Playing family

[Bunnyme]

I invited my stbx to out childs (off site) birthday party since he wanted his dad there.  Fine.  As contentious as things may be, I can be a grown up and include him...though it means a few of our child's friends not coming since he will be there.  Once "close to a settlement" stbx has now decided he wont sign anything because I'm pushing for a divorce he doesnt want.  Now, he wants us to all go to dinner together with my parents and his parents on the actual birthday to celebrate.  I feel like this will send mixed signals...that he wants to continue to live in denial that things are ending, and may confuse the kids who are still hopeful we will reconcile (they have no idea what is going on).  I also would like to be able to relax and enjoy at least some portion of my sons birthday, but will suck it up if I have to.  I dont know what to do. 
I was thinking of offering him that I'd drop the kids off for a couple of hours on the actual birthday or dinner the day after, in addition to the party.  I dont know if that will look bad at our upcoming hearing...like he is willing to be together and I'm not.  I've included him a lot and just white knuckled it.  I've gone to functions with his side.  I guess I'm having an issue with boundaries and if me setting boundaries will hurt me in the end.  As much as I want to put my foot down about doing all of these joint events, my long term goal is keeping the kids safe. 

[ploughthrough2021]

How old is your child. If young, I personally would not have invited his Dad and give your child a good story behind it.  It sounds like your stbx has taken the opportunity to mess things up for you there.  I would have dropped the child off after the party.

[oak_tree]

Hey Bunnyme,
Ugh, that sounds so frustrating.
I think that you're right; spending time together could very well be confusing for the kids.
In terms of the hearing, I have zero experience BUT I can't imagine that a judge wouldn't "get" that one parent may want to be together and the other doesn't. And it seems to me that clear boundaries are a good thing, whatever the situation. For example, yes, you can come to the party, but no, we won't participate in family events with the other's family (or whatever).
Just my (inexperienced) two cents.
I hope things go smoothly, whatever you decide. 

[Bunnyme]

Well, now I'm apparantly back to being the most wonderful mom and he is willing to accommodate me in any way he can.  He is very careful about what he writes vs says

[GettingOOTF]

My ex used the "yes I will sign/no I won't" to keep me in his life. He'd insist on dinners to "talk about the divorce" etc. It went on for a really long time. I was scared of what he'd do and I thought I needed his permission to divorce so I went along.

They really do all use the same playbook.