What is this? Gas Lighting? Fleas?

[JustKeepTrying]

Last week I sat a graduation ceremony next to my daughter and something happened that has happened frequently with my OCPDxh and two adult DDs.

We were sitting in bleachers, socially distant from other groups, outside, with music blaring, people standing and clapping and cheering, and making quiet comments to each other about the large group of graduates as they processed to their seats on the football field.   One girl with gown flapping open stumbled and swerved to her seat in a tipsy fashion.  My daughter commented that not everyone had their gown zipped and I quipped that she might be drunk.  After which my DD quickly responded "Quiet, someone could hear you!"  Now I grant that my comment was entirely kind but I couldn't see how anyone other than her would overhear me.

Later while listening to the speeches and I commented that I liked the speech and the delivery was great but felt overly rehearsed.  Of course, in a whisper to my DD.  (I have a speech background having taught it for years.). She then whispered back, "Quiet, someone will hear you!"  Then in a louder voice said, "I don't much like him either."  I was stunned.  I hadn't said I didn't like him.  And again, I had whispered.

This isn't the first time my DDs have done this to me.  Invalidated a comment with a response like "Quiet" or "Don't you remember" or "I didn't say that" or something like that.  Subtle, weird comments that silence me to the point where I don't think I can say anything in response to anything.  My OCPDxh did this as well.

A large part of me has wished for a better relationship with my DDs who have sided with my ex - he is playing the martyr role to perfection.  I suspect he is hinting at my having mental problems and issues with my memory etc.  Granted I did have mental issues for many years - anxiety and depression problems that affected my memory and all due to cPTSD caused by HIS mental illness.

Now there is a part of me that really doesn't wish to be with them.  And it is breaking my heart but I am not sure it is healthy to be around them.  Granted this is a feeling and my self-confidence is shaky at best.  I don't know if there is a PD issue there; fleas or what.  Or I'm being hypersensitive. I just know that there was a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right.

Thoughts?  And if it happens again, how do I address it?

[1footouttadefog]

I have a college age daughter.  She is very self conscious of my actions and what I say when we are in public, but especially so where there are a lot of people who le in her age group.

I think this is somewhat common for the upper teens through young adult.

They still think everyone is looking at them and judging every word they say as was true in Jr and Sr high school.  Add to this all the virtue signaling that is part of the youth culture and its a minefield. 

I hope that as they mature you will have a good relationship with them.  Hang in there if they are decent kids things will mellow out as roles are settled. There are a lot of big life changes right now.

[JustKeepTrying]

1footoutadefog,

I would agree with you if my DDs weren't in their upper 20's with advanced degrees and incredible success on their own.  They aren't college-age embarrassed by being with their mother.  One is a mother as well.  That is why it so befuddles sometimes.

I am very proud of them - they both choose difficult educational paths and have made great success of it.  They are strong yet they are so entirely fooled by their father.  Granted my eldest has asked to not talk about the past because she doesn't want to ruin her memories.  She is an incredible mathematician with master's degrees.  My middle has the highest educational honor and yet still treats me so poorly yet allows her father to visit frequently - while I am put off.  I am so very confused and this past visit with her side remarks just really rankled me.  It's like that covert insidious behavior by my ex that would just lay there and make me feel so small.

Sigh.

[Andeza]

Oh? And if someone hears you what does it matter? We each have our own opinions, and it should be understood that not everyone will always agree with everyone else. What matters is the way in which we got about disagreeing, that it be done respectfully and gracefully.

Which is to say, your dds are just treating you badly for whatever reason. I don't know why, but believe your suspicions have merit.

Even if we assume their response is not related to the influence of their pd father, the response is still not justified. It's not like you stood up and shouted that you hate someone.

[Cat of the Canals]

The fact that you say your ex did this makes me think it could be FLEAs. Shushing you could be so "normal" to them, they might not realize they're doing it.

If it was a PD, I would set a hard boundary. The next time it happened, I would say, "Please don't shush me." And let them huff and puff all they want, knowing I'd said my peace.

But given that they are your daughters and hopefully it is just unconscious, conditioned behavior, I would wait for a moment to address it more gently. "You may not have realized this, but you shushed me twice at the graduation ceremony, even though I wasn't speaking loudly. I felt dismissed and invalidated."

They might try to deny or deflect. MC through it. I suspect that even if they don't take responsibility for it in that moment, pointing it out might be enough for them to recognize the behavior going forward and stop.

[1footouttadefog]

If they are older then yes you are being devalued or dismissed.

I would agree with the previous post that you could gently being up in the way described.

They are adults and should no longer take you and your feelings for granted as a child might.