PD MIL + enmeshed DH

[salcombesands]

Help please.

Have been lurking here a while as realised my MIL is BPD waif/witch type with enmeshed family. My DH is GC and also peacemaker.

I am miserable in my marriage because for over ten years I have tolerated the bizarre behaviour of them all and now I've had enough.

The latest incident is MIL throwing a strop because I took a photo of her with my DC and shared it with her sister (who she has major jealously issues and disfunction with). She is acting like I've posted a nude pic of her on the internet!

I am so angry with her outburst and it's tipped me over the edge because I've had to navigate sooooo many of these issues in the past between her, DH and me.

He has no backbone and refuses to call out her behaviour. I suggested NC and he told me I was being ridiculous and to just say sorry and move on.

The problem is not so much MIL now but DH. He is so enmeshed he is willing to throw away our relationship for her and I'm just so sad that I don't seem to be able to stop it.

I just can't bear spending the rest of my life dealing with all this stress and negative energy, it's so draining.  My own family would never behave like this with one another so I just find it so challenging to process.

I hope someone can reassure me that I am not overreacting or going mad. My DH thinks I am being very unreasonable but I am tired of pretending I'm happy.

[nillah]

 @salcombesands

Sounds rough, sorry that you're experiencing this. You have been in this relationship for over 10 years, so I think the best you can do in this moment is to trust your feelings and your needs. Yes, you have all right to want your husband to be on your side, and have the right to feel frustrated by MIL's behavior. Allowing yourself to feel these things and taking them as communication nodes about what you need is a good starting point.

I don't have any specific advice about how to deal with DH. It's best not to expect him to change as, well, people change when they want to and at their own schedule/pace. All you can do is really be there for yourself (which you're already doing by coming here, but yes continue, journalling, talking to safe friends, taking time for yourself...).

[Pepin]

I am dealing with similar except that my MIL is a waif, hence DPD.  This is the card she plays to keep DH enmeshed.  He is the GC and was parentified from a very young age.  I would dare say that after FIL passed, that DH was also spousified.  This has been incredibly hard on our marriage - at least it has been for me.  DH on the other hand believes like your DH that I should just roll with it and offers up many excuses for DPD MIL.  If I behaved like her, DH would divorce me but she is allowed to be helpless.  I am honestly waiting for DPD MIL to expire...but I am exhausted already.  Lots of health issues stem from my anxiety about her relationship with my husband and I feel terrible for having been so blind to all of this.  The thing is though that I didn't really see the enmeshment as much of an issue because when I met DH he was highly protective of me.  We didn't live near her either.  All of that started to change after we moved closer to her....little by little DH was becoming ensnared.  Then FIL passed and everything hit the fan.  DH was suddenly promoted to being the head male of the family!  It was his job to look after DPD MIL and take care of her -- DH's siblings more or less silently elected this and FIL before he passed asked DH to taker care of DPD MIL.  Ugh!

I am working through this like you and I totally get it.  I am doing my best to live my life on my terms.  I have found a lot of comfort through Dr. Ken Adams as enmeshment is his specialty - and he just released some new podcasts on YouTube.  While he details everything and is completely validating, it really comes down to staying or leaving and how much we as a spouse can take.  I really and truly feel that my DH does have some veins of remorse about the situation he is in but seriously, there is no one else that wants to step in and relieve him.  So yeah, I hate the rest of his family, too.  The way he is being manipulated makes me sick.  But only he can come to his own on this.  I don't see what the positive result will be for all that he does and sometimes he is clearly sick of her stupid demands...of course vents about it to me.  It isn't like anyone else is keeping a score card on him with regards to his obligation and loyalty to DPD MIL....after she is gone we will be free.

[salcombesands]

Thank you for your kind words of support nillah. I'm finding it comforting to feel like I'm finally connecting to my needs rather than the needs of a bunch of people which cause me ongoing stress and anxiety. I feel like this latest fiasco has really opened my eyes to the way DH is and that whatever hopes I had for change are futile, as you say people don't change on the request of others, it has to come from within themselves.

Pepin this is so validating to hear, thank you. I don't think I fully understand what MIL is, what would you say is the difference between the waif/witch etc? My MIL is very over-sensitive, pretends she is unselfish but makes everything about her and acts like the victim constantly. She also gets very nasty about people behind their backs.

I can't imagine the struggle of your DH being spousified, it makes me feel sick just imagining this for my situation as FIL is nearing 70 and I fear once he's passed that she would do exactly the same. We only live 5 mins away and oddly they rarely have bothered to visit or make an effort to spend time with my DC. Covid was a brilliant excuse for them to become more and more insular. There was a lot of fear-mongering from MIL to DH about our approach to Covid, which was still to the letter of the law but nonetheless I was made to feel like I was doing wrong e.g. I wanted to visit my father last summer with DC who lives 300 miles away, she manipulated him into forcing me to stay at home and I now haven't seen him for 18 months.

I have tried for so many years to live life on my terms but the force is so strong. They speak every night for an hour on the phone. MIL has a tiny life so whatever they talk about I'm not sure. I just don't feel he is the man I married. When we met he loved cycling, the outdoors, adventures and all the things I enjoy. He now works, parents and sleeps. He has no friends. He has no social life or interests. His only influences or perspective are BPDMIL, FIL (I can't remember the term but he is completely under her control and has no life either) and NSIL who is lovely but also parentified and enmeshed.

The very strange part of the dynamic that I've never been able to fathom is this: they are very 'good' people in their need to prove they are sensible, kind and thoughtful to others but this only seems to apply to their quad (parents and 2 children). Anyone beyond their immediate bubble does not get the same treatment. Even all their grandchildren. E.g. BPDMIL has never taken my DC out for the day, on a quick walk, to a park swings (we live 5 mins from each other). We invite them over for dinner but they say no. We suggest to go places and they say they don't go out at weekends. We suggest ideas for things to do and they claim it's not their thing.

But all the while they want to be as close as possible to our business and constantly in DH's ear.

I will check out the YouTube videos you mentioned Pepin, thank you again and I am glad to have found people who can relate. It's a great comfort right now.

[Leonor]

Hi Sal,

Susan Forward's "Toxic In-laws."

Awesome, amazing book to help you understand your dh, his abusive parents, and how to stand in your own power to save your sanity (and even marriage!)