what am I afraid of?

[losingmyself]

Last night I couldn't sleep. So of course, I started ruminating on past crappy things that H did and said. There are so many situations that a person would ask "Why didn't you just leave/say this/kick him out/ not see him again?" I am constantly trying to answer that question. One word kept popping in my brain and I realize it does a lot.
Fear.
I am always afraid. Always have been. I can't tell you what I'm afraid of, though.
It's not anything rational, the fear has always been there, even in the beginning. And I had a normal middle class, not abusive childhood. It was the 70''s, so things were different, but it was fine.
I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I would like to find out.
I can't stand up for myself because I am gripped with fear, and daily, I just go with the flow while inside, I'm dying.
How can I figure it out?

[losingmyself]

So, I just needed to add that if I were asked to name my feelings in single words, they'd be:
Fear
Shame
Guilt
Grief
I feel one, or a combination of those things daily.
OK, I'm done

[Hepatica]

Hi losingmyself,

I am really scared a lot of the time as well. I cannot pinpoint what caused it. All I know is that there was a lot of yelling in my 1970's childhood home, some hitting but as you say, pretty standard on the street I grew up in.

I am learning quite a bit about the nervous system and how it is wired from birth. If we are born into an unstable household where the parents don't attend to our needs well as an infant, or there is conflict and yelling, or even if a parent is very depressed and does not console us when we are in our first six years of life, we will not have learned how to regulate our own nervous systems. For me, this was a light bulb realization. My mother was really anxious as a parent. She couldn't even regulate her own emotions, so she had no idea how to help me learn to regulate mine. This can be generational and that anxiety can be passed off onto us.

I have trauma because of my mother's dysregulation and I am learning to manage it with mindfulness meditation and a focus on self-compassion. I read a lot and watch a lot of youtube vids on regulation of the nervous system, but all of this is new to me as well.

[blacksheep7]

So, I just needed to add that if I were asked to name my feelings in single words, they'd be:
Fear
Shame
Guilt
Grief
I feel one, or a combination of those things daily.
OK, I'm done

This is your answer, a combination or those feelings.  Something or someone must have made you feel this way, that is to explore and change those false/negative & inner critic.  I'm still working on it, speaking my mind, that is.  If there is no dicussion of our differences and/or opinions, I tend to bottle it up until after xxx times, then I get angry and it comes out. Not the way to go.  It goes back to my childhood and suppressing my feelings.  It takes much practice, mindfullness to rewire our brain and the nervous system which can't tell time (past or present).  Our feelings are not always facts.

[losingmyself]

I love that you make me think of things that I hadn't before.
Hepatica, there was no physical violence in my household, but some sexual abuse from an uncle that was never spoken of, and I think that I wasn't the only one, as I am the youngest of 8 girls.
However, my F was kind of a bully, and my M was very codependent. I may be mirroring their relationship but I married a much much worse covert narc/bpd, I don't know. But I see my M's 'other-pleasing' qualities in myself.
There just wasn't a lot of attention, and I feel bad even saying that because they did the best they could. There was 10 kids.  And I love and miss them very much.
blacksheep7, you made me think of my religion for some reason. I went to Catholic school most of my life and was taught by nuns. The way they got you to behave was by teaching you to be ashamed of your mistakes. You hurt Jesus. I remember one of them always saying "You know, when you sin, you stab Jesus in the heart" Well, what the heck kind of a thing is that to say to a kid??
So that gives me something to think about.
I never blow up. I keep my feelings to myself, always..
and you're right, feelings are not always facts.
Thanks

[losingmyself]

Hu...
It just occurred to me that I didn't say anything about my uncle to my parents because I didn't want to burden them with it. After all, it was only me, so I kept it inside.
I have never told anyone in my family about my current situation because I don't want to burden them. After all, it's only me....
That is literally the voice in my head. "It's fine. It's just me."
I was a child and had that mentality. Worry about other people's feelings above my own. As long as everyone else is happy...
Well, how do I fix that??

[Hepatica]

Having experienced a form of abuse that is sexual by an uncle would have been very scary. I"m so sorry. And then holding that in for many years and staying quiet, as so many of us do, meant you didn't get the attention you needed. You've been through a lot losingmyself. Don't discount it. What you've been through is enough to create long-term anxiety and fear. As well, if your father exhibited bullying behaviour and you observed your mother manage that by  appeasing him, that would also create fear in your body. You were observing a nerve-wracking relationship. There doesn't need to be yelling or hitting for the body as a system to react and feel fear inside.

There are so many ways to work with what's happened to you, but seeing a therapist who is trained in working with trauma would be important for helping you understand how these past issues affected you long-term. Sexual abuse and the dynamics between your parents, would be hard and traumatic on you as you grew up. You felt like you couldn't tell anyone what happened with your uncle. You would have felt so alone and afraid. You're safe now, but your body is still remembering. I'm so sorry that happened.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, losingmyself.  That constant fear, panic and dread is a heavy burden, indeed.  I've experienced a sort of re-triggering with covid and other "fun" life events since 2020.  Some days I wake up in fight or flight and can't really detect a solid reason such as a bad dream or solid memory.  However, reading what you said about "it's only me," really struck a chord.  Yes, we were taught that we were capable enough of managing things on our own, yet we really did not matter either.  What a horrible place for a child to be!  I have literally introduced myself to people who know me because I think, "They won't remember me."  To feel invisible is excruciating and to not have anyone else to count on is devastating, especially as a child.  I was the same.  Just keep quiet, don't have any needs, and handle your Nmom's unhealed emotional load while she abuses you .... well, that's very traumatic, as was your situation!  We've had to endure quite a bit, but we downplay it because it was just what we did, how we survived.  Maybe your own dear inner child is saying, "It is time for you!"  When you're not used to self-care or self-compassion, that feels scary, too.  So much here, but the main thing I hope you know is that you are worth care and compassion and that the fear abates. 

[Boat Babe]

Dear Losingmyself, this is so hard. You say in your first post that you had "a middle-class, not abusive childhood" but then go on to describe a very challenging childhood (your dad a bit of a bully, your mum codependent, lots of siblings and then there's the uncle)

I would venture to say that the very strong and distressing feelings you describe and which existed before your abusive marriage are linked to events, trauma in your childhood. This also set you up for your ex by the way. The very questions you are asking yourself about why you put up with his behaviour for as long as you did will be answered from the past.  And in having this compassionate inquiry with yourself, these awful feelings will start to loosen, shift and eventually lift away. 

Sending hugs

[JustKeepTrying]

    I echo all of the above especially Boat Babe.

For most of my 55 years, I thought I had a normal childhood.  I didn't. My father was gone most of the time.  My mother raised five children in the Catholic faith - like yourself - with three miscarriages right after the year I was born.  She was depressed and suicidal.  I never really gave it a great deal of thought until I was diagnosed with PTSD and my therapist kept urging me to talk about childhood.  And it all came out.  My brother beating me up.  My NPD sister.  and on and on.  There are times I just don't want to think about the past because I feel guilty about it - guilty about feeling awful about it.  The reality is my parents did the best they could with what they knew.

You got a lot of stuff to address and that fear and all that awful swirly emotion are there.  Please consider finding a counselor who is skilled in PTSD.  Consider EMDR.  It was a life-changer for me (took me, several therapists, to find someone though).

But most of all, when that fear comes try to pause and look at it.  Just let it flow through you in and out like a breath and then try to watch it flow with detachment.  Allow to move through and don't fight it.  I have worked hard to do this and with time, it has gotten easier so now I don't always follow the emotion that comes up.  It's not perfect and there are times it doesn't work.  But after three years of work, it has gotten better.

[tragedy or hope]

One thing that really helped me from a lot of the feeling described was in a book by John bradshaw about family systems.

It sounnds like a crazy exercise, but it worked well for me...

I got a picture of me as a little girl, I actually framed it and took it with me from room to room when I was home alone and began to look at her (me), really look at her, especially what I saw in her eyes and tell her how much I loved her, how NO ONE would ever be allowed to hurt her like that again. I would take care of her, she did not need to fear anymore etc.. with all the other bad things I felt along the way.

Getting through the first time was mostly tearful, as reliving the hurt was hard, but my strength came because now I was an adult and angry for the mistreatment I had received as a helpless child. It was very empowering.

I did this several times and it did not take long for me to begin to understand my own worth and know I CAN take care of myself and as my own parent, I would be sure to comfort that little girl first and foremost.

I should do this again as new issues and problems in life tend to trigger stuff but for the most part, it was a wonderful experience. I alone will be sure I take care of me. If I wait on others, hell will freeze over.

I am now actually more independent than necessary. I try to solve my own problems and do so well at taking care of me, I sometimes can isolate.

Thanks for being so candid about your feelings. Even in that you have strength.

[losingmyself]

you all are the best.
Thank you for your sage words of advice and I will read and re-read these posts over and over.
I feel like it's just the beginning.

[1footouttadefog]

Fear, flight or fight  hemistey can become the default brain chemistry if one has experienced certain types of trauma over an extended time.

There is a type of ptsd called c-ptsd that is about long term stresses and trauma and abuses.

There is a sister site to this one called out of the storm that is for those dealing with cptsd.  There might be some Interesting resources there.

Are you able to create some space for your self, a ssnse of safety.  Perhaps setting up an extra room as a study where you can take naps, read or enjoy a movie, or maybe a nook on a back porch where you can relax sip some tea or coffee etc.   Maybe even make your own bedroom or craft room where you can retire and have some peace away from od behavior and comments until you get enough clarity and strength to decide what or how things can change for the better.

[losingmyself]

1foot, yes, I have places that I can go and be alone. I have a trailer that we have converted into a craft/wood shop for me, and a place in my basement that I can work.
Specifically, though, I'm talking first about the things that he did and said before I came Out of the FOG, questioning my responses and mindset, and feeling bad for not protecting my kids back then.  Now, it's the little, unexpected comments, put-downs, complaints, accusations, etc that I have to deal with.
I have learned how to not start the fire that gets him going. But I am so unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely. And I want to understand the big WHY I behaved the way I did.
I will check more into cpstd, I have heard of it and I understand that it can be from long-term stress.

[losingmyself]

1foot, I went to Out of the Storm. I think it will help me get new perspectives on things.
Thank you

[1footouttadefog]

At the point I cam Out of the FOG, it was also the point I quit beilieving in the false personna I was tricked into marrying.

I quit believing that I could change, fix, improve things to make that person come back.

Then I found myself dealing with grief.  Grieving that I had fallen for this and given so much if myself, and grief for the person who would never actually be there to live and be connected with me. Grief that decades were lost and never valued.

[tragedy or hope]

Ditto that!
Grief over years and years of "not seeing" what I saw has consequences to me too. The grief is enormous as I consider the long lonely years I just did not understand that nothing else was coming from him. I remember a time he threw a remote control at me for telling him I needed more. As he threw it he said, " I have nothing else to give you, this is all there is. Go make yourself happy." And foolishly I ignored it and in my mind retained the thought he could give me more if he wanted to... nope.
35 years later, things are still the same. Am. I a better person? More aware, less manipulated and one who has given up on the idea of a partner who truly loves me. I only found out about NPD in the last couple of years. Imagine MY grief. It comes and goes as does the thought about separating myself from him. Age, finances, family and location have been big deterrents. I am working on it but can certainly identify with losingmyself. The grief is real, BUT and that is a big but, you CAN learn more and more how to move away from the dream. Time, it is all a question of time. Make yourself happy, he will not, and may try to steal it from you. Guard your inner being, give her all you can.

I just take him for what he is now. I try to leave him alone about anything. regarding a true relationship. I am learning not to create my own pain. I wish you well.