Are these symptoms familiar? What do I do?

[Scallywag]

I just need to get these things off my chest - the things I've noticed since I came home almost two weeks ago.

Constant noises - ticks sighs, sucking of teeth, sighing.
His movements are constant. He taps, strums and knee jerks frequently.
Only tells stories of pain, wrongdoing or people doing bad things to him.
Blames mum for all things in the history of life that have happened to them.
Whenever he doesn't get his way he sulks, or gets verbally aggressive.
If he feels wronged he slams doors, makes noise with items and moves around.
He struggles to accept opinions outside his own.
He is dismissive.
If you don't reply quick enough, he repeats himself aggressively.
He doesn't like certain foods, mostly those that the texture doesn't agree with him like avocado, banana, eggplant or egg.
He is obsessed with the TV, news and technology, but not very good at using it.
He belittles and prods.
He throws away things he thinks are 'in the way'. These are mostly mum's possessions.
He has bouts of clean-freak and obsessively cleans, reorganises or throws away useful items.
He is forgetful. His memory is not good.
He complains about the food that is prepared for him.
He expects thanks and praise for all actions.
He tells mum how to drive while in the passenger seat, and gasps and points.
Mum tries to push back, kindly, gently, and he explodes.
He often stares you down and wags his finger at you aggressively if he feels you have wronged him.
He must control all actions within his range. Mum's texts, the emails, all correspondence, he dictates what to say.
He pesters repetitively until mum replies. He gives her no personal space. He demands she stop what she is doing to listen to him.
He interrupts constantly.
Every action is hard, annoying, frustrating or expected.
He pushes and pushes for time, it must be done in his time frame.
He is negative about most things.
All tasks are 'too much'.
Any change in the expected outcome is 'the worst possible outcome' and 'all people are bad'. And 'nothing works out'.
He criticizes, scoffs and aggressively projects what he would do in any situation.
His opinion is always the final one in any conversation.
He queries his social interactions. He criticizes mums'.
He trusts no one.
All people are bad, this life is hard. Nothing goes to plan.
Inappropriate comments, sexual comments and violence as normal.
He can be violent.

I've told mum to talk to her GP and ask for help. What else should I suggest she do?

[notrightinthehead]

What does your mum want to do? 

[Oscen]

Hi Scallywag, I love your name. Welcome 

This all sounds familiar and toxic. It sounds like you now have wonderful insight into what's going on.

It's a shame about your mother, but she's been there for years and she's an adult.

How about you? How are you feeling being there and dealing with this? Do you need to be there for much longer?

Don't forget to take good care of yourself - put on your own oxygen mask first. 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi scallywag, these symptoms sound uncannily like my stbxpdH, who has been diagnosed with BPD and NPD- vulnerable/covert. I think reading up on covert narcissism could be useful for you. I'm not sure what to suggest as regards your mum. A therapist who specializes in personality disorder could possibly be more helpful than a gp.
Reading your post is like reading a letter from my kids. They are very young right now, but they will pick up on the things you describe in the future. That's why I have chosen to leave.
Wishing you luck x

[Cat of the Canals]

I've told mum to talk to her GP and ask for help. What else should I suggest she do?

There's a book titled "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" that would probably be helpful for her to read... if you can get her to. She might find the notion of him being a narcissist offensive or uncomfortable. This has been my experience trying to get family members to acknowledge what's going on, anyway. But I have found that books are one way I've been able to get through, even if certain words in the title are triggering for the person.

[Scallywag]

Great question @notrightinthehead. I've had a few brief moments to talk to her (dad's around a lot) and she's open to getting herself help (like see a psych and maybe open up to a friend - she's kept it all in for SO LONG), and get some boundaries set up to support herself. She also mentioned talking to her GP/His GP about help and some tests to see if she can get a diagnosis.   

Thanks @CagedBirdSinging - I will do some more reading about covert narcissism. And yes! @Cat of the Canals - I have ordered this book 

@Oscen - thank you! So good to know you all are here. I've used every tool in my toolkit, haven't lost it (cried, yelled or been aggressive in reply), and I am going away knowing that I've tried. I leave tomorrow, back to an even more intense lock down in my city,  but I desperately need space. I hope I can leave mum feeling more supported and less alone.

I'm also going to suggest a Men's Shed or the like, there are a few around their new place. He might appreciate that.

I've also got a feeling he might be headed to dementia or similar. Gotta follow the instincts.

Thanks everyone. Honestly. 

[1footouttadefog]

Have these things always been therewith him?

If they are recent I would be worried about dementia, the non alzhiemers types.

I would have him seen by a medical doctor if possible.  There is likely some meds that will make him less irritable and restless.

[1footouttadefog]

BTW, that is a very exhaustive list of what goes on here at times.

[lilith]

Lots of these are familiar to me. All the little body language and movement things that passively express anger, those ones are the most unsettling to me.

I hope you can find a way to get out of there. He is responsible for himself and your mother is responsible for herself.