Have you skipped a funeral?

[JenniferSmith]

I am hoping to hear from people who have decided not to attend a funeral in their family - not just for simple reasons like its a distant cousin or its across the country, but when you decide not to attend because you cannot handle seeing the people that will be at the funeral.

In my case, I am going to be facing a funeral fairly soon and I already feel that I don't want to go.  It would help to hear the experiences of people who made that choice, and how you feel about it now?

[moglow]

🙋 Skipped it, never regretted it. My mother is the youngest of seven survived-to-adult siblings, she's now the only one left. We'd been through a string of funerals then her oldest sister passed just a few years back. Mother is/was closest to one of that sister's daughters, and it wasn't a bright happy friendship. They seemed to bond together to spread misery and gossip.

That daughter had managed to disinherit her sisters through a series of last minute attorney visits and codicils to mom's will. When they called mom they were told she was sleeping, I believe she was led to believe they hadn't called. But she'd played those games herself so it's no wonder that's how it ended.

I passed on that aunt's funeral, was never close to or trusted her, wanted no part of the fracas that was surely about to erupt. My oldest brother went, said you could feel the frost when they all gathered. He indicates that some of the looks exchanged should have turned them to pillars of salt.

I contacted my cousins with my condolences. They knew and appreciated my decision to step aside, knowing mother was hip deep in the drama. I knew that even had I gone, mother would have played it up and made it appear I was at least involved if not a ringleader. No thanks.

Mother blasted me later for my lack of respect to *her*. She took my brother's attendance as a sign of solidarity with her, not that he was there to stand with his cousins in their loss. Still all about her. 

[JenniferSmith]

Thanks Moglow ... its helpful to hear how others deal with this.

I also imagine that my decision to not attend will be filed away as more ammunition to use against me at some point in the future by certain family members.  Assuming I don't attend, I'm just going to have to accept that, and get on with my life.  I also planned to send a condolence card to the family members I am not on bad terms with. We are not close, but I wouldn't want them to think I don't appreciate their loss.

[Cat of the Canals]

We lost my BIL in January and did not attend the funeral. PDmil refused to honor any of my husband's brother's wishes. She made it all about herself. We do not regret missing it. The grieving process was painful enough as it was. It would have been so much worse if we'd gone.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Skipped my grandmother's funeral. She hadn't spoken to me for a few years, by her own choice. We had a painful relationship where she just wanted to complain to me, I would just change the subject, and then we had nothing to say to each other. So once she got caller ID she no longer bothered to pick up when I called. She never went anywhere, but she never called me. So that was that.

By the time she died, I had gone NC with my parents. Her death was the cue for the flying monkeys to move in bleating that family needs to stick together during times of tragedy. I had barely any contact with that side of the family for my whole life and my grandmother was almost a hundred. None of them came to my wedding reception even though they were all invited and not far away. I was not about to break NC with my parents for the sake of a dead woman who had never loved me and I didn't even like. There was not a single person at that funeral I would've been pleased to see, so it was not much of a struggle.

It sounds like you do have some relationships you care to preserve, and I think a card is fine. Especially since you are not close with the immediate family.  There are lots of reasons people don't attend funerals. Sometimes it's as simple as they had to work, not a personal slight at all. If people decide to make hay of your absence that's their business. Your business is taking care of yourself first, and then giving what kindness you can.

[ArtLover]

Skipped it. The whole family was turned against me by toxic NM. It would have destroyed me to break NC & be around so many abusers & enablers. Funerals are to support the living survivors, not a reflection on what happened during the life of the deceased.

[doglady]

I skipped an uncle's funeral recently. We weren't super close and I sent my aunt a card. I just couldn't face attending and seeing FOO members there. So I didn't go.
Funeral-going is my uPDm's special hobby, and there are massive expectations in my FOO about attending funerals. So my not attending this funeral would have been seen as yet another strike against me. Oh well.

I am considering what to do when my parents and IL's die as I'm NC with all of them and they're all quite elderly. In the past I have expended way too much time worrying about this and planning what I'll do. These days I tell myself, I'll see how I feel when the time comes. The main reason I would go is if my young adult children wanted to go and needed support. I actually wouldn't want to go for myself. My current plan is that I think I'd go for the church/funeral home service only, sit up the back and leave straight after. I will also contact the funeral home prior to ensure they knew the situation and no shenanigans could be pulled on me, because I know all too well how my uPDm rolls. Anything for control on her part!
I have no judgement about what anyone wants to do about funerals, ie. to attend or not. It's for the living to decide if they *want* to go, and under what circumstances they would go. Hope this helps.

[Adria]

I've skipped many and never regreted it.  But, beware, they will use it to persecute you and say what a cold unloving person you are. 
Here is a link to an article at Luke 17 Ministires.  Thought you might find it interesting. http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=655609

[Pepin]

I attended the service at the funeral home and then skipped the burial.  I had a legitimate health emergency and had to leave promptly - even though I had planned on not attending the burial beforehand.  I felt like I was a third wheel anyway at the last two family funerals I had to attend.  It seemed better to just let DH have his mother, DPD MIL.  Someone was clearly looking out for me by giving me that health emergency that day as a valid excuse.     

[JenniferSmith]

I've skipped many and never regreted it.  But, beware, they will use it to persecute you and say what a cold unloving person you are. 
Here is a link to an article at Luke 17 Ministires.  Thought you might find it interesting. http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=655609

Thank you for posting this! I found it very helpful.

I am dealing with a family member who holds everything I do against me, a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario.  I figure since I can't win no matter what I do, I'm going to do what is best for me.  And so far, that seems like not attending any service.

And thank you everyone for sharing your stories here, it definitely helps to know others have or will struggle with this issue and to hear how you've dealt with it.

[bets]

I have. I skipped my grandmother's funeral because I was terrified of seeing my father. It wasn't a big decision, it simply wasn't possible. He used it as an excuse for his scapegoating. I'm sure he appreciated this, because otherwise there was very little I had done wrong and he needed a reasons for his persecution of me.

I actually planned to attend my father's funeral (I have no idea why), but we got stuck in traffic and I didn't make it.

I plan to skip ALL funerals in the future. I will never go to another family event.

I understand it takes time to believe that you have the right to do this.  It takes time to see yourself as an autonomous adult who has the right to spend her time exactly as she pleases. It takes time to have the self-love to spare yourself contact with toxic people. At least it took time for me.

[Adria]

JenniferSmith,

I am dealing with a family member who holds everything I do against me, a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario.  I figure since I can't win no matter what I do, I'm going to do what is best for me.

I totally agree.  Take care of yourself now. Hugs, Adria

[Hilltop]

JenniferSmith I have thought about this although at this stage it hasn't actually happened. I did go to my grandparents funerals a few years ago and it was unpleasant, a lot of hurtful actions during and after the funeral.

As things are so estranged with my sister now, just the thought of being around her almost sends me into a panic attack.  So no more funerals for me.  I plan on never laying eyes on her in person again or talking to her. My NM would delight in rubbing salt in the wound and she has smeared me to the rest of the family so I am treated pretty poorly by all of them.  I simply don't want to be around that ever again. 

I plan on viewing the service remotely via video link/zoom which most funeral homes have the ability to do for people that can't make it and if I need to I will go to the cemetery later by myself and do my own farewell.  The only funerals I would do that for is for my parents.  I am completely comfortable with viewing the service remotely for both of them.  I don't feel I need to be there in person at all.

[blues_cruise]

I didn't go to my aunt's funeral, which I was really sad about but I have panic disorder and seeing my father and his flying monkey sidekick there would have sent my anxiety through the roof. I've never been close to extended family but I sent my uncle a written card, a donation and some flowers to let him know that I was thinking of them all.

I don't think I will go to my father's funeral. His wife's horrible and I think she would have a passive-aggressive field day if I turned up. Maybe I'll pay my 'respects' after the event and leave something on his grave... 

[JenniferSmith]

Skipped it. The whole family was turned against me by toxic NM. It would have destroyed me to break NC & be around so many abusers & enablers.

This is what I would be facing as well - being surrounded by abusers, neglecters, and enablers. No one I am actually close to, who actually loves me, who would actually care about MY grief over this loss.   There is no sense of trust, safety, or love for me with the people who will attend. I feel weak for not being able to bear that, but I've had my own private way of grieving the loss of this family member.

One of my family members is very big on the "pretend we're a big happy family" thing.  This person is self-centered and egotistical.  The funeral will be another part of putting on that facade, as opposed to being focused on our actual feelings of loss. This person will be getting their supply filled by being in charge of the whole thing.

[alphaomega]

As an only child of a NPDM who had alienated herself (and me) from any remaining extended family, not only did I "skip the Funeral", since I was the only one left, I didnt even have one.

No obit, no service, no pretend platitudes for my own little group of family and friends.  Never went to her bedside death show when hospice called and said her time was drawing near (she had been "dying" for 25 years).   

And thanks to Covid - I finally had my out that I had begged for for decades. 

I do not regret my choice at all.  I know I had to protect myself at all costs from any further trauma to my psyche. 

Watching her die, and playing the grieving daughter role, was a life long task for me. 

I knew what I had to do FOR ME, regardless of whether or not any single other person understood it. 

I am so proud of myself for finally listening to my own heart. 

It was not an easy decision given that most people just cant comprehend what living with a NPD feels like, but I will never say its a personal regret.

It was one of my most empowered choices to the date... and it was only 4 months ago !!

[theonetoblame]

I make no excuses and attend no funerals. Simple.

The funeral of my adopted mother was the last 'family' funeral I will ever attend. Since then a number of relatives have passed, I was either invited and didn't attend, or more frequently was simply not advised and found out after.

It strikes me as kinda weird that the minister in the link above specifies 'birth family'. this isn't an adoption forum, but there are all kinds of families out there... multiple marriages, step parents, etc.

[bloomie]

JenniferSmith - Count me in as another one who has offered condolences privately where I felt appropriate and skipped the 'show' of certain family member's services. I see it as an authentic expression of where the relationship was actually at. Admittedly for me a very hard decision.

I have also attended against my better judgment and really wished I had not. 

Figuring this all out in real time is hard. Sometimes harder than others.

In the end, if we have chosen to be true to ourselves and not hold ourselves to painful, unrealistic standards and expectations of others we can rest in that truth when the push back comes.

And we have each other here... those who truly do understand that there is far more to these decisions than what a casual observer, flying monkey, or distant family member will EVER know or understand.

side note:

It strikes me as kinda weird that the minister in the link above specifies 'birth family'. this isn't an adoption forum, but there are all kinds of families out there... multiple marriages, step parents, etc.

The article linked in a response above is faith based and the minister specifies who they work through healing issues with: "Since I've been ministering to adult survivors of abusive birth-families, I've been moved by the amount of anxiety and years of conflict these questions generate." http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=655609

So, it makes sense they are writing from that perspective in context of their advocacy and work for survivors.

It is a wonderful thing that there are all kinds of families out there. Many of us here have built families of choice that sustain us in ways our FOO would/could never.

I found the gist of the article supportive of those who have suffered abuse at the hands of a family member to choose what is best and right for them regarding attending family member's funerals/memorials. And I found the validation helpful, but the author's perspective and thoughts may not be helpful for all. That's why we take what we need and leave the rest.

Carry on with this important topic...

[JenniferSmith]

Coming back to say I really appreciate the comments here.

In my "real life" I don't really know anyone who has the type of family that folks on this forum sadly do. They are fortunate for that. But I also feel like they don't really get why I would choose not to go to this funeral/service  - they can't conceive of it really.  Reading the comments here makes me feel much less alone.  I would also say I am not particularly happy about not going... I feel its the least worst choice of all the choices.... based on decades of dysfunctional family issues.