Not sure what to do

[katherinicus]

Hey folks,
I'm hoping I may be able to get some insight from people who have dealt with the scapegoating of an in-law by their own family, or been on the receiving end, and successfully broken out with their partner.
I have been on this forum for a number of years since my now husband and I fell out with his family (PDSIL tried to intimidate me when she got me alone and I passed this onto him, which led to a long and drawn out battle and her cutting him off and acting like the victim since he tried to set boundaries with her).
Because she's the centre of the family and has aggressive outbursts where she manages through intimidation (I was on the receiving end of one), people dote on her and cater to her. They also see her as a victim in life. So us asking to have a talk with her before returning to family gatherings with her has meant they've all jumped ship on us for "breaking up the family".

Around the time of our wedding, we at least had the support of his other sister (who was also the outcast for a time, but seems to have filled my husband's spot in his absence once she returned), and his nephews were neutral. Now one of the nephews has confronted my husband and the sister no longer talks to us (I've tried to make an effort with her wanting to keep at least some family contact).

The issue is that he's so angry and done with the family drama, and just avoids people (including the sister) to avoid hearing about it. When he tries to explain his issues, they seem to conveniently forget what he's told them and default to blaming me.
His mom tried not to attend our wedding and only came due to this sister's efforts. She ended up getting drunk (she is an alcoholic) and telling my parents at the wedding that we fight all the time in spite of her living across the country at the time and having no way of knowing that. It was just a lie to stir up trouble.
Now, she calls only every few months when she's drunk. She lives about an hour away now and it's been a year since we've seen her. She lives with (and helps raise the children of) PDSIL and her fiancé, and I don't think she can be seen to support us.

The issue is, he's in therapy finally, but the brother's family has reared their heads again to try to get him to have a relationship with them and leave me home when he visits.  He's been adamant we're a package deal, that I am being scapegoated for a lot of family dysfunction, and that he has issues with them that have nothing to do with me, but that their treatment of me has highlighted a general trend with them (ie. only seeing him as a supporting character, needing everything on their terms).

But even though he tells the therapist he's done, he still struggles with enormous guilt of not being the intermediary anymore. I suspect his sister has filled that role, and his mom never listens to his advice anyway, so I am sometimes a bit confused by this.

My husband has struggled to move forward in his life while everyone else has had families and he's expected to stay single (or be with someone really passive - I'm the only in-law who isn't accepted because I set boundaries) so he can cater to them.
I am sometimes furious about how his mom rarely comes through for him, and yet he feels sorry for her all the time. She's very waifish when she's sober.

I KNOW that he can't help this. I know he's spent years being guilted. He's working with the psychologist to finally have a conversation with them where he tells them he's completely done (because he's that angry with how they've behaved the last few years). But part of that is also putting the guilt out of his mind.

Because I am at the centre of the shot-storm that set this whole thing off, and even though he's convinced me this isn't my doing, and he doesn't resent me, I still feel awful because he gets really depressed sometimes. He has lost everyone.

We are having a hard time moving forward with our own lives.

He recently got a really good job, we're in a good apartment, we got married almost 2 years ago - it seems like we should be doing so well. But we continue to have their presence as an issue every so often, and it sets him back when it happens because they know his sore spots. And when that happens, I feel shaky about us.

The problem is, that like most PDs, you can explain things until you're blue in the face, and they misinterpret, forget key details, and just default to blaming me. Thinking that if I left, they'd have their perfect family back (it was NEVER even close to perfect). He feels like talking to them is a waste of breath.
But his psychologist may get him to start with the sister we had supporting us most recently. The appointments are only every two weeks so waiting this out is tough.

I am wondering if anyone who has been in my husband's position can comment.
I am feel very insecure currently and blame myself. Even though I know this whole thing is dysfunctional, and he claims adamantly to know that too, his guilt sometimes scares me about where this is going.

[yellowdaisy]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your husband. My DH and I could have written this post, we were in this same place about a year ago. Both of us feeling guilty; Me for being the "cause" of the family splitting, Him for "abandoning" his family. We have been NC for a year now and life is peaceful. It wasn't easy at first, but wow was it a lot easier than what we thought it was going to be.

"But even though he tells the therapist he's done, he still struggles with enormous guilt of not being the intermediary anymore. I suspect his sister has filled that role, and his mom never listens to his advice anyway, so I am sometimes a bit confused by this."

My DH experienced this as well, I think what helped him (besides therapy) was seeing how little his family actually needed him once he was gone. We were both preparing for this big fight once DH's family caught onto his detaching, but they actually did the complete opposite and dropped him like a hot potato. They just moved on with their lives. (Who knows, maybe they even surprised themselves by this? Finally realizing that oh wow, we can take care of ourselves." Like you said about possibly  his sister, they will find someone to replace the role. Or they figure it out some other way.

As for what to do, be there for your husband. From my experience, there is really not much else you can do. Things finally settled down and the IL's left us alone when I took a step back and stopped engaging. They cannot scape goat you if you don't give them anything to use. (Well, they can still scapegoat but it'll be from way over there where you can't hear it, and from experience, they will probably just find a new, exciting SG to focus on.)

Your husband will probably need to figure this out on his own, that's how it was with my DH. The most I could do was let him know I was there to support him and that I was grieving along with him for the loss of his family. It was difficult for me, trying to not interfere with his decisions or sway him either way on what to do. DH may slip back in the mud a few times, but it's his journey to go on. Now that it's been a year, I feel he is reaching a point of acceptance and peace with the situation.

I wish you and your DH luck and am hoping you soon, too, find your peace.

[Leonor]

Hi Katherinicus!

I'm living both sides of this story, with my foo and ILs.

I would encourage you to spend as much time as you can taking care of yourself throughout this difficult, but very worthwhile journey.

Your dh has embarked on his recovery from codependency on his alcoholic mom. I am on that road as well; my father and stepfather were alcoholics, and I abused alcohol myself for decades (although the difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse is negligible.) It's a life-long journey. I no longer say I "am in recovery" but rather that I "live in recovery." And by recovery I mean the whole shebang: from abuse, addiction, CPTSD, the lot of it. The weight and the thicket of it. It's day by day, every day. But while some days are really hard, overall more and more days are better than the ones before. The most helpful thing my dh can do for me during those difficult moments is be gentle and give me space.

At the same time, dh struggles with his family, and it is very challenging to not become secondarily codependent on dh's recovery from *his* codependency. For example, watching him like a hawk whenever his family even comes up in conversation. Is he going to react with guilt and fogginess, or clarity and boundaries, or (even better!) reassurance for me? So my emotional stability with my h becomes dependent on *his* emotional stability around his parents. That's a set up for arguments.

That's why I encourage you to take good care of you, to refocus from your dh's relationship with his parents while he begins his journey. It's so wonderful that he's in therapy and aware of the dysfunction in his family. But he's in therapy because it's really, really hard to stay clear and healthy and adult in the presence of family dysfunction. Expect moments of deep fog, encouraging successes ("Wow, that must have been hard to hear from your sister. I think you responded in a very kind way.") and pointing out  setbacks ("It's scary that your mom is drinking so much, but it's better that she call an ambulance if she falls.")

Meantime, patience and gentleness.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yellowdaisy gave a great response. I too have been in a somewhat similar situation with my in-laws. In his family it's his mother who tried to intimidate me. I was also scapegoated for a lot of things that DH did of his own accord that were perfectly normal and healthy things for him to do, namely become his own person and choose his own life and values over what they would have him be and do. Their treatment of me revealed their profound disrespect for their son, who has always been good to them and even grateful and fond of his parents. I ended by calling a timeout in the relationship between them and me, and am still (probably) being blamed for "cutting off the entire family," when I had done no such thing. DH knows that's not the truth and that's really all I care. It seems like in his head, your DH has pretty good insight into how things went down, but the emotions have to grow up and catch up. It's awesome that he's willing to go to therapy to resolve those feelings. I think my DH is in a similar place, but without the therapy.

I've written a lot on here about both of our feelings and hurt through this whole process. There were months of silent treatment followed by hoovers and guilt trips that DH would fall for sometimes, but throughout he was clear that his relationship with me was most important. As much as I doubted that at times and felt so much anguish over his feeling conflicted. Looking back, with each round of the cycle he seemed to get it just a little more. At this point all seems to be quiet for now. At Christmas DH wouldn't force me to talk to them so there's no longer any point in their continued relationship. At least for now.  I fully expect another hoover attack at some point, likely when an elderly family member gets close to the end. But the idea doesn't fill me with dread the way it did. I've seen we can weather the worst they could dish out, and meanwhile our marriage has grown stronger while living our own life. It's been about a two year journey consciously Out of the FOG for us, but we we're on it together before we could see it for what it was.

It's hard to be there for him as wife would want to be for a husband, when the whole thing is designed to drive a huge wedge between you and it feels very personal. But it's so, so, worth it. #1 because you truly love him and you care, and it's true nobody else in his life can relate to all of these dynamics like you can. We in-laws have the advantage of not having all the baggage and history that our DH's have, so it's a little easier for us to detach from the whole mess. Not easy, but easier. Of course we all have our own baggage we bring but it's different. I found the truth is that it's not personal. We were experiencing patterns in behavior and relationships that existed well before I was in DH's life. That seems to be true for your situation too.

You also say you are having a hard time "moving on." I get that feeling. I wish I didn't need to be on here and talk about these experiences. I haven't willingly communicated with these people for two years, three for my own FOO, can't I just forget about them already? But really I have learned it's pretty normal. There is still a real need to grieve, and this is a complex grief. I had a therapist tell me that being in regular weekly therapy for CPTSD from childhood trauma and specifically narcissistic abuse, she would average her clients at about three years before she thought they no longer needed to come in, and that experience seems to jive with that of her colleagues. If therapy can't be regular, or there's ongoing trauma, that can very likely be longer to work through the effects of it such that the impact on daily life and relationships are easily managed. The point is this is actually hard and takes time, and to be very gentle with yourselves.