Shuts things down or halts things if they feel a lack of control

[Prototypian]

I've just noticed this over the years.  Whenever my uOCPDw has any situation where she is not in full control such as another person driving, someone navigating for her saying "turn left" or a process where someone simply directs you to "take that path upstairs for seating" she will suddenly decide to stop everything until she had control.  I can't tell if it's a panic attack or deliberate thing.   I can remember going to a stadium where we parked and our parking permit said "blue parking", there were huge signs and people waving flags and long lines of cars obviously headed to parking and one gate said "blue permits" and she eventually had to get out of line drive out and recollect and call up a manual map on her phone and then reset in order to park.   Then a similar thing happened inside when our seats were for a specific section and as we went in and were guided quickly without too many words to that section she got frustrated and we had to leave and come back in.   

I'm not able to tell if this type of behavior is a fear and anxiety thing or a legitimate PD need for control.   

It always seems to happen when everyone around her is just accepting a natural "flow" of events and the individuals in those things are kind of minimized and her concerns are glossed over by traffic or crowd control.   It's similar behavior to not trusting directions from a GPS.   


Curious if anyone else sees this

[notrightinthehead]

From everything you tell us, your wife is clearly not well. Not many people would consider her behaviour as normal.  From what you describe, she would need serious help.  Not many people would give in to her eccentricities and  pretend all is normal. What about you makes you accept and support all that odd behaviour? What makes you not only put up with it but also go along with it?  It seems to irritate you. Yet, you seem to not only tolerate it but do as she does.  What makes you do that?

[Prototypian]

From everything you tell us, your wife is clearly not well. Not many people would consider her behaviour as normal.  From what you describe, she would need serious help.  Not many people would give in to her eccentricities and  pretend all is normal. What about you makes you accept and support all that odd behaviour? What makes you not only put up with it but also go along with it?  It seems to irritate you. Yet, you seem to not only tolerate it but do as she does.  What makes you do that?

Probably for an offline discussion but I think from a mental wellness and certainly the topic of this forum, it's a combination of Fear Obligation and Guilt.   The fear is what she has built in with the explosive behavior and willingness to escalate at any time.   The obligation is the inherent super nice guy that I have always tried to be to everyone in life, business and famiky as well as the obligation to church and deep seated catholic christian faith and in addition the feeling that from a problem perspective,  not hungry, poor, have to contend with cancer or have a dead end career or any situational problems so in a sense 'why should this problem be something I complain about?".  She is also quick and has an elephant memory for things people promise.

From a guilt, she has me nailed with guilt and it's a powerful weapon.   Calling her out on behaviors can always be turned back into a greater good, her parents dying, her emotional distress, the family, the future etc.   It is easy to flip that.

And she is good at all of those things without having to address the problems.

I even went so far as to find a very specific type of counselor in our mega city who specializes in helping people who are in personality disorders and I had to postpone the first meeting  because my spouse became suspicious of "why I was going somewhere.." and the counselor dropped me and then stated it was a boundary and not to contact her office ever again.  I felt really bad because I had heard good things about her program in taking steps to get out of a toxic relationship.   

So I have spent the last three years knowing how bad things are but not ever being sure what to do then there are times when my spouse seems actually nice and engaged and those wipe the window clear (I have nearly infinite forgiveness for everyone) but then things return.   

What I keep looking for and it's irrational and a target for cognitive behavior therapy is a way to get out of the relationship without any disruption to her life or mine or the kids at all.   Just quietly disappear, keep supporting them but no longer be under control.

I've gone so far as to buy a building and the associated upstairs apartment in another state and city for remote work so I can live somewhere else and work there.    I renovated a cottage I originally bought for her mom to move into and intended to move into it and work from it but she took it over to help a charity she is on the board for that provides low income housing options for women and children in our town.   

I have a set of very stressful career jobs leading data science and applied math at a big company and running a consulting business in that area and those things take up my time about 65-70 hours most weeks.   She watches literally everything I do from reconciling toll tag receipts the day I drive to the office and arguing with me (I blindly follow Waze) if it looks like I tooj a strange detour.   Every cent and purchase must be accounted for in nauseous detail down to an order for the specific sharpie pens I prefer to use which are more expensive in her eyes than the 10 for a dollar ball point pens.   She absolutely doesn't like or trust counselors and my use of them is scrutinized and severely complained about so I try to hide the counseling wherever possible. 

These are all excuses it's true but one of the reasons I'm at this website forum is to learn and understand more and hopefully build a plan to get away from her but I also don't want to hurt anyone.

[Poison Ivy]

"I also don't want to hurt anyone." I suggest looking at this from a "lesser of two evils" perspective. Right now, you and your children are being hurt very much by your wife's behavior. Why is your and your children's hurt less significant than your wife's?

[escapingman]

 

I recognise so much in what you are wtiting jsinjin, my wife is doing crazy things all the time and I have let her get away with it. But not anymore and now she is even crazier. All I need to do is put me and the kids before her but it's difficult when she is a master of playing the victim and pouring guilt on us.

[Kat54]

I empathize so much. Feeling stuck for fear of hurting people. I was more concerned for my kids, as Eventually from so much emotional and verbal abuse I stopped caring if I was hurting my ex because he certainly did not care about my well being. I was borderline suicidal but he was the victim in all the stuff that went down and I'm not sure how much my kids could see I was hurting.

My hugest regret is not leaving him sooner and taking my children because my kids are both now the product of a dysfunctional home. So Jsinjin when you say you don't want to hurt anyone, I totally understand that, but what I see now with my kids. Anxiety, very low self esteem mostly with my 23 year old daughter. I'm so worried for her and what relationships she will have down the road, she has such poor examples. Be yelled at, belittled, controlled, made fun of, crazy circular conversations that placed blame on her, me, my son, never him. It's absolutely from my crazy, anxiety ridden, verbally abusive ex. My ex is not completely to blame; my inaction and worrying about upsetting our family unit. I was afraid of him for a long time, he was an intimidating bully, until several verbal and physical incidents with him and my son made the lightbulb go off, I finally had enough.

You too I hope will eventually have the lightbulb moment and have enough. Always praying you find your inner strength. No matter what you do it will upset things but your kids may thank you one day. Mine have finally adjusted to our new family unit. I think over all we are much better.

[1footouttadefog]

One thing I ha e seem suggested here many times over the years is to ask regarding fear "what if"

Like what if she blows up.  What if she makes a scene?

Really examine what the worst outcome would be. Perhaps they are not really enough to accept the abuse over.

Perhaps if she made a scene at the ball game you could call an Uber and go home.

If she made a scene what would the cost really be.

Perhaps letting this happen might actually remove the tools effectiveness.