Parroting

[CagedBirdSinging]

I was just wondering what to make of this. It feels very controlling, but maybe I am over reacting.

So here's the scenario. When pdH is about, if I am telling the kids something like 'pass me your school bag honey,' pd has to chip in and say 'yeah pass your school bag.' If I say 'try some of your carrots, love' pd will automatically say 'yeah eat your carrots up.'

If I mention this to pd, he will claim he is merely reinforcing what I'm saying, or that he's backing me up.. so why does it feel so infuriating and controlling???

Me and kids could be in a different room, playing, happily. Then as soon as I say 'right kids let's tidy up,' he will shout from the other room 'tidy up now everyone!' It makes me so uncomfortable, partly because I'm aware he has been listening in on us the whole time, ready to jump in and exert his authority. It makes me feel really undermined.

Anyone else come across this type of behaviour?

I know it makes me frustrated and tense, which isn't great for the kids. We are separated now, but it is continuing because he comes to my home for visitation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My own nonPDH will do something like this, but not so intrusive. He wouldn't do it from another room, for sure.

We've had a long-term conflict where I'm frustrated he doesn't pay attention to the kids when we're all together and leaves it to me, while he's 100% focused on whatever the task at hand is. If we're on a hike, he's just hiking. I'm keeping everybody together, helping tie shoes, passing water, all that stuff. We have five young children so this is not insignificant. But if he hears me give someone a correction, he'll suddenly become aware, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be engaging too." And it comes out like, "Yeah, what mom said." I usually respond, "Thank you, Lieutenant DH." And then he does try for a while until he forgets again. My tone is usually mildly teasing, and he's well aware of this pattern.

So while the origin of the behavior sounds very different, maybe my response could work for you. You aren't bothered and even find it mildly amusing, but it's clear to all that he's not really contributing anything of value here.

[sevenyears]

CBS - you described one of the many infuriating habits of my UNOCPD EXH exactly. I'll tell the children to put their shoes on. He ignores me and tells the children to put their shoes on. It makes me feel invisible and ignored, as well as undermined in front of the children since he is clearly "the boss."

My situation is a little different because we speak two different languages with the children. He tells others he repeats me to make sure the children understood me (they do! - and when they are with me he's not there to repeat me and somehow the children and I understand each other). I know this is part of his control and narcism that the world revolves around him and I'm invisible. We went to parent night at the bilingual school I want DS to start attending this fall. The teachers team teach: one in the local language and one in my language. They each spoke their own language, but didn't repeat each other or translate the other person.


Cordelia - I like your idea of finding humor in it. I don't think it would work in my case as he would think I'm questioning his authority and get annoyed, which just makes things worse for everyone involved. Usually, I just let it roll off me, or sometimes, I point out that I just said it or ask him to stop repeating me.

[SonofThunder]

A second thought for consideration.  PD's are fully motivated by 'self'.   Therefore they are highly concerned what all others think of them.  So if a PD believes that the other parent is 'out-parenting' them, they will mirror/parrot the spouse in order to try and be equally important in the eyes of the children.  It may surely feel infuriating and controlling, but my opinion is it's done to make the PD feel important and needed.

Imo, "backing you up" is another way of confirming that "we're equal" to themselves and the children.  I always have to remind myself I'm dealing with a child-mind in an adult body, and children do this same thing in groups, as they will go along with the popular opinion, restating what has been said, to feel equally important in the group. 

SoT

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. Cordelia I admire your use of humour. I could try this- but like 7years I fear it could be taken badly by the pd. It could backfire on me. But it's worth a try. Cordelia I admire you for keeping your sense of humor. I feel like mine has been eroded away to nothing over the years. I used to be someone with a really sharp sense of fun. I used to make people laugh. I don't feel like that person anymore. Anyway that's a total aside..

SoT you're right, it is very child-like behaviour. I think deep down the pd is very insecure, and he doesn't have much clue what to do/say when he is around the children. So he copies me, just like a child in a schoolyard game, trying to pretend to join in. It feels very fake, very forced, and very damned annoying!!!

It's a very minor issue, but thanks anyway for your feedback and support.

[Hazy111]

SofT hits it on the head , im parroting him of course! 

[stormbrewing]

My expdh would do exactly what you describe Caged. I tried raising the specific behaviour with him, gently and calmly, when he was not already escalated.

The response would be him yelling something like this: So I'm not allowed to talk to the kids ever? Fine! Don't expect me to help the next time they won't do something. I'll never discipline them again!!

If only! The inconsistent and irrational application of ever changing rules and expectations did far more harm then good. He never followed through on that declaration though.