Advice needed for DH

[Seven]

So DH has been NC with his parents since April.  They are on our phone plan.  Both of their iPhones are super-old and service will eventually stop, so says the cell carrier.  So the carrier sent replacement iPhones (refurbs semi-older) to our address.

DH's words "I'm in a conundrum"

If he doesn't contact them to give them their updated phones and their old ones stop working, they'll think he cut them off.  But he really doesn't want to break NC.

I'm thinking that the actual dial in/dial out of the old phones will work, but I don't know.  I think it would just be the texting, interwebs, etc that may not function.  None of those things they do anyway. 

I'm in the camp of "no matter what he does, they're going to think and believe what they want anyway"

I don't know how to help him navigate this situation.

[JustKathy]

You're probably right that they're going to believe whatever fits their narrative. If the phones stop working they'll more than likely claim it was a deliberate act of sabotage that was designed to hurt them.

Since the carrier mailed you the replacement phones, would it be possible to put a new label on the box and forward it to them? Send it signature required so you know they received it. That seems to be the only way to get the phones to them without breaking NC.

I'm not exactly tech-savvy, but I think you're correct in saying that the actual calling function of the phone will continue to work no matter how old it is. It's just apps and things that will become outdated. Still, I doubt you and your DH want those phones sitting around your house as a reminder, so it might be best for both your hubby and in-laws if the phones can be delivered in a way that doesn't require actual contact. That's what I would do, anyway.

[Andeza]

If the carrier had a physical location, I would go down there and ask them to ship it to the actual address. Worst they can say is no, but if it comes from them and not you guys then he hasn't broken NC at all and they'll be none the wiser.

[Cat of the Canals]

Assuming you're in the US, you should be able to buy postage from the PO without any information on the label. So you could mail the phones to his parents without a return address and they won't really know where the phones are coming from.

[Sidney37]

Seven
I'm reading this and thinking several things.  I totally agree that the best plan is to send the phones to them with the return address that was on them when they got sent to you,   Either you and DH do that or have the carrier/store do that.  Send them
as if they came from the provider. 

I'm thinking back to the heating/AC issue that I think prompted the NC to begin with.  Are they going to contact you or DH and demand your help in setting up these phones?  I know they were awful to your DH and his friend about the repair.  Can they call the carrier or go to the local store without one of you or without information only you have about the account to get the phones set up?  My carrier requires a PIN number that only I know.  Without it, they won't even help my husband with the phone in his hand at the store. 

They are on your plan?  I wonder with the NC if I'd want them on my plan going forward.  What difficulties and demands will there be having them tied to you financially in that way?  As I've talked to a friend with a PDm this past few months, I have seen that sharing phone plans, Netflix accounts and such has caused more Pd drama than I would have expected.  Just thinking forward and wondering if eventually getting them off your account plan might help with your peace in the NC in the future. 

[Starboard Song]

So DH has been NC with his parents since April.  They are on our phone plan.  Both of their iPhones are super-old and service will eventually stop, so says the cell carrier.  So the carrier sent replacement iPhones (refurbs semi-older) to our address.

NC is not always self-executing. When you break up with a boyfriend, everyone has to get their CDs and their tennis racquet back at some point. Right now, you have their tennis racquet. We had so many of my in-laws tennis racquets that we had to re-open communications with them both for a few weeks. It was challenging for us, as we owed the family some assistance getting through end-of-life and estate matters. Such weighty things, and even little cellphones, are part of the breakup. We got there, though, and have only had two interactions with them in almost 5 years now.

Think about the analogy to a breakup, for I think it is spot on. It means you're going to have to take some actions to give effect to your NC decision.

I'd suggest you notify them in writing that they will be removed from your phone plan as of _____ date, and suggest they obtain new service elsewhere. Then you just need to return the phones to the company and cancel them off your plan in 60 days or whatever. The problem with this option is that you may not be ready to take the step of removing them from your plan. That's a hard decision, but doing it now leads to the lowest contact soonest.

If your DH don't want to remove them from your service yet, then minimalist contact is to mail them the two devices with a very brief explanatory note that they are necessary upgrades. The challenge with this option is that you still have their racquet: issues will continue to arise.

I do not see an option that requires no communication, but there is no need to speak with them, or re-engage, in order to conduct this dry business transaction: it can be done via mail and in writing.

I've been there. It is hard. You can do it. It gets better.

Be good. Be strong.

[Seven]

To all, yes I can ship.  We sell on Amazon and eBay for a living so shipping is not a big deal.  It's literally my job.

Sidney, To answer your question...yes, they'll end up having to call one of us (DH, who will then pass on to me) most likely to activate the phones, unless we activate them prior to shipping, which immediately deadens their old phones. If they go into the store DH will most likely have to be there as the account holder, since it's a business account.  So, we ship them the phones and the ILs sit there with them not knowing what to do.  It's not just a matter of activating the phones.  It'll be importing contacts, apps, literally resetting everything.

This isn't the first NC with them.  DH attempted to repair the rift from years ago, the rift that they caused but he tried to mend.  This most recent HVAC incident, he said "I didn't break this, you need to fix it". Radio silence.  So he'll speak to them, but only if they make the first move and apologize. hahahahahaha!  We know how that goes.

Of course if he drops them from the plan, it's just one more thing for them to hold over his head

Another damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. 

I do like the idea of shipping it to them and letting them figure it out on their own.  Because what will happen is they'll either figure it out, or they'll go up to the store and realize they can't do a thing about it, and give up...because they sure as shit won't call DH for help.  Their ego is just too large for that.

[Andeza]

Yeah, ship and let them figure it out. There are probably thousands of guides to help move stuff over, and on most phones you just sign in and it asks if you want to port stuff over. No muss, no fuss. Definitely not like it used to be, but in a good way for once!

[Seven]

That's the thing Andeza, they wouldn't even know how to sign in.
Take it up to the store..."what's your Apple ID?"
Answer: "what's that?  I don't know"

But like I said, they'd rather go without than to make amends with their son, who evidently I have a huge grip on.

[Sidney37]

They might be without phone service if they can't figure out how to play nice and do what it takes.  I'm so sorry for you and your husband.  It's easy for us to say just mail it or cut them off your plan.  The stress of carrying those things out can be enormous.  Virtual hugs from here!   

[Leonor]

Rule One of Dealing with Personality Disordered Parents is that there is no way they will not badger, guilt trip, plead, scold, or freeze you out.

It's not damned if you do, damned if you don't.

It's just damned.

So stop trying to head off the next emotional hurricane, because it has nothing to do with you.

It has to do with the emptiness of self and maelstrom of feelings going on inside of them.

There is nothing they can hold over your dh's head, it's all imaginary.

Lots and lots of older people have cell phones. If they're in the US, they can use Consumer Cellular, which is for older adults. I use it because it's cheap.
The help desk people are so trained to work with older adults that they practically ask you if you've taken all your medication and had that freckle looked at before they help you set up your phone.

His parents want to stay on your plan because that's a string they can keep jerking him around on.

Advice for dh? Get your parents off our cell plan. That's enmeshment and it's causing us unnecessary stress.

[Andeza]

Ultimately Leonor is right. Best situation is having manipulative conniving people NOT on your cell plan. It's that last binding tie they have. Dh has cut his parents off just recently, but we were in a situation in which they actually owed us money. He blocked them on the payment site because he doesn't want that hanging over anybody and felt a clean break was least painful for them.

The only reason I said ship the phones is because I get the feeling you guys feel obligated to do something, even though you don't have to do squat, and you're going to end up backing yourselves in a corner where you feel that doing something is the only option even though doing nothing is perfectly fine.

(Get that freckle checked killed me! Haha!)

[hhaw]

The cellphone company can help your parents set up phones if and when they put their own plan in place.

If the phones are through a business the parents are a part of... it might be more complicated than that.

[Seven]

Leonor, that was huge wake up.  Thank you.  I feel that DH thinks the only thing keeping him tied is the idea of his inheritance.  And although he has said out loud that he no longer expects a dime from them, I think deep down he really doesn't believe his own statement.  He is an only child.  He knows nothing of their final plans, ie if there is a will, life insurance, etc. He thinks there MIGHT be a trust for him and we know for sure they have LTC insurance, but as far as anything else goes, the ILs keep DH on a huge info diet regarding their money.  They are very protective of it. They think I'm only with DH for THEIR money.  So appropriately, we live like he will get nothing from them.

It doesn't help that we've had a few sets of friends with recent inheritances who literally squandered it away, made super-bad financial decisions, treated their parents like absolute shit and still got enough to retire on.  DH is over here thinking to himself "I am a good son, why are my parents so shitty to me?" So that's painful to watch.  I hate seeing him in pain.

So would they cut him out (if they haven't already) over something as petty as a cell phone?  You bet your sweet bippy.  They are big into perceived sleights. Very entitled.  Everything is an attack on them.   So I'm pretty sure he's afraid that the cell phone would be the straw that broke the camels back for them.  My thing is, if he contacts them about this, there will just be another straw later on down the road. 

Hhaw, thankfully they are not a part of our business.

I'll relay all of this to DH.  The good thing about him is he listens and processes info very well.  These stupid phones have become a symbol of what their relationship is like.

But come to find out we have time to sit on this.  Evidently their old phones are good through February, so no immediate action needs to be taken.

[SunnyMeadow]

So would they cut him out (if they haven't already) over something as petty as a cell phone?  You bet your sweet bippy. 

Yes indeed. My parents removed a grandchild from their will because he didn't call them in a TIMELY MANNER. So your dh could expect an inheritance because he's an only child and they leave it to the latest neighbor who calls them in a timely manner.   

I'm the only one left who talks to my parents and I don't expect anything. I know how quickly they can change a will. I feel bad for your dh, I know the struggle.

[JustKathy]

So would they cut him out (if they haven't already) over something as petty as a cell phone?  You bet your sweet bippy.

They may have already cut him out for going NC. When it comes to inheritance, don't ever bet on it with PD parents. These people are driven by revenge and the slightest thing will set them off. Being an only child is no guarantee.

I was one of three, but my brother was the GC and had been the sole heir his entire life. He believed his inheritance was guaranteed and failed to save for his future, secure in the knowledge that he'd be getting that money. Oops, Nmother had a fight with his wife and took him out of the will. They made my sister the new GC and sole heir, but had my brother been an only child, they would have left it to charity as a final "eff you."

I would work on the assumption that there's no inheritance and maybe end up being pleasantly surprised. If you let them control your life because of a possible inheritance, you may end up getting hurt twice. I'm speaking from my own experience here, but it is pretty common for PD parents to weaponize their will. If you're talking about a huge inheritance, then maybe it's worth taking some lumps over, but if it's a modest amount, it's just not worth it.