Some odd behaviours

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My common law husband with diagnosed BPD, has said/done some things since we reconciled a few months ago (it's too long of a story to get into right now but I'm an idiot for falling for his love bombing and letting him back in) that leave me confused because he hasn't directly abused me since I let him move in.

He told me he would disappear for no one ever to ever find him if I ever kicked him out.  I asked him to clarify but he just walked away and refused to talk about it.

He got angry with a fast food drive thru employee for missing an item which was embarrassing as I've never seen him do that in our 12 years together.

He said his road rage was much better and he's calmer on the road.  He proved that wrong on a drive by tailgating "tailgaters" to teach them a lesson where my car was beeping and flashing g at him to brake because he got so close to bumpers going 130km...yelling how stupid everyone is...while our 6 year old was in the car with us.  He then told me that I was mad at him when we got to our destination. I never said that.  In fact, I had no words because I was TERRIFIED.
The next day I approached him and gently said I was concerned about him and if he was going to call his therapist which he said he was going g to do weeks before because of his depression.  He asked me why and I told him I was terrified of his behaviour on the road and he just walked away.  I've refused to get in the car with him since.

He constantly asks what my family and friends say about him (they think he's arrogant and talks over them but I'm not going to tell him that lol).

The cops were called on him because he took a pipe away from a kid that was swinging it way too close to our kid and other kids and the kid accused him of grabbing him ( I didn't see what happened but nothing came out of it anyway because he was simply trying to keep our kid and her friends from getting  hit by the bully) but he got paranoid that people are all against him in our complex and put cameras up everywhere on our house because "someone may mess with our cars."  He even thought these obnoxious boys that were not involved in the incident, were sent out to annoy him by acting rambunctious behind our backyard a few days later. I didn't bother arguing with him about how ridiculous that sounded.

I have a very low sex drive due to a few chronic illnesses and my disgust with his behaviours and I hate it when he starts going on about how long it's been (a month) and he makes immature sexual jokes that's not even related to the conversation were having.  He'll come up behind me, usually when I'm cleaning or doing dishes and just grabs my boobs and grinds himself against me or if I'm sitting outside and when he walks by, he rubs his package on my leg.  He's almost 42 and well, I just don't find it sexy, at all.  Just immature in my opinion.  I just have no drive. I'm a SA victim so that stuff bothers me and he knows that.  I hate it when he makes me feel guilty about it then I just eventually give in just to get him to leave alone about sex for a while, which I know is sexual coercion.

He will make digs about my PMS moods (I'm perimenopausal now so yes, I do get a bit cranky sometimes but I dont take it out on anyone, I just get really quiet).  I never point out his nasty moods (which he does take it out on us) because we'll, he'd blow up if I did.

Now the past 3 weeks, he's been pretty good.  I know it won't last and I do want to him out but when he's good to us, I start self doubting myself and feel guilty that I want him out.  I know I shouldn't wait til he blows up again to tell him to leave to justify it but that pesky trauma bond makes it really hard, especially when he's been on his best behaviour.  It's so hard to call a counselor because he's always around and the cameras outside everywhere make it impossible to chat on the phone 

 

[Poison Ivy]

This situation does not sound safe for you. Please consider asking your partner to move out or move out yourself.

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This situation does not sound safe for you. Please consider asking your partner to move out or move out yourself.

I am planning on telling him to leave as I have no where to go. I'm scared he will disappear and having to explain it to the kids.
I got my place through regional housing when the kids and I were in a shelter when I left the first time.  He has his elderly parents to go back to. 
I contacted my lawyer again as well because there's a separation agreement already drafted from before but we reconciled before it was signed.  I do have my ducks in a row but I can't bring myself to do it when he's been good lately.  I feel like I have to wait until he starts acting up again.
I just hate that I feel so guilty and perhaps I lead him on (he said he hoped I'm not using him when we reconciled) when he was charming, said he took responsibility but still blamed that our old house possessed him to act the way he did so he didn't take responsibility like he said.  I truly thought he had changed like he said but obviously he hasn't. I feel so stupid for falling for it.

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Thank you kindly for the welcome, user!  And yes, huge Pink Floyd fan here as well.

I will look those links you shared and thank you again

[notrightinthehead]

I want to add my welcome to this informative and supportive site. I am so glad to read that you no longer get in the car with him when he drives. His behaviour does not appear to be safe for you and your kid.
You know of course what FOG stands for - fear, obligation, guilt - the chain that binds us to the PDs in our life. His threat to disappear, vague as it is, is the bell that wakes up the guilt part in you. The good behaviour for a while chains you firmer to him. If he were horrible all the time, it would be easy for you to leave. The good times wake up the hope in you and you believe all will be well. Until the next explosion.
Please, if you do anything at all, read "Why does he do that?" By Bancroft. It might help you understand what you are in for.
You are not alone. There are many here on this site with similar stories to tell. I am glad you found us. See you around on the boards.