behaviors to build his facade. 

I have watched this man morph over almost 30 years, and he has fine tuned his persona.  A small example; early on he was condescending and rude to waiters/waitresses (so embarrassing).  He changed and became sickeningly sweet and an overly nice big tipper, while inwardly still looking down on them. 

He wears many masks and is a student of himself.  He is acutely aware of how he comes off, and when he slips up and says something that could reveal his inner self, he self corrects and slaps a cover on it.  I have seen this so many times.  However, the motive is not because he feels remorse for doing wrong, exploiting people, or using deceit.  He is just trying to contain the monster inside, #1 objective.  So, the exploiting continues like a program running in the background, he's just changed the screensaver.

He is very successful, and at the top of a major international corporation (household name).  The payoff for all of his machinations is outward success as he appears to be all things to all people.  He has no friends though, and even if he did he would never let down his guard.  My impression is that for him, internally, it is a matter of life or death.  There isn't anything or anyone that he would give this up for.  So every time he collects something to add to his repertoire, it is seen as a small insurance policy to protect the lifelong investment he has made to the Lie.

I saw him this weekend briefly during kid exchange and came away feeling very sorry for him and thinking I must really be screwed up to feel this way because I would never go back to him.  I find it hard to reconcile that I loved the projection, what I wanted to see.  How terrible to have loved someone like this, a ghost.

I just needed to get this out of my head.  Comments welcomed.

[square]

That sounds terrible from every direction. That you discovered what you thought you connected with is a lie. That he himself is nothing but a projection.

I'm curious, does his main motivation come from the NPD or ASPD side? Does he need "feed"?

[Free2Bme]

Hi square,

Yes, he needs supply particularly from those he deems as inferior, which is most people.  I believe he holds contempt for all but a very few such as those in very high positions (corporate men).  He truly just didn't care that his wife and children saw the worst of him, just as long as he (we) maintained the image. 

He has NPD traits,  and also behaved very antisocial to me and kids (and maybe coworkers, not sure) re: chronic lying, abusive, charming, exploitive, no remorse. 

My impression was that if his supply sources (mostly female) at the office were waining, he was ramped up and would explode for perceived slights at home. 

[square]

Wow, that is just incredibly toxic. I can't imagine

[JustKeepTrying]

I don't know if you write, but wow, the person you described and even the title of this thread "The Collector" gave me chills. 

[Simon]

Yes free2bme.
I know exactly what you mean.

I watched my BPD ex gf absorb so many of my characteristics during my time with her, and her friends would be impressed with some of the things that she suddenly be/do, and they would be unaware that those things are what I've been most of my life.
It was quite a surreal experience.
And if I was ever to pipe up with "I do that too" (which I never did say), it would have looked like I was just trying to fit in, even though they were my characteristics! 

And I noticed a few new ones that weren't me cropping up near the end, and yes, sure enough, the new supply that replaced me soon after was these things.
Bizarre!
Cluster Bs really are vampiric parasitic chameleons.

Glad to see that you say he is your ex husband too.
I see so many posts on here from people who are still with their abusers, almost resigned to the fact that they're stuck forever, perhaps even unaware of the damage being done to theirs and their kids mental health, due to the constant drama and abuse.

[Free2Bme]

Hi Simon,

I can relate to what you are saying, I too saw my updxh borrowing my phrases/responses many times.  Although I think it is normal for people who spend a lot of time together to rub off on each other, IMO my H was extreme.

For example, when he would hang out with old friends from college he began talking like them, taking on their mannerisms.  They were of a completely different culture and race, but he changed his voice, inflection, vocabulary, etc. to match them, but only when he was around this group.  I'm not a professional, but I would not think this is normal for a 30 yo man.  It ties into what I have read about a PD not having a "self" as a foundation of their identity.

This all makes me sad for his next victim because I feel he learned a lot from successfully love bombing and gaslighting me over 20 years.  He is so convincing, and only occasionally will you see a chink in his armor.

I'm glad to hear you are not dealing with gf drama anymore.  Live and learn, right?

[BeautifulCrazy]

This reminds me of a toxic friend I briefly had. He absorbed the personality and interests of whoever he was spending time with. I could tell who he had been with most recently by his copycat mannerisms. He once went on a weeklong trip to the southern US and came back with a southern drawl and called everyone y'all and y'alls for months afterward. I ended our friendship because of this rediculousness.

My PDxh also did this. Absorbed and took on my personality. I participated in past threads here about it, feeling like I was a donor personality, and observing that he did this with coworkers as well. Sometimes he even became suddenly "expert" on things he had made fun of others for being interested in.

[Dollydrops]

Wow yes I saw this too with the person  of my problems. I knew exactly when he was seeing other woman  a mutual co worker. His mannerisms, body language, music taste, change of favourite grocery stores and even full sentences she'd said that day became his new personality. He would even repeat things to me which she had posted on social media ( using it as his own) and changed his writing/ texting style to match hers and would forget which one of us he was writing to. It was so blatantly obvious it was scary..

[Simon]

I'm glad to hear you are not dealing with gf drama anymore.  Live and learn, right?

Yes, live and learn indeed.

I managed to avoid relationships with people who have mental illnesses like Personality Disorders all my life, more by luck than judgement, and now I've been through a relationship with a Borderline, I am very picky (but I'm not hyper-vigilant, which would be bad news).

I've been with my current gf for a little while now, and the difference is chalk and cheese.
She's confident, so isn't needy, she's very sweet and kind, without strings attached, and we seem to get on well and enjoy each other's company.
We even talk about this stuff, which has resulted in her wondering if some of her ex's were emotionally immature because of a personality disorder too.

And I like a relationship where there are differences, instead of being copied.
She likes football, but doesn't like Arsenal...ok, she likes video games, but doesn't like the Mario games...o...k..., that's still fine. 
She does like Laurel & Hardy, so she gets many brownie points for that, but.....she doesn't like Ben Folds or Duran Duran!
What's that all about?!? 

Seriously though, it's important to have differences, and have a part of ourselves just for ourselves, and time to ourselves to enjoy it.
It's healthy.
A BPD or NPD will not like that, and will not allow it.
It's all about them, you know!

I don't know if this relationship will go anywhere, but if it doesn't it won't be because one of us was an immature, self-absorbed, empty shell of a person, and we won't discard each other.
We'll just say "good luck" and "see you around", like adults do.
And it's just nice to have someone who isn't strange, and can be talked to without drama.

[Lauren17]

F2B, this is a well thought out and well written description.
H does this as well, but he pulls his persona from TV and movies. The base of it is set on old movies from the 80's, but he tweaks as new things come along.
A few years ago, we were watching an old comedy and I realized that some of the conversations H and I had when dating were actually him reciting lines from this movie. I felt sick to my stomach!
He has tried to absorb accents too, but not much luck pulling that one off.