I'm getting married in just a few days...

[ShyTurtle]

...and my future hubby's stepmother is being so difficult. The moment I met her, the pd radar alarm bells went off in my mind. She's always been on her best behavior when I'm around, but when I'm not, my future hubby gets such poor treatment from her.  And my hubby wants to have the wedding on their farm (which they agreed to ages ago) so she feels like the world owes her even more so now.

The other night she self-diagnosed a mini stroke but didn't go to the doctor. 

I haven't invited my own pd mother to this wedding. One self-centered, overly dramatic woman is enough. And I think this is why people elope.

Here's to hoping the police don't have to be called at this wedding!

[Poison Ivy]

Best wishes, ShyTurtle! I hope the wedding goes well, without drama from your soon-to-be husband's stepmother (or anyone else).

[Jolie40]

Congratulations!

 

[bloomie]

ShyTurtle - Going to come in kinda strong as an advocate for you having had a mother and mil who brought so much drama and angst to our wedding we gave up and had a tiny ceremony to avoid the pain of it all. And they were still angry and acting out. And one of them is still with us, drama-bound to this day. Lord help me!!! 

NO matter what this woman pulls in the coming hours, days, weeks, months, decades.... but, especially for your wedding, you strap on your imaginary kevlar vest over your heart and you lift up your head and you claim your ceremony and celebration and begin your life as you mean to go. Strong, united, wise, cool, confident, savvy enough to pivot away from toxic behaviors/words and avoid nonsense!!

Leave any drama with her. Just imagine yourself dropping it right back into her lap. Plop!

Medical emergencies - real or faux should be handled by other guests or family members who are NOT getting married that day.

She feels faint... she needs to go to a dark room and lay down for a few hours or possibly days and weeks!

She thinks she may be having another self diagnosed cerebral event... well... someone will need to get her quietly and discreetly to the ER STAT! Full head to toe exam with hours of testing and imaging are needed and she may need to stay the entire night!  But you won't know because you are not there with her or getting updates because you are getting married and this is one of the most important moments/days of your life. 

Your mil is not your responsibility. You are an observer only when/if something arises. You observe.. and then you move on and enjoy your party!

Kick up your heels. Have fun! Dance the night away! Celebrate this amazing day as you start your new life together in the presence of people who LOVE you!! Don't let anything penetrate your kevlar vest that will be tucked underneath your wedding clothes!

YOU HAVE GOT THIS!!

Now come back and let us know how it goes. Congrats to you and your DH!!!

[Boat Babe]

Beautifully said Bloomie.

[engineer31]

Congratulations! I hope everything goes smoothly. I think Bloomie hit the nail on the head with this one. 

[Adria]

Congratulations ShyTurtle. I hope you have a beautiful day. Make it all about you no matter what.
Bloomie, great advice. Well said.

[Starboard Song]

Lift up your head and claim your ceremony and celebration, and begin your life as you mean to go. Strong, united, wise, cool, confident, savvy enough to pivot away from toxic behaviors and words!!

Bloomie, if I ever seem to be struggling, you have permission to come on strong for me. That was well done!

I write to compliment Bloomie, and to add my congratulations to ShyTurtle. And to go ahead and say it: if things go weird with your MIL, the man you've chosen as your life partner is your single most reliable partner, and the one who also owes you the most. It needs to be mutual. So stay ever so close to the DH, and ensure he does the same for you, so that your household is a rock: a unit.

[Starboard Song]

ShyTurtle!

I sure hope that by now you've had a lovely wedding ceremony and that it was low drama. As you emerge into matrimony, please do be ready: you've read the stories here. You know how things can go. It is a good idea for you and DH to not emulate the frog in the pot........or turtle in the pot. You need to notice early when the water is getting warmer. Because unlike the proverbial frog, you are not powerless.

Early in this relationship, you two together can decide what temperature works for you both. You can enact boundaries early that coach people to their better angels and help preserve your peace. You can decide how to communicate with folks on the hard issues: will you both go and hold sit-downs together, when that is the needful thing? Will you each take responsibility for your own (I don't recommend that, myself)? There are a lot of approaches to choose from, deciding what works for you two together.

And yes, I know, boundaries sometimes can aggravate those unaccustomed to respecting others. Enacting them early can seem to be picking a fight. We are six years NC, so I know. But boundaries are nothing more than a decision of what you will or will not do, or engage with. Boundaries very much resemble morals, and they are an aspiration of the best we want for our homes and families.

If you two decide early how to run your home you can guarantee more peace for longer, and -- most importantly -- you can be right there together, ever so close, if the going ever does get very rough.

Congratulations again. I just wanted to share that message of strength with you.

Be good. Be strong.