Can a PDs supply come from friends? And setting boundaries?

[Billy Mountain]

A few months ago my uBPDw started hanging out with new friends that she works with. As a result I'm feeling pushed aside. They all seem like nice people, but I haven't really interacted or had the opportunity to meet them. This is a big step for my wife who has never really had or kept many friends in the past. She did have a tight group of girls that she grew up with, but recently had a falling out with during COVID. I am genuinely happy for her with these new friends and think it's very healthy for her to have a support system outside of me. I've been encouraging friendships for years, but there were always reasons that she couldn't or wouldn't. I tried to have some couples as friends, but she always found a way to sabotage it or she didn't like one of the people in the couple.  As for me, I've had opportunities for lots of friends and have had many starts at friendships since we moved here years ago, but she has always found issue with them, or me for not putting her and the kids first. As a result I've let those relationships wither to prove to her I care.

The new friendship has turned into them spending a lot of time together. But there are parts of it I'm struggling to make sense of in my mind and it's a real struggle to articulate how I feel about it. I feel jealous, mad, sad, insecure, overbearing, used ... I've been kept at a distance and haven't really interacted with any of them, with the exception of one. My wife and I had a date night planned because the kids were staying at grandmas, but she threw out a double date as an option instead. Great, I'd actually like to meet the friend and her husband. Maybe it would help me feel more comfortable about everything if I knew who she was hanging out with.

Once I met the friend and her husband, I immediately knew why it was considered a close friendship for my wife. The friend was providing a 'supply' for my wife. Gifts, borrowing clothes, the way she talked to her was like they are now besties, (They could be, and that would be nice too), felt like love bombing without the love. Is it possible for the new 'supply' to be friends? Is this why I'm being discarded?

The other part to this is another friend in the group. She and my wife have been going out once a week for girls night out for the past three months. I have a million red flags about it, but of course it's all being dismissed or I'm trying to control her. They close down a bar and she's not coming home till really late. Last night she came home at 4. The bar closes at 2. She gave me a story about watching everyone at the bar search for a drunk guy who wandered into the woods. Random. A few weeks ago we had a pretty big fight where I told her I was happy she had friends, but I wasn't comfortable with the late nights and I wasn't comfortable with the friend she was closing down the bar with. This friend who is married had been actively pursuing a male coworker, so I feel she has questionable morals. The male co-worker was also out with them a few times but my wife 'forgot' to mention it to me. After a lot of back and forth, I said I just want to feel like I'm involved and not shut out of your life, because it feels entirely removed from me. We go back and forth, and I suggest just sending a picture of where you're at. Not as proof, but as a hey hon, wish you were here look at this cool thing I saw. I used to do it in the past for her, otherwise she'd freak out and accuse me of cheating. I also used to have to do that when I worked late to prove I was alone.

So 3-4 weeks ago, she is out late and sent me a picture. 'Hey sitting here just hanging out by the fire, be home soon.' Great! I felt included. Like she cared. Except she sent me that at midnight, the picture was from dusk 3 hours earlier. I don't think she saw the sliver of sky in the background. I waited till the next day to ask her. She explained it away as a picture she had taken earlier and said 'I wish you had said something then instead of the next day. I could have sent you another picture to make you feel better and it would have been fixed right away'.

Fast forward to last night. I wake up at 2:30, she's not home. I text her at 2:45 and ask if she's ok. Takes awhile and she says she's fine. Coming home soon. I tell her now would be a good time to make me feel better about our relationship. Her response is she's leaving now. I reminded her that last time she said to tell her if I was feeling insecure and she could ease my mind in the moment instead of letting it fester. Could she help me out? Another hour goes by and she says she's finishing her drinks now and then heading home. At this point, I'm upset, so I immediately ask for a picture of the bar. Within 5 minutes her response is she's already left and is driving. WTF. Literally did what she asked me to do and I don't feel like she lived up to her end.

Am I nuts? Am I being controlling? Is that going too far on my end? My only point of reference here is her telling me I am being controlling. It doesn't match with my gut though. I genuinely want her to have friends, I'd just like to feel secure in our relationship when she does it. On top of all this in the past few months she has gotten a whole new wardrobe, lost weight, gets all done up to go out. All new behaviors. All while distancing herself from me. Too much to get into, because this is already long enough. She has admitted that in the past she stoked jealousy in me on purpose. Could this be a messed up way of doing that?

I also think what hurts is that she is now taking 'time to put herself first' when for 15+ years I have always put her first, sacrificed friends, family, business opportunities, jobs, hobbies, for her. But now it's ok for her because it's healthy. She does admit it was wrong for her to treat me that way and has apologized (once in anger), but I'm still bitter.

I guess my questions are:

Can friendships be a new supply for a BPD?

What would you do/say about the late nights at the bar? What would a boundary look like in this situation? I don't want to control, but I also don't want to sit by and ignore my own voice.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did.

What sticks out in your post for me is: ".....for 15+ years I have always put her first, sacrificed friends, family, business opportunities, jobs, hobbies, for her....." Of course you will feel bitter. Of course you will feel insecure, of course your well being will be dependent on her. Because those are the choices you have made.
You could use this change in your wife as an opportunity to re-connect with yourself, your own interests, hobbies, wishes - the person you are meant to be. Or you can chase after your wife, monitor everything she is doing, try to influence her to go back to how she was.
Whatever you decide to do,  I strongly urge you to read the toolbox and start applying the strategies that are relevant to you. And to get some help for yourself.  You might look into Co-Dependency or counselling,  or you just re-connect with some acquaintances you have neglected that show promise of social support.

What really made a change in my life was when I stopped looking at what my partner did and started looking at what I did.  Was what I did really in my best interest? Was that really what I wanted to do?  Was sacrificing my wishes for the sake of less conflict in the relationship really the better long term option?

As for your question concerning the late nights at the bar - What are your options? Do you want to go to the bar and drag her out? Do you want to lock her out of the home if she does not stick to the curfew? She is an adult. She decides what she does. You do not like what she does.  What can you do or stop doing as a consequence?

[1footouttadefog]

I think you have every reason to be suspicious, especially since this is not a typical pattern.

I would be concerned she is having an affair, or has devalued you.

Trust your gut. Something is likely not as it should be.

At the same time I will say that yes a pd person can get n supply from a friend.  Sometimes a person is like an inverted narc.  Being that they are a caretaker type of person who only truly feels fulfilled when they are getting narc supply from a narc. 

I will add that for about 4 years I went on a girl's night out.  It was a bit different in that we went to a local golf resort bar and grill and we were among my church members while there a great deal of the time.  Many lived in the resort neighborhood.  At any given time there would be a couple or two we new there eating or grabbing a beer.  At anytime pdh could have dropped by and seen our cars outside and satisfied his doubt or curiosity.  Sometimes we went as a family and had a bite to eat then I stayed to chat and have a couple glasses of wine or beer. I was usually home between 10-11.  I was drinkng with my kids Sunday school teacher and other women from church or neighborhood, as well as chatting with resort visitors.

I think you will recognize the difference in accountability.

[Simon]

Yeah, I agree with 1foot.
Something doesn't sound right.
I'm not a jealous man, but I would be suspicious of her behaviour.

Sending you a photo that she said she just took at midnight, not realising there was evidence in the photo that it was taken hours earlier.
That one worries the most.
Why would she do that?

And when you asked her to come home and she said she's leaving now, an hour later you ask her where she is and to ease your mind, as you'd agreed in the past, and she still didn't come home. Then when you ask her for a photo an hour later, she suddenly says she just left and is on the way, so she doesn't have to send you a photo?
I don't know what she's up to, but she clearly didn't mind you worrying and stressing, because she didn't ease your mind as you'd both arranged prior.

I know that you're worried that you'd come across as controlling and unreasonable for confronting her on this, but man, I don't think there's a single person on this board, even if you reverse the genders, that would put up with that sort of behaviour, lack of respect, and selfishness.
We would all be suspicious, because her behaviour is very suspicious.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I know I wouldn't accept that.
How would she feel if you did that to her?
I think we know the answer.

I've always believed that relationships should be balanced, and if she wants that sort of freedom, then you are entitled to it too.
If she doesn't want you to have that sort of freedom, then she shouldn't be indulging in it either.
Obviously there's nothing wrong with having new friends, and it's healthy, but it sounds like she's acting like she single.

What you are describing sounded very familiar when I was reading it.
Not because I went through it, but because my Sister started behaving this way many years ago, and my Brother-in-law, who was a nice guy, made all the concessions she asked for, and put up with all the same behaviour you describe.
She put him through hell with worry for many months, even saying that she had joined a pool team (billiards), and that she was out with the girls practicing.
She wasn't, and it didn't end well.
Everything that he hoped wasn't happening, was happening, and although she strung him along for a while longer, that was the end of the marriage.

I don't want to sound disrespectful to you, but it sounds like she has conditioned you to allow her to have her cake and eat it, and has made you afraid to confront her.
You mention PD in the title, but do you know for sure she has a Personality Disorder?
Has she been diagnosed, or have you just seen enough of the traits to know she is?
If the answer is no to both of those, then maybe it's time to have a real good talk to her, and find an agreement that suits both of you.
If she does have a Personality Disorder, then I'm not sure what you can do.
Talking won't help, and she will do what she wants one way or another.

As for whether PDs can get supply from friends, that's a definite yes.
They can get positive and negative supply off anyone.
It's all the same to them.
It's all attention.
And if one of the friends is all over her, fawning all over her constantly, then she will lap that up.
That's nectar to them!

I feel for you man.
I wish you luck.

[escapingman]

Really sad to read what she is putting you through, unless you can confront her and make her see I don't think you have much else to do than to either accept it or buckle up and leave.

As for getting supply from friends, my uNPDw has a friend she feeds off. The meet once a week and the friend keep telling her all misery that i happening to her, afterwards my wife is so "high" on this that she most of the times projects all misery her friend told her about her husband on to me and blames me for things he has done as if I had done them to her  . She also gets a lot of her supply from the gym, both by seeing a personal trainer and attending classes. Both feeding her ego by the PT apparently telling her she is the best and everyone in the classes always admiring her. Not sure how much I believe of it but to be honest I don't care, every day I hope she will run away with the PT but I have reason to suspect he would have her. But to keep it short, PD's can get their supply from anything (objects or people as they are all the same to them).

Good luck with everything, I feel for you!

[ddk]

You've already caught her in too many lies.  You have every reason not to trust her.  I would take the advice of others here and start feathering your own nest - take care of yourself.  Seek your own autonomy and stop looking to her to complete you.  Unfortunately, you've grown accustomed to one-sided relationships and taking care of a self-centered liar.  The 'getting used to it' damages us.  It inures us to the pain of abuse and then we no longer recognize it as abuse because we're numb.

No one is worth this.  NO. ONE.