Blocking vs having proof of harassment

[Sidney37]

I have always thought that blocking was the way to go after NC.  I've found recently that blocking isn't foolproof.  Blocked phone numbers don't ring in, but go to voicemail.  Blocked Facebook contacts seem to be able to send messenger messages.  New or alternate email addresses can be used to send email.  It's getting old, stressful and I'm tired of it.   I know I'm not supposed to have them in my head all of the time, but it's hard not to some times when I know they will find a way to contact me on important and sentimental days of the year.

Recently it was an important week historically for my family.  One of the days I received a meme by email from enD that was altered by him to make it about grandparents. I think it was originally a meme about divorced parents fighting over their kids.  Basically it told me that I was an evil person for manipulating and lying to my kids to make them hate their grandparents.  Of course several therapists have said that my kids shouldn't have contact with my parents so I know I'm doing the right thing.

Does it make more sense to block or unblock people so you have proof of what they are doing in case the situation escalates?  In my case, blocking isn't working well anyway.  I'm not sure what the right answer is.   I hate how these messages make me feel.

[Fortuna]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so frustrating when they refuse to allow us boundaries to heal ourselves. I'm not sure how much evidence you already have but it may be enough to get a restraining order, or at the very least send a cease and desist letter. If their contact is putting you in a bad place I would recommend going all out and changing your number, your email and so on, heck move if it's feasible.
I put any contact in a box labeled [PDmom] Doesn't Listen, mail unopened, the voice mail saved but hopefully not listened to, I write in my journal if she tried something else, like sending  a cake over the holidays. I have it if I need to prove she's been harassing me, but it's not something i look at everyday. But I also have a PD person that doesn't have much of a flying monkey network, and my default state is the lost child anyway so making a weak attempt to say she tried and them doing nothing else is par for the course for my mom, thank goodness. If your PD family members are more insistent straight up block them. You deserve peace.

[Sidney37]

Thanks.  I thought that having them blocked that they were actually blocked.  I wonder if they were just not trying to contact me until recently.  They are sending friend requests, voicemail messages, emails, etc.  As of now they aren't threatening.  Just insisting that I contact them or call back. We're afraid that a C&D letter will escalate things, so we've avoided doing it so far.  I'm just left wondering if I should unblock and have proof if I actually do need a cease and desist or a restraining order. 

[Starboard Song]

Facebook does allow you to totally block a member by name. It is deep in the bowels of Facebook: Settings / Blocking / Block Users. Some phone companies, but perhaps not all, allow you to completely block specific numbers as well.

We struggle with your question, but this is where we landed: it is extremely rare for any of us to "prove" anything to anyone. It is even more rare to do it in a way that matters much, like to a judge. So blocking maximizes our peace and quiet, and gives up very little upside.

We blocked everywhere we could, and started destroying all mailed envelopes and packages unopened: they would never even enter the house. So aside from them addressing things to my DW by her maiden name, we had near zero contact. So much good luck to you.

Be good. Be strong.

[Sidney37]

Thanks Song.  Blocking has seemed to help with my anxiety and peace. I'll keep trying,

I know you have a teenage child, also.   Did you block on your child's device or were the PDs  not so savvy to find him on social media?  My older teen is getting friend requests and feels guilty about blocking.  I truly wonder what will happen when she leaves for college. 

[moglow]

Sidney, I recently blocked mommie dearest cell again, and found out that blocking on the phone itself seemed to just block notifications. Messages still came through. I went through my cell carrier and blocked her there, and [within hours via yet another of her everso charming messages from her home phone] was told that Verizon actually has a message for callers when their number is blocked. I'd left home phone unblocked on the off chance she might actually need me, but already realize I may need to reconsider that option as well.

Contrary to what they may think, grandparents aren't entitled to force relationships on your children or bypass you to get to them. I don't have children but if I did I'd have no hesitation blocking her/them on all their devices if she continued to go behind my back to them. Once they leave home/go to college, I'd probably leave it to kids to decide when or if they want contact with grandparents and be there should they ask me to intervene. I just know I wouldn't have appreciated it -however well meant- had someone else stepped in once I was an adult. Maybe look at it as a learning experience for them, Heaven knows they'll get that opportunity soon enough from others in the world. Your children know the situation and what it took to get you there - I have a feeling they saw and heard a lot more than you realize, and probably already know which way that wind is blowing.


On the question of proof - my understanding of most situations is that there has to be actual threat of physical danger, if not an outright attack for restraining orders to be granted. I'm sure the courts see plenty of family estrangements and sympathize with what you're facing, but to a great extent their hands are probably tied. If they use money as some sort of dangling carrot, wouldn't it be lovely if the punishment could fit the crime, say a fine-based system where every violation the fine is increased AND enforced. I would think that would drive the lesson home quick fast and in a hurry!

[Starboard Song]

Thanks Song.  Blocking has seemed to help with my anxiety and peace. I'll keep trying,

I know you have a teenage child, also.   Did you block on your child's device or were the PDs  not so savvy to find him on social media?  My older teen is getting friend requests and feels guilty about blocking.  I truly wonder what will happen when she leaves for college.

We did block them on our son's device. But they were not savvy and have made no elicit digital attempts. Not even creating a new email address, which is free and easy. We started letting him receive mail from them a good while back. For a while he said he didn't want to. Then he'd open it, review it, and throw it out. But he did keep a couple of pictures they sent one time. They have now stopped sending him mail, even.

We haven't received any communication attempt since early this year. And that was to me, not him.

How we handle kids in this situation is so dependent upon (1) their age at onset, (2) the reasons for NC, and (3) their age now. There is no one-size-fits-all.