Uninvited to family reunion

[Msdatsun]

Hi. This is first time posting but was here years ago to help me go no contact and divorce my NH. So helpful and was successful. Thank you to everyone on here!  I waited 3 yrs before starting a new relationship that was healthy. Fast forward...my current DH has kept my contact with his uPDF at arms length. He has told me tidbits of info about him. As time has gone on I've come to learn that my DH is the scapegoat child of an uPD parent. My DH couldn't keep it in any longer and started sharing everything with me that is said/done to him. It has angered and saddened me to learn the awful truth and even more heartbreaking that my 55 yr old DH is still holding on to the hope that his uPDF will change and become the F he never had. We were planning to attend a weekend family reunion plopped in the middle of what we thought was a vacation for us. Wrong. uPDFIL went into a rage when we turned down going to a cookout with him because we made plans to do something else. The attacks on my DH were disgusting and vile, but my DH held his ground. I supported him. We were uninvited. DH got the silent treatment which was killing him so he apologized to his uPDF in "hopes" to change his behavior/mind.But because I supported him I am now the one to blame and he can go but Im uninvited. Now the smear campaign has started on me. I am truly at a roadblock here. My DH is so torn and sad because he feels if he doesn't go everyones trip will be ruined. We all know thats not true, but it's ingrained in him he is responsible for everyones happy/unhappiness. I have always been supportive of DH healthy choices in life.  Choosing abuse is not healthy and sooo hard for me to support. Do I say "go, I understand" knowing that the abuse is going to be horrific? He hates what has happened, is blaming himself and no matter how I try to help him, he is clinging on to that tiny hope of a fantasy his F will all of a sudden be what he always wanted and needed. It's difficult to watch. Knowing the vile that was spewed upon my DH and me for turning down a cookout!  When the abuse was happening to me, I knew I had to get out and I did. Watching someone I love "choose" it because he feels there's no other choice is heart-wrenching. I really don't know how to navigate this. DH was given an ultimatum of choosing his uPDF or me. He thinks he can reason with his F....I told him there's a better chance for world peace.

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome back to the forum.

What a good update that you have moved on from a troubled marriage into a new life with a good partner. That had to be a long journey and spotting healthy v unhealthy has to have become a valuable toolset.

When we have been backed into a corner and given an ultimate to 'choose' between our spouse - our Family of Choice and first priority, and a parent that has along history of harmful withholding and game playing it really seems like a no-brainer what choice would best serve your DH's current, lovely, valuable life and your bond of trust.

I am on the outside looking in and can look at it unemotionally and the message you and your DH send by the choice that is made around this to his father and family is very important. You are a united front. You are FOR each other and your marriage. You are also FOR respectful, responsible, loving behaviors within family dynamics and are for each person dealing with their own emotions and stuff.

I too, was groomed to feel responsible for everyone and everything. I truly do get what this might 'feel' like to your DH. But, here is something humbling that I learned and had to own... I say this gently, but there is a certain amount of denial and even a bit of unrecognized self importance in believing I am so powerful I can make everything okay for everyone and be responsible for anyone else's emotions. Or that if only I am 'good' enough, go along to get along, prove, hit the ever moving target of a messed up parent's approval...

If I adjust my behaviors to no longer be in line with my core values and priorities in order to get love and approval from someone I am betraying myself at the expense of my beloved partner. That could do potentially bring damage to the connection that matters most to your DH and yourself - the bond of fidelity and trust you share.

You seem to have it very clear how sideways this is:

Choosing abuse is not healthy and sooo hard for me to support. Do I say "go, I understand" knowing that the abuse is going to be horrific?

I would never, ever encourage my DH to go into a situation where I know he is going to be mistreated and don't believe you want to either.

Simple... go, it's hard. Stand your ground and support the choice you both determine is healthy and wise even if it doesn't feel that way... it's hard. But, it is pain that could potentially lead to growth, change, breaking free like I have been able to do and my own DH as well.

Much good strength and wisdom to you as you navigate what is complex and layered. I'm glad you shared.

[Cat of the Canals]

My DH is so torn and sad because he feels if he doesn't go everyones trip will be ruined.

Perhaps if you help him look at it from a slightly different perspective... It is his family that put everyone in an awkward position by disinviting him, then reinviting him, but disinviting you. They have essentially given him an ultimatum, and a lose-lose one at that. If he goes, it sends a message that he has chosen them over you (even if it's only for a day) and that gives credence to whatever nastiness they've been saying about you during their smear campaign. If he doesn't go, then the narrative will be that he's chosen you over them and will likely face further abuse because of it.

He isn't ruining anyone's trip. They've already ruined it for everyone with this nonsense, and he is not in a position to fix it. The best thing he can do is make the healthiest choice for him, you, and your family of choice... which I believe would mean avoiding this reunion.

[Leonor]

Hi msdat,

Oh these disordered families!

This isn't a cookout. It's a loyalty test set up by your FIL to see if your DH will abuse you to placate him. It's a setup. It's abuse. It's just that you're the one being abused.

By abusing you, FIL is abusing your DH. For him, it's the same thing, because you don't really exist for him. You're just an extension of your DH.

And, sadly, going to a cookout without you, because you have been excluded, is your DH dodging the abuse ... And letting it fall directly onto you. Not only is he not protecting you, he's participating.

There is a price to pay for attending the cookout and there's a price for not attending. And either way, you're the one who's going to pay it.

There is no "choice" here. Blackmail is not a choice.

Your DH may have chosen you because you have liberated yourself from an abusive relationship. It's part of what he loves about you: your inner strength, your clarity. Your refusal to be abused.

And this is how you share that clarity and strength with him. You draw the line, right now. "I am your wife, your life partner. We are a team. There is no division, no divide and conquer. I will support you through the discomfort, but I'm not going to be abused by being attacked by my FIL or abandoned by my DH."

You have done the hard stuff.

Petty little old father in laws? Ha! You got this.

[Msdatsun]

Thank you Bloomie, Cat and Leonor-you're all spot on and have opened my eyes to more than what I saw/felt happening.
As of today DH still hasn't decided if he is going.  His decision is not just attending a cookout..it would be the whole 6 day trip that WE were supposed to go on with the 2 day reunion smacked in the middle of it, but still a trip with his family being there. As I write that it sounds even worse than I was thinking. DH is getting defensive when we try to talk about this.  I'm supposed to be "ok" if he decides to go because it's his dad and we are together 98% of the time.  I'm floored and numb and sad and angry.
Leonor, you are so right it is abuse to me. I have been so focused on DH that I dismissed my feelings. I like what you said. It actually gave validity to what I was feeling so thank you.
I thought when I left my toxic marriage I was finished with those people...nope. They're everywhere.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

Ugh, the G in FOG sure can mess us up when we have PD parents! As I read through this thread my thought is that your DH probably feels guilty. This is something that a counsellor could help with.

As we know in this community at Out of the FOG, whether the person goes to the event in question or not (the wedding, reunion, birthday party, etc...), a real issue is how to deal with the fog.

If I were in your shoes right now, one thing I'd remind myself of is that it is not you who ruined the trip plans, nor is it your DH. It is the PD that ruins things...and they won't admit to it. I am sorry you are in this situation. It is really hard. I agree with the others who have made such excellent points already.

Trees

[bloomie]

[

I thought when I left my toxic marriage I was finished with those people...nope. They're everywhere.

It's true disordered behaviors are everywhere, but so are people like us who are doing everything we can to break generational patterns that destroy relationships. What you are offering your DH is hope and a loving way forward.

It may not feel like that to him yet, but feelings are not facts. They are important to honor and understand, but the feeling of dread and panic and the fear, obligation, guilt that may be descending on your H because he has displeased his father are most likely intense and a lot to see beyond, but are not facts to make vital decisions upon.

You are a rock star for letting your DH know exactly how this is impacting YOU and the potential loss of connection his choices could have. You are showing what love actually looks like as you support his choices that build him and your marriage up, over choices that tear down.

I go back to this a lot in my own life and here on the forum, but in relationships there is something at work called The Law of Sowing and Repeaping and it says that when we act in responsible and loving ways people draw closer to us. When we act in irresponsible and unloving ways, healthy, self actualized, reasonably emotionally mature people draw away from us and may eventually leave the relationship. (full idea of this law and 9 others is from the book: Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend)

As an adult child from a trauma/abuse background I have come to understand that in our pain and own internal chaos when we are possibly triggered to a trauma response left over from decades of mistreatment throughout our lives by a family member, we try to circumvent and placate and please to make the pain go away... like go toward an abusive and punitive father and choose to spend a vacation with him and other family members after he has harmed us and our beloved spouse... yet, there are still consequences and even more pain all around. There is truly no avoiding it.

Would your DH be willing to meet with a neutral 3rd party and work through this decision and carefully consider all aspects?

[Msdatsun]

Trees, couldn't agree with you more that the G in fog is eating away at him.  I'm also pretty sure the F and O are contributing to it just as much.  He denies all 3 and I don't know how  or if he will ever admit to that's what is driving him?  Do some victims of parental abuse never realize or admit it happened or is happening?
Bloomin,  you had me choked up sharing your personal accounts of what it feels like. I appreciate you sharing and I hope showing your truth to DH he will realize he is not alone? At least that's my hope.
I'm feeling so many different things that until last week when the poop hit the fan I had never felt in my relationship with DH.  Never questioned the future being anything but something to look forward to.  A neutral 3rd party I agree could be a good idea, but the idea was turned down with "my dad is old, doesn't have much longer to live, it's not going to be forever"   
Unfortunately no one is guaranteed even another day.  With the fog comes denial as well..

[Adria]

On the other hand, you can politely let him go by himself.  I was in the same situation with dh one time.  I let him go, and let him think I was out having a nice time myself.  The whole time he was with his family, he was calling saying he was miserable and couldn't wait to come home.  It was eye opening to him, and it never happened again. 

Another thought, you might (if plausible) also ask your dh if he would read your post about your concerns, and also the answers that the others here have given you.  You got some really good advice from everyone here.  My dh will always read what I ask if we come to an impasse and I put it on the forum.   I explain to him how wonderful and caring the people are here, and that they have lived similar experiences, and that it might be good to see someone else's perspective even if it doesn't jive with where we are right now.  It's always good to keep an open mind, right? It has worked well for us because it's not me harping on him, it's other people's views of the situation, and it seems to be more palatable to him for some reason. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria

[D.]

Hello Msdatsun,

I've been following this conversation and first want to say I am so encouraged that you reached out here and I want to validate that you are not going through this difficulty alone.  I want to add that my in-law sibling has been instrumental in my and my sibling's healing from our parents.  She kindly pointed out realities over the years to me that caused me to question, set more boundaries and analyze everything so much better.  I know that it is sometimes challenging for her as I observe her gradually going no contact w/her in-laws (my elderly parents).  Especially w/regards her spouse (my sibling).  And I can say that her increasing awareness, modeling of boundaries, and conversations have helped all of us tremendously.  She has commented that it is sometimes difficult as my sibling continues to opt for contact w/uPD/En parents.  But I also see him pulling away and prioritizing his spouse.  It has taken time and what I would call "attempts" by her to be present w/them.  It ultimately appears to be landing in NC between my in-law and uPDF.  As for my sibling, he spends short times, maybe monthly, and alone, w/his parents.  I hope and suspect that his marriage will weather the challenge.  I do see them apparently even happier and more united as a couple.

That said my parents have never done something as covert as what you describe - I am sorry you've had to experience it.  No one should ever be treated the way they treat you (and your husband).

I suspect that whatever happens your healthy and mature response will hopefully and ultimately bring you and your H even closer as a couple.  If he goes, he will miss you.  If he does not go you will enjoy time together.

[Msdatsun]

Well the reunion came and went, but without me and my husband.  A great big thank you to everyone that replied...my husband read them all and each one resonated something within him.  He is beginning to understand the fog and with help, he feels he can navigate his way through it.  I've urged him to get on here himself, to vent, to read, to know he is not alone. But for now, he appreciates what I show him that others have written that he can relate to. Baby steps. Again, thank you all

[D.]

That is very encouraging to know.  Thank you for sharing the update.  And I agree!  However you and he choose to participate here is welcomed!

[nanotech]

Well the reunion came and went, but without me and my husband.  A great big thank you to everyone that replied...my husband read them all and each one resonated something within him.  He is beginning to understand the fog and with help, he feels he can navigate his way through it.  I've urged him to get on here himself, to vent, to read, to know he is not alone. But for now, he appreciates what I show him that others have written that he can relate to. Baby steps. Again, thank you all

It's hard at first to understand the fog, let alone try to navigate and eventually leave it. It starts off as a tiny lightbulb in the corner of your mind.
I was years  into my journey out before the  huge floodlights finally kicked in. The conditions, coupled with social norms and expectations, kept me meek and mild for a long long time. I was drawn back into it quite a few times, seeking validation, and instead getting my fingers burned.
Even now, I'm wanting to ring my UNPDDAD because he has an expectation of that happening.  It's  a lifelong  trauma bond, an addiction. Logically,  I can't  believe I  never ever saw what  is now so screamingly obvious. I lament how long I played their game  to search for the love and validation I'd never receive from them. You learn, and you see, that you don't need their love  validation to life your life as an individual. We deserve it, but we don't need it. 

[bloomie]

Good update! Thank you for sharing this with us! How wonderful that you and your DH are taking these important steps forward together.

[Adria]

So happy for you and dh.  A little at a time.